


The Edge of Reason

by Lakritzwolf



Series: Bond of Blood [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 72,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili and Kili as King and Prince under the Mountain are to marry a pair of sisters from another kingdom. Fili falls instantly in love whereas Kili has no such luck.<br/>Love, Hate and a dark and poisonous secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _This is the third part of my Bond of Blood series about the Durin brothers. The Edge of Reason is a true sequel to Tears of Blood, and I strongly recommend you read that first. A lot of things will make little to no sense otherwise._   
>  _My beautiful Beta Louise came up with the idea for this story which has a few resemblances to the Beauty and the Beast and King Thrushbeard._
> 
>  
> 
> Regarding the Archive Warning Rape/Non-Con, this is going to happen (only) once and in a later chapter, but I will add another warning in the notes.

The sun was hanging low in the sky, casting shadows that grew longer with each passing minute. Side by side the Durin brothers stood on the rampart, looking out over the land below them, the lake in the distance, and the unknown outlands beyond it. The wind stirred the fur collar of the king’s heavy mantle and toyed with a few strands of his golden hair. 

Fili looked at his brother who looked into the distance with a deep frown on his face. He stood to Fili’s right, and thus he could only see the left side of Kili’s face. The wrinkled, pale skin and white beard and hair made him look ancient, but Fili knew that on the other side of the face, the young dwarf was still there. 

“Kili?”  
“What is it?” His brother kept on staring into the distance.  
“You look sad.”  
Kili shrugged. “It’s nothing.”  
“It is something if it makes you look like that. You look like you carry a second cloak, one of gloom.”

Silence was the only answer Fili got. 

“Brother.” He put a hand on Kili’s arm. “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”  
“Because there’s no need to weigh you down with...”  
“No. No, you won’t start again with that, we’ve been through this. We’re still brothers, even if I’m King now and you’re my...”  
“Dragonslayer,” Kili interrupted him, his voice dark. Then he turned around to face his brother, the face of an ancient, scarred warrior and of a young, handsome dwarf welded into one. “Dragonslayer. That’s all I will ever be for the rest of my miserable life!”  
“No!” Fili took him by the shoulders. “You’re still my brother!” And in a lower voice he added: “For what that’s still worth to you.”

“It’s worth more than you think.” Kili finally met his brother’s eyes with his, his look even more intense in his one remaining eye. “Because you’re the only one who still treats me like... like before.”  
“Like before you were scarred by killing Smaug.” Fili sighed. “Kili I don’t...”  
“Don’t you see it, Fee?” Kili exhaled in a frustrated huff, then lowered his eye, turned around and stared into the distance again. “I’m lonely, Fee. Everyone treats me either like a deity or a... a monster.”  
“No one treats you like a monster!” Fili curled his hands into fists.  
“Not when you’re around.”  
“What?”

Kili shook his head and a breeze stirred his hair. “I was just Kili, you know. Just a dwarf waiting to grow a decent beard. Fighter, archer, nephew, little brother. Now no one even uses my name anymore but you, mother and uncle Thorin. Now I’m the Dragonslayer, and if that word doesn’t sound like a prayer it sounds like a spell against evil, as if... as if by killing the dragon I’ve become the dragon!”

Fili sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a second. “Kili, I’m sorry...”  
“No. Don’t be sorry. I’m not sorry, because if I hadn’t killed Smaug you’d be dead now, and everyone else of the Company, and we wouldn’t be standing here talking to each other. No, I’m not sorry. I’m just... I guess I’m bitter. Yes, that’s the word. Bitter.”  
Fili didn’t know what to say, so he just stood a little closer to his brother. Kili didn’t look at him, but Fili felt he was appreciating the gesture.

“I lost all my friends,” Kili whispered after a moment. “You, you can take off that crown and that mantle and go for an ale, and after a few minutes, you’re just Fili again and you can laugh and drink with them. I can’t take this off. And they keep staring at me and keep their voices low. They smile at me but... but... I make them uncomfortable. They don’t want to say it, but they don’t need to.”  
“Maybe... maybe they just need to get used to it,” Fili ventured.  
Kili spun around again, his eye glowing with fury and brimming with tears. “It’s been three years! It’s been three years, Fili! Three years I’ve been eating and drinking alone but for your company, and for three years I’ve been sleeping alone, too!”

Fili pressed his lips together. And in the light of the conversation they had had with Thorin earlier that day, he could suddenly understand his brother’s mood a lot better.

“But surely there has to be...”  
“This!” Kili lifted his left arm that he usually kept under his heavy mantle. He held the stump into Fili’s face, his face distorted into a grimace of pain. The scarred skin, the empty white orb of his left eye and the bone-white hair and beard on the left side of his head turned his expression into a nightmare. “This is all they see!” He dropped the arm again. “And don’t you dare tell me it isn’t that bad! I still have one good eye, and I still know what a mirror is!”

Fili was at a loss as what to say or to do. And he realised that he had not allowed himself to notice the behaviour of their friends, had kept on telling himself they would get over it, and he had refused to realise that it wouldn’t happen. He had let his brother down, left Kili alone in the misery he only was in because he had saved his life. He wouldn’t be here if Kili hadn’t been ready to give his life to save his brother. And while Kili hadn’t given his life, he had paid very dearly nonetheless. 

“Kili, I’m sorry,” he said at last.  
“I told you there’s no need...”  
“No,” Fili interrupted him. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry for not having seen what was going on and how miserable it made you. I should have, I know you well enough. I guess I didn’t want to see it. That’s why I’m sorry.” He sighed. “Terribly sorry, little brother.”

Kili turned around again. Their eyes met, and a small, lopsided smile appeared on Kili’s face. “Seems I still need to knock you out of the clouds sometimes.”  
Fili chuckled under his breath. “Seems like.”  
Kili’s smile widened, and Fili could see the little brother he had been before Smaug. He was still there, and Fili realised something else at that moment. Again, something he should have realised long ago.

“Kili.”  
“What now?” Kili’s smile vanished as he noticed Fili’s change of mood.  
“I just saw a glimpse of my little brother under all those scars,” Fili said, completely aware he was pushing it.  
Kili’s eyes narrowed into a glare. “You what?”  
“I saw that you’re still there. My baby brother. You’ve been hiding, Kee. You still think that you’re too ugly to be in anyone’s company, and that’s why you hide! You’re still hiding your arm under your cloak, and because you can’t hide the scars on your face, you’re hiding behind them!”

It seemed as if Fili had found the right lever to pull, because Kili exploded.

“You arrogant piece of royal shit!” He yelled. “What do you know of being ugly? What do you know about being scarred? You, with your face like a blessing from Mahal!”  
Fili bore the outburst with an unmoving face.  
“You, with the females hovering around you like moths around a candle! If we were dogs they’d be rolling around on the ground before you!”  
“Ah!” Fili grinned without mirth. “So you’re jealous? Did it ever cross your mind they’re doing this because I’m the King rather than because of the way I look?  
“They wouldn’t flock around you the way they do if you weren’t as good looking! Yes, Mahal damn me, I’m jealous! Because ever since this happened no woman has ever looked at me the way they look at you! And not like they used to look at me, either!”

Fili kept his voice calm and low “And have you ever noticed the way you look at them?”  
It brought Kili short because he had expected him to shout back.“I... what? What do you mean?”  
“Kee, listen.” Fili placed both hands on his brother’s shoulders. “You’re so convinced you are repulsive you’re radiating it like heat from a hearthstone. You have this dark look on your face, you’re distant and chilly. You basically let them know to keep their distance.”

Kili was gritting his teeth so hard Fili’s jaw hurt by simply watching him. 

“Kee.” Fili lowered his voice even more and stepped a little closer. “I didn’t realise it until moments ago when you smiled at me. That’s when it hit me. I haven’t seen you smile ever since... to be honest, I don’t think I can remember seeing you smile after Bard had given you that crossbow.”

Now Kili was grounding his teeth together. 

“That’s what I meant. You’re hiding, and... well I guess you’re hiding yourself in the Dragonslayer. Because the Dragonslayer is that fearsome warrior with those terrible scars from killing Smaug. He’s the one who can show those scars, but Kili, the Kili we all know and miss, he can’t bear the thought of his scars and doesn’t want to carry them. I understand. I understand you don’t want to look like this. But if you go on and despise yourself, how can you expect anyone else to like you?”

Kili’s jaw went slack, and after a moment, a single tear trickled down his cheek. Fili closed the distance between them and pulled his brother into an embrace.  
“Don’t be sorry, Kee. I can see how hard this is for you. And don’t be scared that anyone would reject you. We all miss seeing you laugh and hearing your dirty jokes. We’re proud of you. Be proud of yourself, too.”

When Kili leaned back he took a few deep breaths and wiped the back of his hand across his eye. “I’m an idiot.”  
“Maybe. Well, yes you are, but so am I. I should’ve seen this sooner. And tonight, you’ll come with me to Bofur’s tavern, and you will take that armour off and put on a shirt and tunic like everyone else.”

Fili reached out and took his brother’s hand in his and before Kili could react, closed his other hand around the stump of his forearm. Kili reflexively tried to pull back and hide the arm under the cloak again, but Fili increased the strength of his grip until Kili relented. 

“Trust me,” Fili said, meeting his brother’s gaze. He could see Kili calm down, and felt the left arm relax in his grip. “Tonight, Fili and Kili are having an ale and smoke a few pipes. Aye?”  
Kili took a deep breath. “Aye.”

Fili grinned and gave his brother a friendly head-butt.

**x-x-x**

That night Fili headed for his brother’s quarters to pick him up, and heard Kili’s voice bade him enter when he knocked. Fili himself was clad in a simple brown tunic of embossed leather; no crown, no mantle, no heavy, iron-capped boots. 

He found his brother, as promised, wearing a dark blue shirt and a belted tunic, but he looked very unhappy and was struggling with his left sleeve. Fili was about to offer his help but wasn’t sure if his brother wouldn’t take that amiss when Kili made the decision for him.

“Fee, can you give me...” He pressed his lips together and shrugged. “Can you give me a hand? I can’t get this sleeve rolled up with one hand, and I don’t want it flapping around.”  
“Sure.” 

Fili stepped closer and when Kili stretched out his left arm, he rolled the sleeve up; but a little higher than Kili liked, to go by his look. The end of the stump peeked out of the sleeve, but although Kili frowned, he said nothing and left the sleeve in place.

“Bifur has offered me to make a wooden hand for me with straps and clasps and everything to fasten it in place.”  
“And?”  
Kili shrugged, still staring at his left arm. “I didn’t want it. I don’t even know why... but... the thought of having a hand there that’s not mine... I’d rather have none.”

Fili rested a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I think I understand. Now let me get a hair clasp for you.”  
“No! No clasp, I can do fine...”  
Fili cocked his head. “And have your hair hanging in the tankard? I told you you’re supposed to stop hiding.”  
Kili opened his mouth in protest, but shut it again when Fili narrowed his eyes. With an acquiescent sigh he turned around and let his brother fasten the parts of his hair that hung into his face into a clasp.  
“There. Better?”  
“No. But...” Kili sighed. “You’re right.”

Fili grinned and elbowed his brother in the ribs, earning a smile for his efforts. “You’re ready?”  
“No. But that won’t change, so let’s go.”

As they entered Bofur’s tavern, the _“Dragon and Burglar”_ , Bofur waved at them from behind the bar. A few heads turned, and conversations ground to a halt. 

“Ah, there you are! Haven’t seen you here in a while Fili! And who’s that with you? The Dragonslayer?”  
Feeling so many eyes on him, Kili’s shoulders dropped. “Can’t you just call me like you used to?”

Bofur’s hands that were busily polishing tankards came to a sudden halt. “Yes... but... my... Of course I can! But if ye pardon me, what with you running about in that terrible dragon skin armour all the bloody time I thought you’d rather be the Dragonslayer!”  
“Well, I...”  
“Had enough of being treated like a hero and worshipped like a god? “  
“Ah... yes...”  
“By Durin’s hairy balls, am I glad ye’ve come to yer senses, lad!” Bofur laughed heartily, seemingly unaware of the struggle going on in Kili’s mind. “We all thought we’d never get our Kili back!”

If Bofur noticed that Kili was fighting his tears, he didn’t let it on. Fili noticed, however, and patted his brother’s back in encouragement. 

“Here, that makes one on the house!” Bofur drew them two tankards of dark, foamy ale and propped them onto the counter. “There ye are! And that goes for everyone else, too!”

With their ears rattling from cheers and laughter, the Durin brothers took their tankards and settled down at the table where a few of the Company had already settled. They were greeted with more cheers and back-slapping.

“Good to see you!” Nori raised his tankard in salute.  
“Let me add my greeting to my brother’s.” Dori toasted him with a glass of cider.

Kili looked nervously around and buried his nose in his tankard.

The door opened again and Bofur yelled: “I swear that dwarf can smell free ale five miles away! Dwalin, see who’s here!”  
Dwalin walked to the table and slapped Kili’s back so hard he knocked him over. Accompanied by the guffaws of the other dwarrow, Kili straightened up again and wiped the foam from his nose.

Bofur came over now with an armful of tankards. “Who wants an ale?”  
With shouts and hearty laughter, they dealt the tankards out at the table and Bofur sat down with his own to join them

The tankards met above the middle of the table, clattering and spilling foam, followed by a voracious, effervescent silence.

Oin slammed his tankard onto the table and belched with all his heart. “Here now laddie!” he hollered. “Think we’d be scared of you?”  
All the dwarrow, Fili included, broke out into roaring laughter.  
Kili managed a feeble grin. In truth, he felt so relieved he almost wept.  
“Come on, laddie. Come on, scare us!”

“Ah...” Kili looked around. “Boo.”  
Howls of laughter, and Kili had to grin.  
“Do it again! Again!” Oin’s eyes were glinting mischievously.

Feeling pangs of regret mingling with relief and Kili gulped down a mouthful of ale to cover his embarrassment and unease. Strangely enough, the mood of the others was lightening his own, and when he set the tankard down, he felt a grin spread on his face. He shook his head and exchanged a look with his brother. Had he really been hiding all that time? He had missed being silly.

After squaring his shoulders, Kili decided that there was only one way. Forward. He widened his eyes.“Boo!”  
Oin squealed like a girl. The laughter that followed was ear-battering.

Kili stared into his tankard, hardly able to control his feelings.

“Here, laddie, what’s wrong? I was only joking!”  
Kili looked up into Oin’s concerned face. “I know. I know, it’s just...” He took adeep breath and shrugged. “I missed this... being... being just Kili.” He let his head drop forward so the others couldn’t see his tears. He felt Fili pat his back again.

“Look at that.” Dwalin took a sip of ale. “And here we thought you’d rather be a hero than our Kili.”  
Kili helplessly shook his head and wiped his eye.  
“Come on, Bofur, sing us a song! At least then the lad has a reason to cry!”

Bofur laughed and cuffed Dwalin on the head before hopping onto the table. Then he produced his whistle from a pocket of his tunic.

Fili draped an arm around his brother’s shoulders and flashed Kili an encouraging grin. Kili shook his head and felt a grin on his own face in response. 

Bofur played a few notes and inhaled deeply. Then he lifted his voice and let the other’s slam their tankards for rhythmic accompaniment.

“Theeeeere’s an inn, there’s an inn, there’s a merry old inn...”

Fili had never been as happy as he was now, seeing his brother double over with laughter and making bawdy jokes. He had missed him. And he knew Kili had missed all this, too.

The songs and laughter carried on late in the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Khuzdul expressions are translated in a mouseover text.

In the weeks that followed, Fili and Kili were able to re-establish the bond between them that somehow had weakened, after Fili and Kili had become the King and the Dragonslayer.

Kili had found back his laughter, and almost every night, they shed their burdensome garments to be with their friends; to drink ale, smoke pipe weed and pretend they were still just normal dwarrow. 

But as the preparations for Durin’s Day were fully underway and only three days were left until the day of feasting, they were reminded of the conversation they had had with Thorin; the conversation that had made Kili so gloomy that Fili had finally been able to approach him and get him out of his shell.

Thorin had talked at length with them about marriage and heirs, and they had finally agreed that Thorin would ask Daín Ironfoot if there was a Diviner living in the Iron Hills and if so, if he would be willing to ask the veins of the earth about the best possible match for the two princes. Daín had sent word that he had enquired about Erebor’s request. Now, three days before Durin’s Day, the Diviner had arrived accompanied by a much younger one who obviously was his apprentice. 

Fili, his brother and Thorin himself stood ready to bid the holy man welcome who had entered the gates with slow, sure steps. He and his apprentice wore long robes of coarse fabric in dark brown; the only startling fact about their appearance was their hairstyle. Their heads were shaved but for a stripe of hair in the middle which was very long and braided into countless tiny braids ending in tiny copper beads. Their beards were likewise braided, dozens upon dozens of braids; each of these, too, ended in a copper bead. 

The Diviner bowed deeply. “ _Thanu men_. ”  
Fili inclined his head. “Baraldur. _Gazardul menu ked gamelu pethem._ ”

At that, the old dwarf chuckled, sounding entirely non-holy. “Well, thank you, but I don’t care much for these ritual greetings. They are so... preposterous.”  
He then proceeded to greet Kili and Thorin, then rested his eyes on Kili again. 

“So you are the one they call the Dragonslayer.” He looked Kili up and down. “Tell me, how exactly did you kill him?”  
“I drove a long spear into his eye.” Kili met the old dwarf’s gaze. His eyes were friendly but very intense.  
“Which eye, do you remember?”  
“The left one,” Kili replied with a frown.   
“Ah.” Baraldur nodded and let his eyes roam over Kili’s features. “And you were marked by his blood.”  
Kili lifted his left arm, exposing the stump where his hand should have been. “By his blood, and by his fire.”

The Diviner nodded, his face serious and thoughtful. “I guess you have been told countless times that your scars honour you and that you can be glad to be alive at all.”  
“Indeed.”   
Baraldur nodded. “Do you believe them?”  
Kili gave him a puzzled frown. “Believe these words? I do. Why?”  
A twinkle appeared in the old dwarf’s eye. “Because those who say them have no idea what they talk about. Am I right?”  
Kili felt the corners of his mouth twitch. “You are right, Wise One.”  
“So what would you rather have them say?”  
This time, Kili was so puzzled by the question that he could only shrug.   
The old dwarf narrowed his eyes. “Well, if you ever find out, commit these words to your memory. You might need them one day.”

Kili exchanged a befuddled look with his brother who could only shake his head.

“This, now, is my apprentice Jorundur.” The Diviner nodded at the young dwarf who was carrying a large chest. “He is nearing the end of his learning, and has declared himself willing to return to Erebor when his time has come.”  
“It will be an honour.” Fili inclined his head, first towards the Diviner himself, then at his apprentice. “You will be welcome, Jorundur.”  
The apprentice silently nodded. 

“Now then.”Baraldur nodded and looked around. “Let us head to the Divination Chamber. We have a lot to prepare.”

The five of them, with Thorin in the lead, left the main halls after descending several flights of stairs and ventured into corridors seldom used where they needed the oil lamps they had brought. At one point they had reached a hallway where no one had tread since Smaug, and their footprints disturbed the dust of many decades.

At one crossroad of halls, Thorin hesitated. “I don’t remember this,” he muttered. He looked left and right and straight onward. With a shrug, he continued, and after another long walk down the dark corridor only lit by lamplight that cast dancing shadows onto the walls they reached a small cavern. 

“Your instincts have not let you down,” Baraldur remarked. “We will begin at once.”

The apprentice set the chest down and opened it. Meanwhile Thorin, Kili and Fili went through the cavern and placed torches in wall rings and lit them at the flame of the lamps they carried. 

When the torches were lit, sparsely illuminating the cave with their flickering, dancing light, the three of them gathered at the entrance and waited, watching the goings-on in the cave.

The apprentice had produced a large mat from the chest that he now unrolled on the smooth stone floor. A lot of lines and runes were on that mat, the lines embossed and then painted black. After the mat was smoothed out, the pattern became clearer.

Four lines crossing at one point in the middle. Each of these lines had a name: Top to bottom the Vein of Mithril, left to right the Vein of Copper. Diagonal from the upper left to the lower right the Vein of Silver, and the upper right to lower left the Vein of Iron. These lines were connected with, in all; sixteen more lines in two rings, giving the whole pattern the appearance of a spider’s web.

“I’ve never seen it myself,” Thorin muttered. “I only heard about it, back before Smaug came. There was no Diviner amongst our survivors.”  
Baraldur looked up from the large bronze bowl in his hands. “They would have been too deep in the mountain to make it out alive.”  
“I guess so.” Thorin inclined his head before continuing to watch.

Baraldur filled the bowl with very finely grained sand. In the meantime, Jorundur had placed several candles about the caves to increase the level of light. 

All sorts of things then came forth from the chest: goblets and bowls in various sizes, corked jars and bottles at whose contents the Durins could only guess. Jorundur arranged all this and more tools and items that were hard to identify in what seemed to be a pattern to him but that made no sense whatsoever to the three onlookers.

Finally he opened one of the jars, poured a few grains of its contents into a small bowl and, with a small stick of wood that he lit at one of the torches, lit these grains that began to smoke. The smoke filled the air and carried with it a heavy, earthy scent. 

Baraldur came with another bowl, this one made of wood. Inside, the three waiting dwarrow could vaguely see the glimmer of what might have been polished gemstones.

“Who will begin?” The Diviner asked. “The King?”  
“Might as well,” Fili replied and followed Baraldur to the edge of the large mat. This close, he could see that it was not hide but tightly woven fibres. Whether it was a plant of some sort of hair, he could not tell. 

Baraldur held out the bowl to him. “Give me your right hand.”  
Fili held out his hand and the Diviner took a small, octagonal disc of gold, pricked Fili’s forefinger with a sharp needle and let three drops of blood fall onto the disc which he then placed in the centre of the web. He returned to Fili and picked up the bowl. “Now hold out your hands.”  
Fili did so, and the Diviner poured the content of the bowl into his cupped hands: Twelve gemstones, each about twice the size of a fingernail, and each of a different kind.

“The process of the Divination of Earth and Blood is as easily explained as it is difficult to read.” Baraldur explained. “Just close your eyes and throw the stones in your hand onto the diagram.”  
Again, Fili did as he was told. The gemstones dispersed across the mat.

“The position of each stone, in regard to the veins and their connections, tells us what we need to know.”

Fili stepped back, a puzzled frown on his face. He exchanged a look with his brother who could only shrug. 

Baraldur and Jorundur sat down cross-legged and inspected the mat and the apprentice took notes on a piece of parchment. They both began to frown, however, shook their heads and discussed the reading in low voices. Finally, the Diviner got up again. 

“Something seems to have gone wrong. I ask the King to make another throw.”

But the second throw didn’t seem to satisfy the Diviners, either.

“This does not make sense.” Baraldur crossed his arms.  
“Can you tell what went wrong?” Thorin’s voice was calm, but the brothers could see the worry in his eyes.

“I am not sure how to explain this to the uninitiated.” He paused, tapping the side of his nose. “Just imagine you have been given a message, but the words are tumbled. And you do not have all of them. So you have to find out in which order to put the words and then see what possible meanings you get.”  
Thorin nodded, arms crossed. “And?”  
“Well, it seems that the message we received was not only tumbled words, but in each word there are letters missing. It seems as if we have been given only half of the message.”

“And what does that mean?” Fili couldn’t keep his sudden worry at bay.  
“I don’t know,” Baraldur said simply. “I suggest we try the prince, and see if we can make sense of his throw.”

So this time it was Kili stepping towards the mat, and his blood applied to a new disc of gold. Making the throw was a little more difficult as he had to take all the stones in only one hand, but he succeeded in landing them all inside the pattern of lines.

The Diviner and his apprentice exchanged a look of confusion.  
“How can this be?” The apprentice lowered his quill. “I’ve never seen a reading like this, and then three times in a row?”

Baraldur frowned at the map. Suddenly his face lit up and he began to laugh. “Of course. Of course!”

“My King, my prince, please...” He waved them closer. “You are brothers, no?”  
Kili and Fili exchanged a mildly bewildered look.   
“Yes, we are brothers,” Fili said. “But what has that to do with anything?”

“Nothing or everything, depending if we are lucky or not.”Baraldur smiled in a way that didn’t help the brothers’ discomfort at all. He took the bowl and collected the gemstones again.

He produced another gold disc. “We try. And then we see if I was right. I hope so, of course, but it will only be my pride that will be harmed if I am wrong.” He chuckled.

And then he took both Kili’s and Fili’s blood and applied it to the disc. After carefully placing it in the middle, he bade the brothers to hold out their hands. Fili walked around his brother to stand at his right side and they held their hands out, Kili his right and Fili his left. They joined their hands and Baraldur poured the stones into their joined hands.

“Throw.”

The two brothers exchanged another look. Then they both nodded and in a perfectly synchronous move, brought their hands forward and cast the gemstones onto the mysterious pattern of lines.

Baraldur and Jorundur instantly bend over the mat to inspect and study the patterns. They discussed the position of several stones, using terms that made neither head nor tail to the two brothers. Jorundur kept making notes, and finally, Baraldur took the parchment and straightened up again to face them.

“I was right,” he said with a smug grin. “But be that as it may.” He cleared his throat. “Each of you gave us only half a reading, which is why I thought it might be worth a try making a reading for the two of you together.”  
“And that worked?” Thorin asked and walked over to his nephews’ side.  
“It worked.” Baraldur looked at the notes. “It must be a close bond between you.”

Kili and Fili exchanged a glance, this time accompanied by a smile.

“I’ve never seen a closer bond,” Thorin said. “They will risk everything and will brave everything for each other.”  
“Well then in this case no wonder we could not make a separate reading. Their fates are inseparably intertwined.”  
“And is that good or bad?” Kili asked.  
Baraldur smiled at him, his eyelids lowered. “That is not for me to say, my prince.”

The brothers exchanged another look, but they almost unconsciously moved a little closer together.

“Now about the reading,” Baraldur began. “The first, and most important thing, I gather, is the fact – and that surely doesn’t come as a surprise in the light of what you just told me – is that you are meant to marry a pair of sisters.”  
“No surprise there,” Thorin remarked drily.  
“The next thing, however, was not so easy to read.” Baraldur looked at his notes. “In the end, it can mean that either none of them or both of them will find what he seeks in his bride.” He looked at Fili, then at Kili. “And that is something I cannot help you with.”

He looked at his notes again. “The trouble is, however, that the Diamond has landed in the inner panel of Iron and Copper and touches the Heart of Gold.” He scratched the bridge of his nose and left them with this titbit of information as if it made perfect sense.  
“Yes?” Kili finally dared to venture.   
“Well.” Baraldur inhaled deeply. “Life. Or no life at all.”

“Is that all?” Fili asked after a moment’s silence. “What are we supposed to make of this?”  
“That is one of the things about divinations that are not easy to accept. They do not always speak clearly. And sometimes, only hindsight can decipher the meaning of a reading.”

Fili crossed his arms and pressed his lips together. Kili cast one look at his brother and looked at the Diviner. “Does it say where we can find those sisters?”  
“Now that question I can answer,” Baraldur said with a smile. “You need not find them at all.”  
“What?”  
“Surely the meaning is clear: They will come on their own.”  
“Oh.” Kili hooked his thumb into his belt. “Does it say when?”  
“No. Not any more specific than autumn. Which autumn, however, I cannot say. It might be the next, or in five years, I do not know. Things such as time very rarely appear in readings.”

“Is there anything else that might help us?” Thorin bore a deep frown. He wasn’t satisfied with what they had been given, that much was clear.  
“Only one thing.”Baraldur picked up the Onyx. “Wounds, or maybe scars.” He looked at Kili. “But it doesn’t necessarily concern you, my prince.” He met Kili’s eye. “Remember that scars, or wounds, as it may be, are not always visible.”

Kili nodded and forced himself not to look at his brother. “I know about visible and invisible scars,” he said.  
“I am sure you do.” Baraldur closed his hands around the black gemstone. 

There was nothing more to say, so Thorin and his nephews left the Diviners to their own devices and returned to a world that made more sense to them. But as soon as they approached the main hall, Balin came hurrying to meet them.   
“Thorin!” He slowed down and caught his breath back. “Quick. Fili, Kili, to the gates. We have visitors.”  
“Visitors?” Thorin frowned at the older dwarf. “What visitors?”

“The Lord of Ered Gethrin.” Balin pressed his lips together for a second. “The mountains overlooking the Sea of Rhûn.”  
“But they have been extinguished by the dark forces...” Thorin’s face went blank. “...or so we always believed.”  
“Obviously...” Balin said with a tilt of his head. “...we have been misinformed.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Vemu, Thanu menTan menu selek lanun naman_ – Greetings, my King. May your forge burn bright.
> 
> _Gamut sanu yenet_ – Well met.
> 
> _Demup telek menu, Izbadu_ Dolgar – Honour acts through you, Lord Dolgar.
> 
> _Gamut sanu yenet,Cylla/Ari,nathû Dolgar, Izbadû Ered Gethrin. – Well met, Cylla/Ari, daughter of Dolgar, Lord of Ered Gethrin_

As soon as he had processed Balin’s words Thorin, who acted as a royal stewart for Fili, headed for the gates to greet the guests from a dwarrow kingdom believed lost for generations.

Fili and Kili had exchanged a few worried looks on their way to the throne, but about the kingdom believed lost, its people extinguished by the flames of war, they had little knowledge.

Fili took his place on the throne, something that had taken him a long time to get used to, and Kili stood at his right. As always when on duty, Fili was clad in the heavy royal garments, the crown resting on his golden hair, while Kili wore the dragon armour and mantle, the crossbow in a holster at his right side, a heavy, one-handed broadsword on his left. 

Mustering him now from the corners of his eyes, Fili had to admit once again how unnerving his brother looked like this. The outfit, the scars, the empty eye and the part of his hair and beard bleached to white were intimidating enough on their ownbut if he so wanted, Kili could scare anyone with his one-eyed glare.

“Do you think what I think?” Fili asked, leaning slightly towards his brother.  
Kili shrugged and hooked his thumb into his belt. “Durin’s day is the day after tomorrow. Until then, it’s still autumn.”  
They looked at each other, then Fili gave his brother a smile. “Worried?”  
Kili’s look darkened. “Only that she’ll run away screaming.”  
Fili was about to say something conciliatory to that when he heard Thorin’s voice boom out from the huge double door leading into the throne hall.

“The Lord of Ered Gethrin, Dolgar Windrock, and his family!”

Dolgar was a dwarf of impressive size, both in height and in girth. His hair and beard were several shades of grey with black streaks in them, braided intricately and decorated with beads of gold.   
The woman beside him, obviously his wife, had aged very gracefully, her face bore few wrinkles and her curly hair, interwoven with golden beads and finely woven strings of golden wire, still showed that it had once been ginger. 

The Lord and Lady from Ered Gethrin were followed by two banner bearers carrying large, embroidered heavy curtains that reached the ground. Fili was relatively sure that their daughters were hidden behind these banners, if Lord Dolgar was indeed here because of what the divination had revealed to them earlier.

Having reached the throne, Lord and Lady bowed deeply, and Dolgar addressed the king, his voice strong and deep.

_“Vemu, Thanu men! Tan menu selek lanun naman_.”  
Fili inclined his head. _“Gamut sanu yenet_. Welcome to Erebor, Dolgar Windrock. Forgive us our surprise, for we believed your people lost to war generations past.”  
Dolgar bowed again. “Forsooth, the dark forces spreading flames of war did break through our defences and almost extinguished the flames of our people. Few of us survived, but we carried on, hidden in the lowest caves where no enemy could follow. When my forbearers then emerged back onto the halls of their forbearers, they began rebuilding our homes, but thought it prudent not to let the enemies know that they had survived. But eventually, we found out that the enemy was vanquished, and then news reached us that the King under the Mountain had come into his own again.” 

Dolgar paused, his face was serious and his grey eyes full of regret. “We have never been friends, Erebor and Ered Gethrin. Not even allies. But when the news reached our ears about Smaug, it was far too late for us to help even though we did send troops to the Mountain to see if anything could be done. I swear upon Durin’s blood that it is true.”

Fili inclined his head, for he fully believed Dolgar’s words. “I gather by the time you arrived, the refugees had long gone and the dragon sealed himself into the mountain.” Fili exchanged a glance with Thorin who had taken his place at Fili’s left.   
Dolgar bowed his head. “News travels slowly, _Thanu men_. As we found out, it was over two years after the attack that the news had even reached us. We are of no kin, but the loss of this mighty kingdom pained us.”  
Fili nodded. “Rest assured that we hold no grudge and do not blame. There are others; closer allies that forsook us in our greatest need.”

“A bitter fate, no doubt,” Dolgar said with a dark look on his face. “But as it is, the dwarrow of Ered Gethrin come to you now, King under the Mountain, with a pledge of alliance and friendship.”  
Fili nodded and got up, walking slowly towards Dolgar with outstretched hands. “ _Demup telek menu, Izbadu_ Dolgar.”  
Dolgar kneeled and with bowed head, took the King’s hands in his own. “At your service, _Thanu men_.”  
“Rise, Dolgar Windrock, and welcome once again into the Halls of Erebor. And rest assured that a bond of friendship and alliance is as invaluable as a bond of blood and kinship.” Fili bowed his head and took his place on the throne again.

A satisfied smile on his face, Dolgar bowed his head again. “What does not now exist can yet become, _Thanu men_. For I had the portents read before coming here, and the readings told us of Erebor being ruled by brothers.” He then bowed to Kili as well. “And coming here, we learned that the King’s brother is none other than the very hero who slew the dragon Smaug and ended his reign of terror.”

Kili and Fili exchanged a long look. Fili lifted his eyebrows, Kili nodded, and both looked at Dolgar again.

“ _Izbadu_ Dolgar.” Fili leaned a little forward. “I gather it should not come as a surprise that we had our own Diviner read the portents, and this very morning, no less.” He gave Dolgar a meaningful look.“Two brothers.”  
“And two sisters.”Dolgar smiled proudly. “I see fate is smiling on both of our people, _Thanu men_.”

After a long pause, Dolgar bowed and continued. “Let me express my wish, _Thanu men_ , that what we hoped for in Ered Gethrin, to establish a bond of friendship and alliance, can become a bond of kin and blood, as well. Let me humbly present to you my oldest daughter Cylla, the one called the Lady of Sunrise.”  
“Lady of Sunrise.” Fili smiled at the name. “Please.”

Dolgar and his wife stepped aside, then one of the banner bearers moved a step forward.

From behind the banner a young woman stepped forth, ginger hair set up in an intricate mix of curls and braids richly decorated with gold beads and woven strings of golden wire, much like her mother but far more sumptuous. Her eyes were downcast as she approached the throne, but when she looked up, emerald green eyes met the King’s sapphire ones, and for Fili, time stopped.

The most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. Her features were bold and delicate at the same time, a narrow, rounded chin, straight cheeks and high cheekbones, gently curved eyebrows, and a high forehead. Her lips, full and rounded, were slightly parted.

Beside him, Thorin unobtrusively cleared his throat.

Fili blinked and leaned back, realising to his shame he had been staring at the woman before him like a half-wit. But when he looked at her again he saw a faint blush and a nervous flicker in her eyes.  
With his heart racing, Fili realised that she had stared at him the same way he had stared at her. 

Cylla nervously cleared her throat as well. “ _Thanu men_.” Her voice was clear yet slightly wavering. _“Tan menu selek lanun naman._ ”  
Fili squared his shoulders, but he could do nothing to stop his racing heart. _“Gamut sanu yenet,Cylla,nathû Dolgar, Izbadû Ered Gethrin._ ”

Dolgar, a smile on his lips that could only be called smug, stepped beside his daughter and bowed. “Is our humble offer to our King’s contentment?”

Thorin leaned towards Fili, and Fili lowered his head.  
“Fili,” Thorin whispered into his ear. “As I see it the matter has been decided already, but we have to at least make the impression to be contemplating this, if only for protocol’s sake.”  
“How long will that take, uncle?” Fili whispered back.   
“Not more than this conversation, as you were... very obviously pleased with what has been presented to you.”   
Fili cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, uncle...” His whisper was slightly hoarse.  
“Don’t be.” Thorin lowered his voice even more. “There are worse fates than falling in love with each other before the wedding.”  
Fili nodded. “Is it decided, then?”  
“It is. But it will be me who takes over from here.”  
“Well and good.”

They both straightened up. 

“The King finds your offer agreeable, Lord Dolgar Windrock.” Thorin met Dolgar’s eyes. “We will find a time and place to negotiate the terms of the contract after you have been settled in.”  
“It will be my pleasure.” Dolgar bowed deeply. “Shall we proceed?”  
“By all means.” Thorin inclined his head and Dolgar reciprocated the gesture.

Dolgar then addresses Kili. “My prince, whom they call the Dragonslayer, let me humbly present you my youngest daughter Ari, the Lady of Starlight.”

The young woman stepping forth from behind the second banner was far more delicate than her sister, her features finely chiselled and her skin like polished ivory. Her hair was black like raven’s feathers and her eyes shone a bright silver. She slowly took a few steps towards the throne.

Kili bowed. _“Gamut sanu yenet, Ari, nathû Dolgar, Izbadû Ered Gethrin._ ”  
When he straightened up, Ari met his eyes with a look he could not identify. She looked him up and down, and when her eyes came to rest on his face again, her eyebrows drew slightly together. 

She spun around towards her father. “You cannot possibly mean this, Father? You are going to marry me off to this... this monster?”

Fili jumped up, his eyes glowing. “Who are you calling a monster?”  
“Ari!” Her mother snapped, her face white with shock.  
Dolgar’s face transformed into a grimace of barely contained anger. “And here I thought I had brought you up better than this.” He quickly turned to face the king.

“ _Thanu men_...” He bowed deeply before Fili and Kili, both looking and sounding contrite. “ _Uzbad-dashat men_ , I... words fail me to express... I beg your forgiveness.” He cast a furious look at his younger daughter who stood straight as a ramrod, her eyes empty of feeling. “Ari,” he hissed.  
His daughter slowly turned her head to look at him. Her shoulders heaved in a sigh. “I beg your forgiveness, _Thanu menUzbad-dashat men_ ,. I was... a little shocked at the prince’s appearance.” She swallowed. “I was informed he was scarred, but not about the extent.”

Through all this, Kili had stood still as if carved from stone. Not a flicker in his eye had betrayed anything of what was going on in his mind. Looking back and forth between the King and the prince and between Ari and her father, Thorin decided to step in to pour oil onto the troubled waters. 

He left his place and stepped between Fili and Dolgar. “Calm heads must persevere.” He addressed Dolgar. “Do not hold anything against your daughter, Lord Dolgar. Veterans of many battles have been taken aback upon seeing the Dragonslayer for the first time. How could a young woman fare better?”  
Dolgar took a deep breath to calm himself. Then he nodded. 

Thorin turned towards Dolgar’s daughter. “Lady Ari, I understand your feelings. But your choice of words was uncalled for and I assure you that the prince is a man of good character and kind spirit despite his appearance.”  
Ari hung her head and bit her lower lip. “I am terribly sorry my feelings got the better of me and made me say such inconsiderate words. I beg everyone’s forgiveness.”

Then Thorin turned to face Kili who still hadn’t showed even a flicker of emotion. Once again, Thorin was worried and saddened at the changes in his younger nephew who had been a reckless hothead before they had embarked on their journey. “My prince.”  
Kili lifted his eyebrows, the black one rising slightly higher than the white as the scarred skin wasn’t as flexible anymore.  
“Can you find it in your heart to forgive Ari her harsh words and start over again so something good might come out of this?”

“Of course.” Kili’s voice was as emotionless as his face, and Fili knew that his brother had vanished in the Dragonslayer again. He also knew that this time, it would be a lot harder to make him shed his armour again.  
“I know full well what my looks tend to do to people laying their eyes on me for the first time,” Kili went on. “Her words were spoken in shock, and not meant to hurt me. I have forgotten them already.”  
Thorin bowed his head respectfully to his younger nephew and prince. 

“Well then, I gather we all follow the prince’s example,” Thorin said pointedly. “Lady Ari, I present you Prince Kili, known as Kili Dragonslayer.”

Ari stepped towards Kili again and bowed her head. “My prince. Word of your admirable feat reaches far and wide. I shall be honoured to have a warrior of such honour and valour at my side.”  
Kili met her eyes, silver eyes as beautiful as starlight, but the absence of all feelings made them cold and distant as starlight, too. He inclined his head. “The honour is all mine. I am sorry that I am not the handsome prince a lady of your beauty deserves.”

They stood stiffly and looked at each other coldly. Thorin, thinking of the look Fili had given his future bride, could not deny a feeling of deep, heavy regret. It was unlikely that between these two, even mere fondness would ever arise. His heart ached for his younger nephew and he prayed to Mahal to make a miracle happen somehow.

**x-x-x**

That evening, Fili went to see his brother to find him pacing around his chamber.

“Kee?”  
Kili stopped his pacing when Fili peeked through the gap in the door. “I was knocking but...”  
“Come in.”

As soon as Fili had closed the door behind him, Kili resumed his pacing. Fili watched him for a while.

“Kee, I’m sorry...” he began, and Kili stopped, arms crossed.  
“What for? It’s not your fault that the woman fate chose for me has a tongue as venomous as a viper.”  
“No. But I’m sorry because...” Fili looked at his feet. “I know it’ll make you even more unhappy than you are now.”

Kili gritted his teeth and finally, met his brother’s eyes. “What am I supposed to do? Fee, what can I do about it? She hates me, and by Mahal’s beard, I don’t like her, either. If she had really spoken from shock I would forgive her those words in an instant, but she was being cold as ice as she said them.”  
Fili took a deep breath. “I saw that, Kee. Everyone saw that. Kili, please... you have the right to say no.”

Kili chuckled mirthlessly. “I know.”  
“But then...”  
“Fee.” Kili looked up again and looked into Fili’s eyes. “I know. But how can I? We’re supposed to marry sisters, aye? And trust me, another thing everyone, me included, has seen, is how you and Cylla stared at each other. You both looked as if someone had hit you with a sack full of hammers.”  
Fili felt a hot blush creep into his face. “But Kili...”

“Don’t but Kili me.” Kili shook his head. “Listen, Fili. I have seen you. I’m not sure what happened, but by the way you looked, you haven’t got a clue what happened, either. I don’t even know what it looks like when people talk about falling in love at first sight, but if I were to imagine something, then I definitely saw it today.”  
Fili swallowed, his blush becoming hotter.  
“I know you hate it when I say things like this, but even if you deny it, for me it’s nothing but the truth. I can’t be happy with any kind of marriage. The only woman who can love me despite my face is my mother. There is no Starlight Princess out there for me, but you, brother, have found the sunrise today.”  
“Kili stop.” Fili put his hands on his brother’s shoulders. “You can’t do that.”

“I can, and I will.” Kili’s look was unwavering as was his voice. “It’s not in my power to make myself happy, but it is very well in my power now to make you happy, or unhappy, as it were. I can tolerate her, and she will have to learn to tolerate me. Do you really think I’d come between you and true happiness just because of my pride?”  
“But you can’t sacrifice your chance at finding someone...”  
“There is no someone.” Kili shook his head. “And how likely is it that we find another pair of sisters anytime soon who match us in age and where the older causes such feelings in you the moment you look into her eyes?”

Fili was at a loss for words. He just shook his head as he looked at his brother.

“Fili.” Kili placed his hand onto Fili’s shoulder. “I know you want me to be happy. But it’s not going to happen. And I want you to be happy, which is easy enough for me. All it takes is one single word. No, brother. I am not going to tear you away from the woman you have fallen in love with.”  
Fili swallowed hard, his eyes filling with tears. “Kee, I...”  
Kili shook his head again. “I’ve got nothing to lose. You do. I don’t want to say anything else to this.”

Fili embraced his brother as hard as he could and Kili put both arms around him, something he rarely did as he preferred his left arm to be out of sight.

When Fili had left him, Kili sat down into a chair and looked into the flames of the hearth. “Yes, you have fallen in love, brother. As sure as Ari and I have fallen in hate.”


	4. Chapter 4

Dís and Thorin had their hands full the next two days, the former with organising a banquet to welcome their guests, the latter, assisted by Balin, with drafting and discussing terms of wedding contracts.

Fili tried to get his brother to go to Bofur’s tavern with him, but no amount of coaxing or begging made Kili leave his quarters, so Fili spend the time with him there. He brought some ale, but there was little talk. Kili was back in the Dragonslayer again, and Fili couldn’t even make him smile, not to speak of grinning.

Only on the evening of the banquet did Kili emerge again, but at least he wasn’t wearing his dragon armour. Fili had to admit to himself that his brother looked dapper in his finery: embossed leather, dark blue fabric embroidered with silver thread, fur trimmings made from the coat of a black wolf. His hair was brushed back and held in a clasp; Kili resented braiding any of it and said if he did the white braid looked as if he had goat hair glued to his face. The silver crown marking him as prince rested on his head, somehow enhancing the contrast between the black and white hair. 

Fili himself was dressed in red and brown, his tunic embroidered with gold. The heavy, fur lined coat and crown making him look impressive, and tonight, he looked forward to awe folks with his looks, although he felt a little self-conscious at trying to impress his future betrothed. Inwardly, he shook his head at his thoughts, but he simply could not help himself. 

The great hall was filled with people, drinking, talking and laughing, but as King and Prince entered, everyone hushed and a reverent silence settled over the guests. There was no need for any stewart or ceremonial master to announce their arrival.  
First when Fili had settled on the high-backed chair at centre of the largest table overlooking the hall and Kili had sat down beside him, conversations picked up again. 

No one noticed that the banquet had been thrown hastily together, as the food was so abundant that the tables almost bent under the platters and bowls.

But despite the food, the ale, the mead and the wine, few people failed to notice that the king would look at his future betrothed every now and then with a faint smile that was answered with a blush and a smile by the lady. The same people also did not fail to notice that during the whole banquet, the prince and his future betrothed did not look at each other for a single moment. 

When the food had been cleared away after some hours the guests began to mingle, talking, laughing, or simply walking over to the barrels to have their drinking vessels refilled. 

Kili didn’t leave his place and simply leaned back in his chair to watch the people in the hall. There was Thorin talking with his sister, there were a few others of the Company sitting at a table together and cheering Dwalin and Bifur who were arm wrestling. A faint smile tugged at Kili’s lips. 

There was his brother, a golden goblet of mead in his hand, and he had approached his future betrothed with his irresistible, dimpled smile. Predictably, the lady blushed a little and only shyly talked back to Fili. 

And then there was his own future betrothed. She wore a dress of a blue so dark it was almost black; heavy silk brocade that had little fancy decorations, as opposed to her sister whose dress was the colour of birch leaves, matching her eyes, and decorated with golden embroidery and lace.

Ari didn’t favour Kili with a single look as he watched her while sipping sparingly at his drink. She was talking to her mother, her back to him, and Kili was left to admire her hair; black silk as well, set up and interwoven with chains of beads, dozens tiny white gemstones shining from her hair like stars. But even as Kili wondered what kind of gemstone it was, he found himself wondering what that black, shiny hair would feel like sifting through his fingers. He gritted his teeth. 

Then her father joined the conversation and Ari turned to greet him. Her dress had a neckline that was only befitting because of her straight and proud bearing, and Kili guessed that on any other woman it would have looked indecent and tasteless. As it was, the midnight blue dress showed a lot of her marble white shoulders and neck that curved gracefully like a swan’s. 

Ari was very lean and delicate for a dwarf, but then, Kili had never been one for the stout and solid, as opposed to his brother, even if Cylla was not as ample and well endowed as Fili usually preferred. With an inward smile Kili could imagine Fili feeding his wife all sorts of choice titbits to amend that.

His eyes wandered onward, but then he noticed Thorin looking at him who raised his eyebrows the tiniest bit and tilted his head towards their guests of honour. With a sigh, Kili put his goblet down and got up. He got the message; he should at least make an effort.

As he walked across the hall, however, he observed a small incident, meaningless to those around but infuriating to him. Ari was gesturing something at her mother and managed to plant her elbow into the upper arm of a dwarf passing her by. The dwarf in question was Dori who was on his way to join his brothers and the Company, and Ari apologized profoundly, bowing slightly, with her marble hand covering her mouth. Then she touched Dori’s arm and said something else, and while she laughed softly, Dori forced out a grin and with a blush, all but fled her presence. Kili tried to catch his attention, but Dori kept his eyes firmly on the ground until he had reached the sanctity of the others.

As Kili approached, her father and mother noticed him and left their daughter, obviously under one pretence or another. He could see Ari square her shoulders and slowly turn around to face him. She wore a simple necklace with a large pendant of white agate that drew instant attention to its resting place and Kili suddenly knew why Dori had been so nonplussed at seeing her bow to him. 

“My lady.” He bowed gallantly. “My compliments on your choice of wardrobe, it becomes you.”  
“Thank you,” Ari replied coldly.   
“I hope you are enjoying yourself?”  
Ari lifted her eyebrows. “I did,” she said “Until a moment ago.”  
Kili pressed his lips together. “My apologies for intruding, I had no intention of ending your conversation.”  
“I guess so. But my esteemed parents did.”

The pause in their conversation stretched uncomfortably while Ari kept on giving Kili an unwavering, cold look.

Finally, Kili lowered his voice and met her eyes again. “You are making this very difficult for both of us.”  
“What?” Ari chuckled mirthlessly. “Do you expect me to throw myself at your feet like my sister did with her man? I don’t think so.”  
“I don’t think so either,” Kili gave back, an edge to his voice that Ari didn’t fail to notice, given her hardening eyes. “All I expect you to do is at least try to see me as a man and not a monster.”  
“A hideous looking man. My apologies, but your presence makes me feel qualmish.”  
“Then I can assure you that your venomous tongue does a good job of ensuring I will keep being in your presence to the absolutely necessary,” Kili hissed. “Rest assured that you will not have to wake up beside this face for the rest of your life. Give me the wedding night, and then have your own bedroom, or you own set of chambers, for all I care. If you are not interested in making this even remotely less uncomfortable, I shall no longer waste your time in attempting to do so.”

He bowed stiffly and left her, but as he strode through the hall towards the doors, Thorin held out an arm as he passed him.  
“Kili, you can’t go like this.”  
Kili was fuming and tried to do so anyway.  
“Kili my love.” Dís took his arm without thinking. “Join us. Try to calm down, please.”

Kili tore his arm out of his mother’s gentle grip with a jerk. He hated it when someone touched his left arm. 

“She called me hideous. She said into my face that my presence makes her feel qualmish,” Kili said, pressing the words through gritted teeth.   
“What a viper,” Dís replied. It was obvious that she resented the thought of her younger son marrying such a woman. “What an appalling creature!”  
Thorin shook his head. “It’s not too late, Kili. I can see where this is going, and I do not like it. We haven’t signed anything yet. You have every right to refuse her and frankly, I would not blame you if you did.”

Kili shook his head, and his anger withered into tired frustration. “I wanted to do this for Fili, I really did. I mean... look at them. I wanted to do it for him, so he can be happy.” His shoulders dropped and his voice faded into a whisper. “But I don’t know if I can.”  
“He would understand,” Dís said gently.  
“Of course he would.” Kili looked up again, his eye full of pain. “But he’d be shattered, and would wonder for the rest of his life what could have been. And I would stand beside him knowing that it was me who did it to him.”

Dís and Thorin exchanged a helpless glance. 

“Kili, my lad.” Thorin put a hand on his shoulder. “It is her destroying what might be, not you.”  
Kili shrugged. “Maybe. But if I wouldn’t look like a monster she would...”  
“Kili, no!” Thorin looked at him sternly. “I won’t have you talk about yourself that way, do you hear me? We’ve been through this, and I know you’re stronger than that. Do not let her words throw you back into an abyss you have already fought your way out of. She’s not worth it.”

Kili met Thorin’s earnest glare. As he did so, Thorin gently increased the pressure of his hand on his nephew’s shoulder. When Kili finally felt able to nod, Thorin returned the nod and let go. 

“I still need to get out of here,” Kili said slowly. “Just for a moment.”  
“Go get some air,” Thorin said gently. “And come back when you feel you can brave it again.”  
Kili nodded and left the hall without looking back.

But apart from Thorin and Dís, two other people had noticed his exit as well.

Fili and Cylla looked back at each other, and read the anxious question in each other’s eyes. 

x-x-x

The rest of the feast went on without incidents as Ari and Kili made a point of avoiding each other. 

But as soon as the first guests retreated Kili vanished as well without a word or gesture at those around him. Most dwarrow were used to this, as Kili had acted like this ever since Smaug, so no one raised an eyebrow at that. Fili, however, felt a hard, cold knot of worry in his soul; he had seen his brother talk to Ari and how he was trying to escape. He did not know what had happened exactly, but it could only have to do with Ari’s attitude. 

Most of the guests had left by now and Fili decided that he had enough, as well. He didn’t feel like sleeping, however, and made his way up to the ramparts for a breath of air. To his surprise he wasn’t alone.

“My lady Cylla?”  
Cylla turned around, her face blank. “My King. I am sorry... is it allowed to be up here? I was looking for some spot of solitude and fresh air...”  
“No, by all means.” Fili stepped towards the balustrade and rested his hands on the smooth, cold stone. “I come here often when I need a break.”

When he cast a look at Cylla he noticed that she wasn’t as alone as she probably would have liked. Her chaperones, two elderly, rigid ladies, stood a few steps away from her giving Fili stern looks.  
Despite their presence, Cylla stepped beside Fili and stared into the distance, across the lake and beyond. 

“My King...”  
“Yes?”  
Cylla cast him a shy look. “I am sorry about my sister’s behaviour, and ashamed.”

After a few heartbeats, Fili turned his head to look at her. Her eyes were downcast and her shoulders drooping. 

“Cylla, you should not be sorry for the deeds of someone else.”  
“She is my sister. And I feel...”She shrugged helplessly.  
“I know,” Fili said softly.  
“I am not sure you do.” Cylla finally met his eyes. “She wasn’t always like this. When she was younger, before she became a woman, she was sweet and kind and caring. We were as close as sisters can be. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what happened to her that turned her so hard.”

Fili saw the pain in her eyes, the sorrow about having lost her sister somehow, and he knew the feeling. He knew exactly what she was feeling  
“I do know, trust me on that,” he said in a low voice. “My brother is still alive and at my side every day. And yet, I still have lost him. He is not the man he was before the dragon.”

They looked at each other for a long while, loosing themselves in the other’s eyes. Fili finally dared to take both of her hands between his. One of the chaperones cleared her throat pointedly, but Fili ignored her. 

“My King...” Cylla whispered. “I just wish...”  
A gentle smile played around Fili’s lips despite his racing heart. “What is it you wish for?”  
She closed her eyes and Fili could feel her fingers entwining with his. “I would be more than honoured to become your queen,” she whispered. “Honoured, and...”  
“And?” Fili leaned a little forward, his voice a low whisper.  
“And happy,” Cylla whispered back, her eyes still closed. 

Fili leaned in and touched her forehead with his, again ignoring the sounds of disapproval coming from her ladies. With their entwined hands between them and their foreheads touching they remained, while a breeze sprang up and ruffled the fur collar of Fili’s coat. 

“If my sister and your brother cannot find together, if your brother will not agree, then we will not be together, either,” Cylla finally whispered.   
“I know.” 

Fili could finally hold himself no longer back; he leaned forward and brushed her lips with his in a chaste kiss. His lips were burning after that, but he knew that the chaperones would never allow more, and with reason. He sighed.

Cylla kept holding on to his hands as she looked at him. Her eyes were shining with moisture.  
“I fear I must take my leave, my love.” Fili placed another kiss onto her knuckles. “Do not despair. We will find a way.”  
“I shall dream of you,” Cylla whispered.  
“Then let us meet in our dreams,” Fili whispered back and kissed her cheek before letting go and stepping back. “Good night.” Then he bowed to the chaperones. “I bid you a good night, my ladies.”

Back on his way to his quarters Fili felt, despite his own words to Cylla, despair grow in him and attempting to swallow him. 

**x-x-x**

Behind the locked door to his chambers, and behind the closed door of his bedroom, Kili was lying on his bed staring into the darkness. He had lit no light, and the fire in the hearth had long burned down.

When he had left the hall he had wandered restlessly through the halls and galleries until he had ended up in one of the guardrooms high above the gate. He had sat on the windowsill staring out and down, and had at one point noticed three women walk up on the balustrades below. It had been dark outside, but the moonlight had let him see enough to realise it hadn’t been Ari but her sister, most likely with her chaperones. He hadn’t given them any further notice.

Until a fourth person had arrived, and he had recognised this person as his brother. He had heard them talk but not what they had talked about, although their demeanour gave him an idea.   
He had watched them take each other’s hands, had watched them touch their foreheads, and he had watched his brother kiss her.

And now he was lying alone in the coldness and darkness of his room and could not get his brother’s sorrowful face out of his head.

His brother had fallen in love with her and she, with him. And the two now were anxious, understandably so, that they would never be together.

He still was not sure if Ari had accepted her fate or if she was still trying to get him so enraged and repelled that he would refuse her, but he was far more concerned about his brother than her. And realising that, he knew he could only do one thing. 

Ari would hate him for this, if it was possible even more than now, but that did not frighten him. His brother in grief, that frightened him.

He had wished more than once that the dragon had killed him, taken Kili with him instead of maiming and disfiguring him and turning him into the Dragonslayer. But he hadn’t, Smaug was dead and what remained of Kili was still alive.

He served his brother now during the day, standing by his side as guardian and protector. And this would mean he would continued serving him at night as well, when he would see to that his brother’s bed was warm and his soul happy and at peace. His bed would remain cold anyway, so for him it would not make much of a difference.

As a warrior, he had sworn his brother fealty. And as a brother, he only wanted to see him happy. He would do his duty, and no less.


	5. Chapter 5

After the welcoming feast, now came the exhausting part of drafting contracts. The details of Ered Gethrin’s alliance had to be put down minutely, and Fili, Thorin and Dolgar went through everything at least three or four times to make sure everything was to everyone’s satisfaction.  
It took them two days to reach the point where Fili and Dolgar finally signed it. 

During that time Dolgar’s wife and her daughters had spent their time in the Queen’s Court where they finished the embroideries on the shirts they were to give their future husbands on the day of their betrothal. Dís watched both of them closely, as any mother would with the future wives of her sons.   
And she discovered that Ari, while still somewhat withdrawn, was not at all as obnoxious and insufferable as she at first had appeared to be. But the fact that she was so shallow and arrogant that she refused to see past Kili’s appearance remained. And remembering Kili’s words at the welcoming feast, Dís wasn’t entirely sure there would be a betrothal at all.

She and Thorin talked about this problem at length without being able to find a solution. Clearly, fate had marked them for each other, bound all four of them together, but it seemed too cruel a fate that it had bestowed love on one couple and only hate on the other. 

So it was that both of them were more than surprised when at the final meeting about the wedding contracts, Kili declared his consent. No one, Dolgar included, had expected this, and while Fili had nurtured a feeble hope, he had still not allowed himself to believe, and almost wished it would be otherwise. He knew he would be dealing with a bad conscience about his happiness as a price for his brother misery. 

But before anyone could even make an attempt at questioning him he had taken the quill and signed the contract. After that, there was nothing left to be said. Fili signed his contract as well, and Kili avoided his brother’s eyes for the rest of the day. 

The betrothal was announced that very evening, and to the cheers and well-wishes of the witnessing crowds, King and Prince took the hand of their betrothed and received the blessings of the fathers, or in their case, of their uncle in their father’s stead. After that they received their gifts from their future wives, embroidered shirts to wear at the wedding. 

And again, everyone could see the stark contrast between the two couples. Cylla offered the king her gift with a blush and a shy smile while Fili took it with a bow, his fingers unconsciously caressing the fabric and patterns.   
Ari’s black silk shirt for Kili was of exquisite work as well, her needlework even more delicate than Cyllas, but neither she nor the prince did more than casually glance at each other, both their faces cool and indifferent. 

Being as they were now allowed a little more contact as betrothed, albeit still in company of chaperones, Fili and Cylla found themselves a spot of solitude on the balustrades again. The chaperones were still watching them, but now at least they held their distance so they could at least talk privately to each other.

“I am so happy, my King.” Cylla smiled up at Fili who enclosed both her hands between his.  
“You do not look very happy, though.”  
Cylla lowered her eyes. “I wish your brother could be happy too, and my sister of course. But I cannot see it happening.”  
Fili sighed, heavy with remorse. “I know. I even feel that, somehow, I cannot be truly happy, either. There will always be...” He broke off as Cylla looked up at him again.  
“A drop of bitterness,” she finished for him. 

The two locked their eyes, and found their feelings mirrored there. Fili sighed again and kissed her, just a tender touch of lips. Cylla closed her eyes and leaned into him, resting her head against his shoulder as he closed his arms around her. They looked out into the night, but the stars were hidden behind banks of dark, windswept clouds.

**x-x-x**

Kili had offered Ari his arm, asking her if he might have a word with her to which she had agreed. She had then rested her hand on the offered arm and thankful for even the smallest of blessings, Kili noticed that as she did so, at least she didn’t look as if she had touched something cold and slimy.

He led her to a small balcony overlooking a small court with a large array of trick fountains that had been restored. Water shot up and cascaded down, and spurted out of the mouths of dragons and other creatures. 

Checking that the chaperones were out of earshot if not out of sight, Ari addressed Kili immediately after they had stopped, her hand gone from his arm. 

“What was it you wanted to talk about?”  
“I wanted to make sure we can come to an agreement.” Kili met her cold, silver stare. “Know that I am doing this solely for my brother’s sake. I have no interest in you.”  
“An agreement?” Ari raised her eyebrows, a derisive smile curling her lips. “I was never asked for my consent, so what good could an agreement do me now?”  
“I am sure that if you had, we would not be having this discussion. As it is, I am making you an offer.”  
Ari crossed her arms. “How generous.”

“I might reconsider just to spite you,” Kili said, his voice low. “As it is, I offer you your own set of chambers with your own bedroom. I am as little excited at the thought of waking up next to you for the rest of my life as you are.”  
She nodded stiffly. “And the wedding night?”  
“There’s no help for that. We have to make it legally binding. After that, I do not care what happens in your bed. But if you give birth to a bastard, I shall claim him as mine.”  
Ari nodded again, but less stiffly so. Her lips, however, were more tightly pressed together. “Anything else?” she finally asked. 

“You can curse me all you like, and call me all sorts of names, as long as you are within your own private chambers.” Kili met her eyes, forcing himself to keep his voice calm. “In public, however, you will treat me with the same respect I will afford to you. I have no interest in shaming or compromising you.”  
For the third time Ari nodded.   
“Is there anything you would like to add?”

Ari contemplated this for a moment, then took a deep breath. “What if you change your mind and want a son and heir, after all?”  
Kili chuckled mirthlessly. “Trust me, that won’t happen. I am the second son through the female line, I don’t need any heirs. My brother does, however, and as there is a somewhat warmer bond between him and your sister than is between us, they should have no problem achieving that. I do not want children.”

Ari frowned, her cold facade cracking for the first time Kili had met her. “You want no son of your own? Why?”  
Kili slowly leaned forward and in addition to showing her his face, lifted his left arm. “I am tired of being called a monster, but I can deal with it. But never will a son of mine come running to me in tears because he has been called the son of a monster. I’d rather die childless than put anyone through that.”

Her eyes had widened, if in revulsion or in fear, he neither knew nor cared. After a few moments, her cold stare was back, but her lips were no longer a thin line.   
“Very well,” she finally said. “I agree to those terms, my prince.”  
Kili inclined his head. “Then let us head back. I have kept you long enough in my presence.”  
Ari shook her head as he offered her his arm again. “Thank you, my prince. I would ask to be alone with my thoughts right now.”  
Kili nodded and headed back towards the merry company of guests celebrating a double betrothal.

As he was making his way towards the double door of the great hall someone hailed him, and as he stopped and turned around, he could see his brother’s betrothed hurrying towards him. “My prince! A word?”

He inclined his head and let Cylla catch up to him. “My lady. What can I do for you?”  
Cylla cast a look over her shoulder where the chaperones stood, close again as this was not her betrothed. “Oh please,” she said. “He is my future husband’s brother and thus all but a brother to me.”  
After a few seconds the chaperones agreed and withdrew out of earshot if not out of sight.

“My prince.”Cylla nervously licked her lips. “I know that I have to thank you for my chance at... at being with...” She blushed fiercely and Kili took pity on her.  
“I know,” he said. “I have seen you and my brother look at each other. I could not have done anything else, even if I do feel sorry for your sister.”  
Cylla shook her head and looked up again. “I know how she is, and I know... I know how hurtful she can be. But please... I beg you to believe me; she was not always like this. She was sweet and kind and caring when she was younger, but a few years ago, shortly after she became a woman, she began to change.”  
Kili shrugged. “Most people change when growing up.”

“No.” Cylla sighed and wrung her hands. “Not so drastically. Not so... deeply. She is my sister, and I know her. I have known her all her life. I have no idea what is it, but I know that something must have happened to her that turned her so hard and cold.”  
“And what do you suppose I shall do about it?”  
“Nothing. There is nothing you can do.” Cylla wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I just wanted to let you know that... that maybe it can be...”  
“Reversed?” Kili shook his head. “Dear Cylla, I can see you have a kind and caring heart as well. But your sister has left her childhood behind, and you remember her as the child she was. That she has become a woman you find not agreeable is no fault of yours. Let it rest.”

Cylla seemed to disagree, but since she found nothing else to say, Kili bade her a good night and asked his leave. She nodded mutely and watched him go, closing her eyes in a futile attempt to stem her tears.

**x-x-x**

Fili had left Cylla in the care of her chaperones; he felt restless and not at all as happy as he knew he should, and could be. Deciding that he was done with just putting up with everything that was thrown his way, he began to search for his brother but found, to his surprise, only Ari standing alone on a balcony overlooking the yard of the dragon fountain. He squared his shoulders and approached her.

“My lady Ari?”  
Ari spun around as she was torn out of whatever thoughts she had been lost in. “My King?”   
The fact that he had his arms crossed and a frown on his face didn’t escape her notice, and she stiffened.

Fili came to halt directly before her. “Apart from his scars, a fact that any well-bred person should be able to look past, what is the prince’s fault to deserve such blatant hate from you?”  
She crossed her arms. “I do dislike him. Is that not enough? I have apologized for my slip, and I will take care of my feelings and my words from now on.”  
“Oh, I am sure you will. He has done nothing to deserve how you treat him.” Fili lowered his voice. “Or has he?”  
Ari swallowed. “He hasn’t. Not in deed.”

“Only by existing,” Fili huffed and leaned back, not masking his own feelings for her. “I know you bear no fondness for the prince, nor he for you. And even if I am his king, I cannot make his decisions for him, and I will not tell him how to live his life.” He leaned forward again, his sapphire eyes glowing. “But by Durin’s blood, my brother’s blood and mine, I swear if you ever do anything to harm or hurt him, you will answer to me. As a king, and as a brother. Do you understand me?”  
Ari took a tiny step back, her skin even paler than before. “I understand,” she whispered.  
Fili nodded wordlessly and spun around without a further look. 

**x-x-x**

It was long past midnight when Dís finally decided her presence at the celebration was no longer needed. And since she enjoyed the sight and the silence on the balustrades above the gate, she headed for the stairs. But as she was about to step outside, she saw someone was already there. Dís frowned and withdrew a little back into the doorframe, observing Ari with narrowed eyes. What was she doing here without her chaperones?

The wind played with Ari’s hair and stirred her skirts around her ankles. She herself was standing still as a stone, her hands hanging limply at her side. As silently as she could, Dís moved to the other side of the doorframe to get closer. Ari’s lips were moving, and only by sticking out her head, Dís could hear what she was saying. She also realised that tears were streaming unheeded down Ari’s face.

Concerned and somewhat appalled, Dís tip-toed away and down the stairs with a deep frown. She would not have been surprised at the tears, Fili had told her he had given her a piece of his mind, and by the way she had treated everyone Ari shouldn’t have been surprised that her behaviour would be echoed back to her. But her words, and the way in which she had spoken them, had Dís wondering about something else, something deeper.She closed her eyes and shook her head. 

_Mahal help me. Mahal have mercy on me_. 

Ari was mortally afraid.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Gajut men, Amad.Men uzbad-dashatû damâm Durinul_ – Forgive me, Mother. I am a prince of Durin’s blood.
> 
> _Menu gajatu, dashatê_ – You are forgiven, my son 
> 
> _Ishmikhi damâm Durinul_ – Hail Durin’s Blood

As the duration of at least six weeks for a betrothal was statutory and no one would demand for ancient laws to be changed for one single occasion, Durin’s Day was a little less lavishly celebrated than planned; all attention now turned towards the preparation of a double royal wedding.

Durin these six weeks the ladies in the royal halls were busy sewing wedding garments for the bridal couples, the kitchen staff were working constantly on curing meats and preparing what could be prepared, hunting parties were sent out every day so the unexpected feasts would not deplete the stocked provisions too much. 

Within the royal quarters of King and Prince, furniture had to be arranged or re-arranged, replaced or acquired to accommodate their wives and future families.   
Kili, however, made sure that the rooms adjacent to his hearth chamber were not turned into nursery and bedrooms but into quarters for Ari, then he left the details of the furnishing to her. All they shared was the main room, the hearth chamber itself, and from there one door led to Kili’s drawing room and bedroom, and the other to Ari’s personal quarters. No one was really surprised by this arrangement.

As the day drew nearer, both Fili and Kili spent hours in their mother’s halls being fitted with their wedding garments. Dís was adamant about everything and tolerated not the tiniest fold or stitch out of place.   
First when everything down to the last little detail was to her satisfaction did she allow her sons to admire themselves in a floor-length mirror. 

Fili’s colours were again shades of dark red and brown; his robes were heavily embroidered with thread of gold and trimmed with golden fur from the coat of a cougar. He looked majestic from the crown on his golden mane down to the gilded steel caps of his boots.

Then it was Kili’s turn, but he looked only at his mirrored image for his mother’s sake. He couldn’t care less about how he looked when marrying a woman he did not want and who certainly did not want him.

But when he looked, he could not deny a trace of vanity, coupled with admiration for his mother’s taste and the skill of the women who had made these garments. Charcoal black suede trousers and boots with silver buckles, a shirt of black silk and a tunic of a dark, rich blue that was embroidered with black and silver ornaments and decorated with woven borders that were black and silver as well. The last item was a long vest of heavy fabric dyed a darker shade of blue than his tunic. It sported the same embroidery and woven borders, but also a fur collar. A two coloured fur collar, the right side black, and the left side white, so the shades of fur blended perfectly into his hair.

Kili ran his hand over the rich, thick fur. “Is that wolf?”  
“Yes, it is.” Dís walked around him and tucked here and adjusted there. “I found the coats in Dale on display and bought them, thinking of making something special for you.”  
“My wedding garments?”  
Dís mouth became a thin line. “It came in handy now. But in fact, I had these two coats lying in my chamber for months now.”  
“Too bad all this finery and all the work you put into this will be lost on the eyes of my future wife.”  
Dís tsked. “That is her loss, not yours. Apart from that, there will be a lot of other eyes at the wedding, and I have no intention of it being said that I slighted her just because she slighted you.”

Kili kept staring at himself in the mirror. He adjusted his posture following his mother’s orders and discovered that the left arm of his shirt was made-to-measure. No rolled up or emptily flapping sleeve on his wedding. His mother had accepted his refusal to wear the prosthetic hand Bifur had offered; a shallow pretence of still being whole when he very clearly wasn’t.

Bearing the stern, motherly attention to his hair with a stoic face Kili was still watching himself. He felt his brother’s eyes on him and looked at Fili’s mirror image that gave him an encouraging nod and smile.

“You should really try some sort of braiding,” Dís muttered behind him while trying to find a more suitable hairstyle than the one Kili usually preferred, which was doing nothing and just have it straggle and hang wherever it liked.  
“And have my hair look like Bifur´s beard?” Kili winced as Dís attacked a more stubborn knot with her comb.  
“Nonsense,” Dís snorted. “And even if it was, it would be better than this haystack.”  
Kili rolled his eyes, a somewhat discomforting gesture with his missing left eye, as he discovered when looking at himself in the mirror. 

“If you hate that white hair so much, why don’t you try dying it?” Fili stepped closer to inspect what his mother was doing.  
“I tried that long ago.” Kili closed his eyes. “It doesn’t work. The dye won’t hold, not even walnut juice leaves a trace.”  
“And you shouldn’t, really.” Dís shook her head and unravelled whatever she had braided and started afresh. “I know you have heard it a thousand times, and I said it a hundred times at least, but you should be as proud of that hair as you should be of your scars. I still cannot believe you are so prone to vanity.”

Kili’s face darkened. “Vanity has nothing to do with it, mother. It’s how everyone treats me!”  
“Which is exactly what vanity is all about!” Dís glared at her younger son via the mirror. “You have gotten entirely too comfortable with being called ‘the pretty dwarf prince’ by the girls back in Ered Luin.”  
Opening his mouth Kili tried to protest, but his mother wouldn’t let him.

“And by Mahal’s beard, you lived up to that title sure enough. I can’t say how glad I am that Thorin had always an eye on you and your brother, because as sure as daylight follows night time I would already be the grandmother of several bastards otherwise.”  
“Mother...”  
“Yes? What is it? I was there, you know. Do you think I wouldn’t notice how you kept on winking and smiling at the girls, and how they fawned about you? And now you’re broody as an elf at midnight and by Durin’s black beard if it hadn’t been me who gave birth to you I’d say you surely must have been born on the wrong side of the sheets!”  
“Mother!!” Kili tore away from her and spun around. “Are you listening to yourself? Do you believe what you just said?”

“Mother...” Fili tried to intervene. He was completely ignored.

Arms akimbo, Dís leaned forward, her eyes emitting the same sparks of anger as her son’s. “Oh yes, I am, and yes, I do! Because this is not how I raised you! I have not raised my son to brood over his looks like a she-elf!”  
“I am not...” Kili growled, but his mother was a true Durin and not easily stopped.  
“My father lost his eye long before I was born and I have never, ever heard him lose a single word about it! Everyone honoured him for his scars! And if he had encountered a pretty woman calling him a monster because of it he would not have favoured her with a single thought because he was far above these things, as you should be! You are of Durin’s blood, Kili, as much as he was! And now do yourself and everyone else the favour and act like the Son of Durin you are or I swear by Durin’s black and hairy arsehole I’ll have Thorin hold you down while I beat some sense into you!!”

Her heavy bosom was heaving and her eyes glowing with anger as she stared down both of her sons who easily topped her by several inches and outweighed her by at least forty pounds.   
Said sons, however, stared gobsmacked and wide-eyed at their mother and seemed to have forgotten how to blink.

After a long, uncomfortable silence, Dís dropped her arms and walked up to Kili, adjusted his collar and patted his cheek.   
“I’m sorry, my love. But I am sure you know as well as I do what happens when a Durin loses their temper.” She pressed a finger under his chin and closed his still open mouth. “What others may think or not think should not have that heavy an influence on how you live your life. So tell me, son of mine, what will it be? Elfling, or Prince of Durin?”

Kili looked at his mother, and finally met her eyes. He saw the anger, he saw the disappointment, but he also saw the fierce pride and unyielding love she felt for him. It almost seemed as if she felt for both of them, as if all the pride and love he should feel for himself was there, in his mother’s eyes. Slowly, he reached out and cupped her cheek with his right hand and leaned forward to touch her forehead with his.

_“Gajut men, Amad,”_ he whispered. _“Men uzbad-dashatû damâm Durinul.”_  
 _“Menu gajatu, dashatê_.” A single tear trickled down her cheek and she embraced him.   
Kili closed his eyes and after a moment, forced himself to put both arms around his mother. 

**x-x-x**

It was two days before the wedding that another arrival almost got lost in all the frenzied activity going on in the mountain to prepare the celebration. Having come in with a trade caravan and waiting close to the gates, he had simply stood there and waited, and by the time a guard had noticed him, had gone to find Thorin who had then hurried to get to the gate to greet him, Jorundur had almost stood there for two hours. Yet he simply smiled at Thorin as if nothing had gone wrongat all.

“Jorundur!” Thorin bowed his head. “Forgive the poor welcome.”  
Jorundur bowed his head as well. “I did not come here expecting everyone to hail my arrival.”  
“Still.” Thorin extended his arm in invitation. “Let me find you a place to stay.”  
“That will not be necessary right now.” Jorundur picked up his massive bag. “Go about your business for now, I can see that you have a lot going on with the wedding. I can stay down in the mountain until things have calmed down. Some food would not go amiss, though.”

Thorin nodded. “My thanks. I will send a guardsman down with you to light up lamps so a servant can find you and bring you food.”  
“I do not have to be served.” The Diviner shook his head, making the beads in his braided beard click together. “I shall have the guardsman show me where the servants eat, for I am no more than that, a servant of this mountain.”  
Thorin bowed again, deeper this time. “And yet we are honoured to have you amongst us.”  
Jorundur smiled. “My thanks.”

It was only after Thorin had left Jorundur that he thought he might have asked the Diviner about the wedding and the portents they had cast before the sisters’ arrival. He made a mental note to amend that, but another delegation, this time from the Iron Mountains, chose to arrive that very minute. Thorin didn’t even get to think about the Diviner any more that day.

**x-x-x**

Fili and Kili spent the last two days before the wedding either with Thorin rehearsing moves and words or with their mother who still wasn’t done adjusting wardrobes and hairstyles of their sons. And while Fili was as restless and nervous as his mother, Kili bore all this with a stoic resignation to fate. There was nothing for him to look forward to.

When the day of their wedding had arrived at last and the brothers had been dressed and groomed to Dís’s satisfaction, they made their way down to the Gallery of the Kings, a befitting location for that kind of celebration as everyone had agreed upon. They positioned themselves at the upper end, next to a large table draped in brilliant white cloth embroidered with thread of gold and countless triangular golden beads.  
Resting on this cloth were two crowns for the two sisters; a golden one inlaid with small, polished spheres of garnet, sunstone and topaz, the colours of sunrise, and a silver one inlaid with white agate, crystal quartz and hematite, the colours of starlight.

They did not have to wait long until their brides arrived, led by their father and mother, and it became clear that Dís and the ladies had outdone themselves in creating the ladies’ garments. They matched their grooms’ attires in colour and style; Cylla was wearing red and gold, her dress accentuated with cougar fur, and Ari wore midnight blue, silver and black, her dress decorated with the black and white wolf fur.

When the brides had taken their positions beside their grooms and everyone quieted into a revered silence, Dolgar stepped forth and addressed the couples with a long speech about blood, kin and family, about the new bond created between two kingdoms and the bright future ahead of them. 

When he was done, Thorin followed his lead, but he only looked as his nephews, a small smile of pride on his face. “I have always known you as the prince and King you are now, and that you would not let the Blood of Durin fail,” He said. “You are the pride of Durin’s Line, my sister-sons. _Ishmikhi damâm Durinul.”_

He bowed his head, and went back to stand beside Dolgar to oversee the exchanging of the vows.

Fili and Cylla left their position beside the table and stepped into the middle of the hall, into the centre of attention of everyone present. There, they clasped each other’s hands and exchanged their vows while looking deeply into each other’s eyes. It was undeniable that there was a warm bond between these two, and when they walked back towards the table and Cylla knelt before him, Fili’s eyes shone with moisture as he placed the golden crown onto her head, making her his queen.  
He then offered her his hand to stand up again and taking his arm, she exchanged a smile with Fili that radiated happiness.

The mood changed when Kili and Ari walked into the centre of the hall. There was no happiness, no bond, and by the way the two looked at each other it was unlikely that even mere fondness could ever arise between them. Kili held out his arms and Ari took his right hand, but only when he tilted his head with narrowing eyes, she also took the stump of his forearm into her other hand although it visibly cost her quite an effort to do so.

Kili and Ari exchanged their vows with voices that were clear and unwavering but void of all emotion. They walked back towards the other couple with Ari’s left hand resting on Kili’s right arm, and it seemed as if she forced herself not to wipe the hand that had touched Kili’s maimed arm on her skirt.

Ari wordlessly knelt before Fili who then crowned her as a princess, a smile on his face that did not reach his eyes. 

But there was one person watching all this with an unmoving face and watchful eyes. He had seen the difference between the two couples; he had seen the light and the absence of light in the eyes of brides and grooms. He kept on watching them, and he knew that one couple was looking forward and were eager for the wedding night while the other would rather it was already over.  
But since Jorundur was a Diviner and saw much more than most people would, he saw something that worried him deeply and it was not the fact that Ari and Kili seemed to hate each other.

The ceremony thus concluded there followed a lot of congratulations, backslappings from Dolgar and Thorin and hugs and kisses from mothers and mothers-in-law. 

The celebration that followed took place in the greatest hall the royal palace complex had to offer, the bridal couples were showered in gifts, blessings and congratulations. 

No one noticed that Jorundur did not join the crowd leaving the Gallery of Kings, and that he hurriedly made his way down into the mountain. 

Having reached his cave he lit incense and inhaled the pungent, aromatic smoke that arose from the small bowl. Still thinking deeply on what he had seen, he began to collect various items, among them a large, flat bowl that he filled to the brim with finely grained sand. He positioned the other things around it and picked up a large, white, egg-shaped stone. 

Muttering under his breath Jorundur proceeded to tie that stone to his wrist with a soft strip of leather, making sure with a bit of cloth that it would not touch his skin. Then he nodded to himself and made his way back to the celebration again.

Once there it was a simple feat, due to his appearance and his standing that was easily recognised, to reach the bridal couples for a personal congratulation. He clasped hands with both grooms and both brides, but no one noticed, not even Ari, that he had clasped her hand a little closer to the wrist so that her fingers came to touch the white stone Jorundur had tied to his wrist.

And as the food arrived and the feasting began, he slipped away unnoticed again and made his way for his little cave, still deeply in thought.

He sat down in front of the bowl and carefully, without touching it with his bare skin, placed the stone into the centre of the bowl. He meditated upon it and finally, made a decision. 

He took a small vial and carefully dribbled its contents in a circle around the stone into the sand, muttering ancient words under his breath, the meaning only known to the likes of him.  
Then he placed a polished silver disc in front of him, drew a few drops of blood with a needle from his finger and let the drops fall onto the silver disc. After that, he drew a circle around the blood with salt. 

“Freely I give and humbly I beg the power of Earth and Blood. No harm will I do, but uncover a secret hidden in darkness, so light can bring healing. There are wounds that no one can heal but the one suffering from them.”

The salt ignited and burned with small, translucent, bluish flames. The blood vanished.

Jorundur nodded and scraped the burning salt together in one single heap in the centre of the disc with a silver knife. And as he placed the burning salt onto the ring around the stone in the sand, he chanted in a low, almost inaudible voice.   
“No harm will I do, but uncover a secret hidden in darkness, so light can bring healing.”

The ring around the stone burned, like the salt, with tiny bluish, translucent flames. 

“Light can bring healing.”

Jorundur sat cross-legged and watched these flames dance around the white stone, opalescent and filled with an inner, ever shifting light, mirroring the dancing flames around it.


	7. Chapter 7

As the two bridal couples retreated from the feast, accompanied by loud cheering and the occasional cat-call, Kili couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy as he watched his brother and Cylla head for the royal quarters. Both of them were blushing and bore almost ridiculously happy smiles, and both of them had only eyes for each other.

With a heavy sigh, he closed the door of the hearth chamber behind him; the only room that connected Ari’s set of chambers with Kili’s. Ari vanished instantly into Kili’s bedroom, and even if he could understand her eagerness to get it behind her, he could not quite be so zealous about it. After he had rid himself of vest and tunic, he put a few more logs onto the fire and crouched before the hearth to stoke the flames, fully aware the he was stalling for time.

When he finally forced himself upright again he dimly wondered how he was supposed to be able to do anything about consummating the marriage. He pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it carelessly, but upon opening the bedroom door, all thoughts vanished from his mind for a moment.

Ari was draped onto the bed, her hair undone and spilling over her shoulders, and she was completely naked. Her alabaster skin a stark contrast to the raven-black hair. Kili’s eye followed the curve of her hips of their own accord, and wandered over her body to rest on the curve of a round, perked breast. Ari noticed him, but let Kili look for a moment before she turned around to look at him, her silver eyes roaming over his body, her lids half-lowered.

Kili wanted to go on hating her at that moment. He wanted to somehow make it through this without regrets. But it had been four years now that he had known no other than his own hand, and his body responded to her nakedness in the only way it knew how.

He forced himself to look only at her eyes as Ari swung her legs off the bed and got up, but as she stood directly before him, her breasts almost touching his skin, he could feel his self-restraint beginning to fail him. It had been too long... and Ari truly was beautiful.

“Do you like what you see?” Ari asked in a low voice.  
“Despite everything else.” Kili forced his breathing to remain calm. “What caused this change of mind?”  
Ari drew a fingernail down his chest. “You said we have to go through this. You want to make it legally binding. I have no choice about this, so I am trying to make it easier.”  
Her hand came to a halt at the waistband of his trousers and her fingers began unlacing it.

Kili pressed his teeth together. He was still locking eyes with Ari who now slipped her hand into his trousers. He couldn’t suppress a hiss as she touched him. Using her other hand to help she pushed his trousers down just enough so she could free his manhood.   
Kili had to close his eyes. He knew he had lost now, that he could not expect himself to hold back his feelings or his reservations. But when Ari now slowly knelt down, so close to him he could feel her breath graze his skin on the way down, he grabbed the bedpost for support. 

But whatever he had expected, it surely was not that she would undo the buckles of his bootstraps so he could kick his boots off. He still had his eyes closed, feeling like the worst fool in the mountain, when she proceeded to remove his trousers. Kili straightened up and opened his eyes, but then he felt her hands slide up his legs and come to rest on his buttocks. Then he felt warm breath, followed by hot moistness.   
He let his head drop against the bedpost with a groan. 

And while his body began to glow with the familiar heat of arousal, in his mind he knew that she did not do it to please him but to pocket him. And he, he became the slave of his own physical sensations.

Another deep groan escaped him, and he had to force himself not to move. This couldn’t be happening...

And all of a sudden, her mouth and hands were gone. A hitched gasp escaped Kili’s lips just as another pair of lips pressed hungrily against his own with an eager tongue demanding entry. He let go of the bedpost and closed his hand around one of the firm, round breasts, running his thumb over the nipple. Ari moaned against his lips.

He let himself fall then, taking her with him, and landing on top of her he did not waste any time lest the conscious part of his mind awoke again. Her nails were digging into his back as he nudged her legs apart, and when he sheathed himself with no resistance whatsoever to entirely too loud a moan from her, his brain finally caught up. He froze; and under him, Ari froze as well.

He stared down at her for the duration of a few heartbeats, his body on fire with the sensation of unfulfilled lust, his mind reeling with a maelstrom of emotions.

“You slut,” he finally hissed, and Ari flinched under him. He pulled out of her and scrambled onto his feet. Ari looked up at him with eyes wide in fear.   
“You dirty little harlot...” Kili took a step back. “That’s the reason you didn’t want to marry? And is that why you did your best in trying to get my cock to think for me? I assure you, it almost worked. Almost.”  
Ari swallowed and still stared at him, lips parted.  
“How many?” Kili could barely contain his anger. Had he been given the raw end of the deal in every aspect? “How many? Two, five, or just one?”

She still did not reply; she kept on staring at him like a small animal in the gaze of a snake.

Kili curled his fist. “It doesn’t really matter, does it? But what matters is when they come tomorrow morning to inspect the sheets. And then what do you think will happen?”  
Ari mutely shook her head.  
“I tell you what!” He could barely contain his anger. “There will be no sign of you having been a virgin and I am the laughingstock of the whole mountain for the rest of my life! Already a cuckold even before the wedding night!”

His anger was boiling over, and he left the bedroom before he did something he would later regret. Just as he closed the door behind him he suddenly came to think of his brother. He could almost see them in his mind, their bare limbs entangled, lips kissing, hot breaths whispering each other’s names. And in the morrow, everything would shatter. Ari was shamed, the wedding not consummated, and thus, the marriage void. Both marriages, as the contract was binding for the two of them. Kili shook his head and dragged his hand down his face.

When he opened his eyes again he realised he was standing next to his desk, an item of furniture he rarely used. Two neglected quills gathering dust, a little pot of long dried-up ink, and beside that, the little pen-knife for quill sharpening. He slowly picked it up and inspected the blade, small but sharp. He took a deep breath and headed back into the bedroom.

When Ari saw him come back with the knife in his hand, she shrank back against the headrest of the bed. It was a satisfying sight for Kili even if he hated himself for it.   
“I won’t hurt you,” he whispered hoarsely. “Come here and do your part. And I do mine.”

Her eyes never leaving his, Ari all but crawled back to him and knelt down at his feet. Kili closed his eyes when she took him again, a sensation so sweet and yet, all sweetness was poisoned by what he felt and what he failed to feel.

His mind and his body fought a battle of feelings and sensations, but the physical sensations slowly got the upper hand. He roughly shoved her back onto the bed and brought the knife up, resting it against the skin of his mutilated arm. He met Ari’s eyes as he pierced his skin with the tip of the blade.

He dropped the knife then and brought his hand to the small, bleeding incision, squeezing blood out of the wound into the palm of his hand. With his hand covered in his own blood he brought it down and closed it around himself as he knelt down on the bed. Ari was still watching him with terrified eyes, but when he knelt on the bed, she turned around and went down on all fours.

“Oh no,” Kili whispered in a cracked voice. “You will look at me.”

Ari turned around onto her back. This time, there was no noise, real or pretence, when he entered her again. He began to move, and even though he knew she had prepared herself with oil from the bottle still standing on the nightstand, the slickness was as welcome as if it had been her own. It was easy to let go after that, and it was over rather fast. When he rolled down from her body with a heavy moan he didn’t look at her again.

With the heaviness of post-coital exhaustion settling in his body, he pulled the blanket over him and turned onto his side, his back to her. She was crying, trying not to make a sound, but failing.

“Rest assured that I will never touch you against your will again,” he told her. “Sleep in your own chamber in your own bed from tomorrow on. But never dare to think I did this for your sake.”

He fell asleep soon after, but his dreams were heavy and filled with screams, pain and fire; and a dragon with silver eyes shedding tears of blood.

**x-x-x**

The guests from Ered Gethrin stayed for another week after the wedding before they headed home again following a teary farewell of mother and daughters.  
Affairs calmed down after their departure and the heartbeat of the mountain slowed to its normal rhythm of day and night again with no more feasting late into the night.

But no matter if the days were quiet or busy, the nights short or long; the young King was still often to be found wandering the still and empty halls at night, restless and uneasy from memories that haunted him even in his dreams. Not even the bliss of being newlywed could do anything to calm his mind when those dreams came. 

It was three weeks after the wedding that Fili left his quarters shortly after midnight when his dreams had awoken him and left him feeling drained and yet so restless and uneasy that he was unable to stay in bed. Cylla was deep asleep and he saw no reason to wake her and trouble her with thoughts she could do nothing about.

His usual round took him past the halls of the royal quarters and past the Gallery of Kings, up through the vast hall towards the entrance and up the stairs towards the balustrades for some air.   
Winter was approaching fast and Fili didn’t stay outside for long as he did not wear a cloak. A few snowflakes drifted in the wind, and as he stared into the darkness of the cloudy night, a few landed on him in a flicker of white before turning into droplets of water.

In his mind, he saw darkness too; darkness illuminated by flickering firelight. In the silence around him, he heard the screeching of goblins. He felt the knives on his skin and the coarse rope binding him to rough wood. With a shudder, he forced his hands up and placed them onto the cold stone before him. The wind tugged at his hair, cooling his face and drying the sweat that had appeared on his forehead. 

He wished he could talk with Cylla about all this but he did not want to burden her with memoriesso bitter. There was nothing she could do, after all. 

With a sigh he pushed himself away from the wall and headed back inside, letting his feet carry him without taking care where he went. But when he neared the complex of the royal palace again he could hear footsteps. He stopped and listened, but at that moment, Ari rounded the corner. She almost jumped out of her skin when she saw him.

“My King,” she said, gingerly clutching her throat. “My apologies, I did not expect you here.”  
“I could say the same about you,” Fili gave back. “What are you doing here about at this hour?”  
“I could ask you the same thing.” Ari said with a false smile. “I just found myself unable to sleep.”  
Fili nodded slowly. “As did I.” He crossed his arms behind his back. “Despite my bed being decidedly warmer and more welcoming than yours, I gather.”

“I did not know my bed and its state were of concern to the King.” Ari crossed her arms.  
“They are not.” Fili cast her a look and looked straight ahead again, over the hallway and down at the little courtyard with the dragon fountain. “I was merely... thinking aloud.”  
“Well, in that case I gather I’ll best leave you to your thinking, my King, and be on my way.” Ari nodded courtly and left, but before she had taken three steps, Fili spoke again without looking at her.

“What is it that keeps you awake, Ari? Are you cuckolding my brother, or are you suffering from nightmares? Because if you ever give me the slightest inkling that you do not treat my brother with the respect he deserves it will have dire consequences. Be it nightmares, though, then you have my sympathies.”

Ari took a deep breath as if to say something, then shook her head. Fili turned his head to look at her, a questioning eyebrow raised. “I meant it. All of it.”  
“What do you know,” she whispered in a dead voice, her face pale. “What do you know of nightmares.” With that, she was gone, leaving Fili to stare at her back with narrowing eyes.

**x-x-x**

Thorin had gone for a walk after an evening meal filled with unpleasant, exhausting conversation which was not a beverage that went well with food. He intended to clear his head before bedtime, but at one point, he realised that someone was following him. He stopped, leaned onto a balustrade and waited. Sure enough, after a few moments he could hear soft steps approaching.

“Prince Thorin?”  
Thorin straightened up and met Ari’s eyes. “Princess Ari. Can I help you?”  
Ari nervously licked her lips and came a little closer. “I am not sure but... but I think you might.”  
Crossing his arms, Thorin nodded at her to go on.  
“I... I know I did not make a good impression upon my arrival. But I am sorry, I am honestly sorry, but I do not know what to do. I have tried to make up for my blunder, but both Prince and King only look coldly at me. I know that I cannot win my husband’s heart, nor can I give him mine. But no matter what I try, there is no forgiveness.”

Thorin slightly tilted his head. “Have you tried asking for it? Openly asking for forgiveness?”  
“Well I did.” Ari wrung her hands. “Publicly on the day I arrived.”  
“Forgive me if I am being blunt, but that did not sound very convincing.”

Ari lowered her eyes. “I know. And now it is too late. My Prince hates me, and the King threatens me.”  
“Threatens you?” Thorin narrowed his eyes. “What did he threaten you with?”  
“He did not say,” Ari replied without lifting her eyes. “But he told me if I did treat his brother wrong if I harm or hurt him, then he will have me answer for it.” She finally looked up, her eyes shining with tears. “As if I could! As if I, a mere woman, could do anything to harm the Dragonslayer!”

Thorin did not reply for a long moment. Nothing in her posture and words spoke of anything else but true anguish and sorrow. But somehow his instincts told him that there was more to all this than she said.   
But before he could reply, Ari took another step towards him and was suddenly closer to him than Thorin found comfortable. 

“I am afraid,” she whispered. “I am so afraid.”  
“Then maybe you should think about a change of attitude,” Thorin replied unimpressed. “You surely fail to show the Prince anything but dislike, even in public.”  
“But...” She bit her lip. “I don’t know what to do...” She lifted her hand and took hold of the collar of Thorin’s tunic and brushed his bearded cheek with her hand. 

It might have been absolutely unintentionally, but Thorin met her eyes again, searching for an answer. Her lips were slightly parted, her eyes full of pleading.   
For a moment, Thorin thought that Kili should have been blessed with a woman like her. Alabaster skin, slender limbs and graceful neck, the raven black hair shining like silk. Her lips soft and full, her eyes like new and polished silver.

“Please help me,” she whispered.

All of a sudden Thorin realised how close she was. He put his hands onto her shoulders and leaned forward. Ari closed her eyes and almost screamed in shock as Thorin pushed her roughly away.

“And do you think this is going to solve your problems with your husband and brother-in-law?” He said coldly. “To make a pass at the man who raised them? I know I should be flattered, but in the light of this, I can suddenly understand why Fili threatens you. If your intention was to find an ally or a dalliance, I can assure you that both have failed. Go about your way, and give me no more reason to doubt your fidelity. I will be on the King’s side in this.”

Ari stared at him out of eyes wide in terror.

“You might have thought you could use your looks to your advantage. And even if that has worked before, I can assure you that men of the line of Durin are not so easily deceived. Get out of my sight.”

Still pale and her cheeks wet with tears, Ari spun around and ran. Thorin watched her go with a shake of his head.


	8. Chapter 8

In the weeks that followed, Thorin kept a strict eye on Ari; but since he could not observe her all the time he had confided in his sister who also kept a watchful eye on her daughter-in-law whenever she could.

Dís guessed that Ari was aware of this, as every now and then, she would cast a hasty look at her, but Dís noticed also that whenever she felt herself unobserved the haughty look in her eyes weakened. She remembered that evening where she had happened upon her on the balustrades and had heard her fearful, desperate prayer to Mahal, but found it hard to feel sorry for Ari. Of course she had neither friends nor allies here, she was alone most of the time even when they all were in the queens hall’s with their ladies.

Cylla was the only one who willingly talked to her, but even for her sister Ari had only coldness when she answered. It was no wonder she had no one on her side, no friends whatsoever. Her attitude was unbearable. And yet, she was afraid. Dís knew that something about her was out of place, but for the life of her she couldn’t say what it was. If she was so afraid, why did she still treat everyone around her like this, making sure she would never have anyone to confide in?

That evening, she decided to confront her and asked her to stay when everybody else was leaving the hall. Ari stopped, her back straight and stiff, and waited for Dís to approach her after she had locked the door.

“My lady?”  
Dís looked her up and down. “I don’t think I have to remind you of the fact that I am your mother-in-law and that it is my son you are slighting with your attitude.”  
Her mouth a straight line, Ari did not reply.  
“But if he so chooses not to put you in your place it is his own decision. I will not meddle in his affairs that way.”  
“Then why are you telling me this?” Ari folded her hands.  
“I wasn’t finished yet.” Dís crossed her arms. “See, your coldness towards your husband is not my business. But showing affection for another man will be my business if I ever hear about it.” She looked into Ari’s silver eyes, and she could see a flicker of fear when she added in a cold voice: “Again.”

Ari’s hand flew up to her throat and her face turned from pale to white. But before she could think of a reply, Dís went on.  
“As of yet, I am the only one beside him that knows. But it need not stay this way. Is that understood?”  
She nodded, her eyes wide.   
“I understand why you would be desperate for someone on your side.” Dís shook her head. “But that is entirely the wrong way to go about it. You should have thought about making friends before you angered everyone around you with your haughtiness and your brazen way of speaking. And remember that everyone here in this mountain is very fond of the prince. Trying to seduce a man to get him to be yours will only lead to your downfall. This is the last warning you get.”

“I understand”, Ari whispered tonelessly. “I m sorry... I could not...”  
“I will not listen to your false apologies. And I do not believe you are as stupid as you are trying to make me believe you are.” Dís was hard pressed to keep her tone at least somewhat low. “You know exactly what is right and wrong. No one here bore you any ill will, Ari, after your first blunder at Kili’s appearance. But you kept on with it and now have everyone despise you. You brought this onto yourself, so try and act more decent in the future. At least make an effort. It will be hard on your pride, but I think it will do you good. And maybe people will start to forgive you.”

The look in Ari’s eyes turned cold as ice. “So you are demanding I give up the last thing that is left to me after I have been sold by my father like a brood mare, without ever even thinking of how I might feel about it? Giving me away as a token of friendship as if I were nothing but a shiny bauble to put on the mantelpiece?”  
“I am sure that your father only did what he thought was best.”  
“Best for him, sure.” Ari swallowed hard. “But no one ever even thought about what might be best for me. I spent my whole life knowing that I was just raised to be someone’s prize one day.”  
Dís narrowed her eyes. “Trust me, I know. I was born a princess and had it not been for Smaug the exact fate would have awaited me. And even when fate cannot be bettered no matter how hard we try, it is far too easy to make it worse. So stop relying on the fact that we will tolerate everything for the sake of the King’s personal happiness. We all had enough of this by now.”

Ari silently met Dís’s eyes, but Dís was of Durin’s blood and not easily stared down. So when Ari finally lowered her eyes in defeat, Dís spoke in a voice that was much gentler than before.  
“I know it is hard. But still...”  
“What do you know about how hard life can be?” Ari hissed.

Dís felt her temper rise again. “What do I know? You are honestly asking me that? My home was attacked by a fire-breathing dragon who killed more than half of my kin! I turned from princess to pauper in the snap of a finger and wandered the wilderness for years having to learn how to make do, how to make fire and mend and cook when all I have ever learned when growing up was embroidery and being some important dwarf’s wife! I have lived through winters where my children went hungry and I lost my father, my brother and my husband to orcs! And then I had to watch my sons and my last surviving sibling walk off on a quest to reclaim the home from the dragon, not knowing if I’d ever see them again and for more than a year not knowing if my sons were still alive! How dare you tell me I know nothing of hardship!” She felt herself tremble with rage. “And now get out of my sight before I change my mind and have you shorn and thrown out of the mountain as an adulteress!”

Ari took an unsteady step back, then spun around and ran out of the hall, unsuccessfully trying to suppress a sob. Dís watched her flee with her heart racing and her mind reeling with fury. And when the doors had closed behind Ari she crossed her arms and tried to calm herself again.   
“There is no way this can end well,” she said with a sigh.

**x-x-x**

To hear Ari putter around in her chambers even late in the night was nothing new for Kili. Most evenings, when he still sat at the hearth with a pipe he could hear her, wondering dimly why it was that she had a hard time sleeping too. This evening was no different, but he jumped when he could suddenly hear someone knock. He got up and opened the door to the hall, but there was no one there. It took him a while to realise that the knock had come from the door to Ari’s chambers.

He braced himself and sighed. “Come in.”

The door opened slowly and Ari entered the hearth chamber, eyes downcast and hair spilling freely down her shoulders. Kili felt his heart do a little jump; he could not help the pang of longing when he saw her beauty presented like this. 

“My prince,” she said hesitantly. “I was wondering...”  
Kili crossed his arms. “Yes?”  
Ari finally looked up. For once, her eyes were not cold and distant as starlight. But that did not convince him of her sincerity.

“I know that...” She nervously licked her lips. “I know I have not treated you well. But I wish... I wish to apologize in earnest and... I want to... I want to make up for it.” She let her dressing gown slide a little bit down her shoulders, revealing just enough alabaster white skin to show she was wearing no shift underneath.  
Kili felt his throat go a little dry, but he shook his head. “I don’t know what your intention is, Ari. But buying me with the offer of your body is not going to work.”

Ari swallowed and shook her head the tiniest bit. “But I want...”  
“No, Ari,” Kili interrupted her. “No, you do not want it. And that’s the point. You do not want me, and you do not want to lie with me. I have told you I would not touch you against your will again and I will not do so. He smiled wryly. “Even if my cock thinks differently about the matter than I do because you are truly beautiful.”  
“But I do... I really want to make up...”  
“No.” He shook his head. “You are willing to let me use you. No, Ari, I will not lie with you, but I could accept your willingness to breach the rift between us. I would... if I could trust you.”

Ari pulled her dressing gown up again and lowered her head. “But what can I do?”  
“Honestly?” Kili shook his head. “I don’t know. I have never felt so betrayed in my life than I did on the wedding night. If you had told me at any point I could have dealt with it, but thinking you could take me by my cock and lead me wherever you want was so painfully insulting and humiliating that I’m not sure if I can ever trust you again.”  
Her face froze into a pale mask.  
“Go,” Kili said in a low voice. “Go before something happens that we both will regret.”

Ari swallowed hard, her eyes turning cold, but then she turned around and fled. Kili stared at the door that had closed behind her, wondering if he had acted wisely or like the biggest fool in the world.

**x-x-x**

When Ari did not appear to breakfast the next morning Kili had to admit he felt a pang of unease and went to her chambers to check on her. Her serving ladies told him that she suffered from a bad headache and he thought that was as good an excuse as any not to have to face him after last night’s disaster.

He noticed that her servant came to fetch some food from the hall at noontime, and as he still did not see her for dinner he pondered if he should confront Ari again and tell her that he bore no grudge against her.  
Yet he decided against it and to wait for the morrow. If she still hid away in her chambers the next day he would talk to her.

When Ari missed breakfast again the next day Kili went to her chambers again and was told again about the headache. This time, however, he insisted on seeing her.

And seeing her was not what he had expected. She was lying on her bed, her hair a mess, still in a nightshirt, and she was curled up on her side pressing a cold, moist cloth against her forehead and eyes.

“Ari?” Her appearance was worrying him. “Should I get you a healer?”  
“I don’t know.” Her voice was scratchy. “It is only a headache.”

“That is not only a headache, my prince.” The servant was folding clothes and shook her head. “She’s been like this since yesterday morn. Can hardly open her eyes, says she. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. I think it’ll be a good idea to get a healer.”  
“Has anything happened?” Kili looked back and forth between Ari and the servant. “Did she fall?”  
“Nothing, my prince. She woke up yesterday and complained about the headache, and before noontime, she was like this, and stayed that way.”  
Kili nodded slowly. “I will be back shortly.”

He left and fetched a healer who arrived shortly after Kili did, with Oín the apothecary in tow, the latter carried two large boxes with handles. He placed these on the nearest table and opened them to unpack bottles, bowls and jars full of herbs while asking the servant for a kettle to boil water. The healer examined Ari, but even after a long list of questions she was at a loss.  
She examined Ari’s eyes again as Ari had complained about a fuzziness at the edge of her vision, but they seemed to be fine, too. 

“Maybe you just need some rest,” the healer finally said. “Oín will mix you a remedy that eases the pain and helps you sleep, and if the headache persists, call on me again day after tomorrow.”  
Ari nodded and returned the cloth to her eyes. 

Her face, Kili noticed, was an unhealthy shade of grey and her eyes were sunken and deeply shadowed. Whatever it was that ailed her, it was real and not the pretence of a lady playing sick to escape unpleasant duties. Since he could do nothing but be in the way he went back to his own chambers, leaving Oín and the healer to instruct the servant about the usage and dosage of the remedy.

Sitting down in his armchair at the hearth Kili lit himself a pipe and kept staring into the fire, lost in thought. He was still mulling over Ari’s offer and if he maybe should have taken her up on it, after all. It might even be remotely possible that his rejection was the cause of her sleeplessness and headaches, but he shoved that thought firmly aside. Even if it was, then there was nothing he could do about it. 

**x-x-x**

Dís approached Kili the next morning after breakfast.

“Kili, what is it I hear about your wife?”  
Kili shrugged. “I know hardly more than you do, mother. She’s suffering headaches of the most vicious sort that keep her abed.”  
His mother frowned. “And what kind of charade is it this time?”  
“I don’t think it is a charade.” Kili shook his head. “I’ve seen her, mother. She looked like death. No one can feign that unhealthy a colour and so deeply shadowed eyes. Whatever it is, the headaches are real.”

Dís shook her head. “She brought it on herself that everyone thinks she’s pretending, I gather. The ladies in my halls certainly think she does. Cylla will be over there soon, she said, to check on her sister.”  
“She will tell you nothing else than I could,” Kili replied. “The healer recommended rest and has given her a remedy for the pain.”

Dís was just about to reply when a servant came hurrying towards them.

“My prince?”  
Kili turned around.  
“Lady Cylla sent me to inform you that your wife’s state has worsened and is asking you to attend her.”

With a frown, Kili made his way back to his chambers, followed by his mother. Upon arriving they found the healer already there; Cylla was standing in a corner drenched in tears and Ari was lying on the bed writhing in pain. The healer tried to get her to relax but she just kept on rolling herself into a ball with hoarse, high-pitched whines of agony.

When the healer noticed them, she looked up with a shake of her head. “I have never seen this before,” she said. “She complains about the headaches affecting her eyesight, and the worse the headaches get, the more her vision fades. I fear the worst, my prince.”  
Kili crossed his arms. “What is the worst?”  
The healer shrugged. “If she had fallen or hit her head, then I’d say she has a blood collectinginside her skull, and we could attempt a trepanation to drain it. But since that is not the case, I fear it might be a tumour, and there is nothing we can do about that.”

He exchanged a silent look with his mother. Dís shook her head, her mouth a thin line. 

“Is there a way to find out?” Kili asked the healer.  
“Short of opening her skull and looking inside, no.”  
“And you cannot help her?” His frown deepened, for as much as he disliked her, seeing her in such pain caused him discomfort.  
“I wish I could.” She looked down at Ari in sorrow. “I have tried to give her a more potent medicament, but she cannot keep it down.”  
“I see.” 

A strange heaviness settled in Kili’s heart. Behind him, he could hear Cylla sob again and beside him, his mother had grown still, her face set tight. The only sound in the room was Ari’s pitiful whimper. 

“I will stay with her.” Cylla’s hoarse voice broke the silence. “Give me whatever medicine you meant to give her and I will see if I can give it to her. Drop by drop if I have to.”  
The healer nodded and got up from the bed to make room for Cylla who immediately took her place. She bedded her sister’s head into her lap and picked up the bottle of medicine and the spoon. 

As the healer packed up and left, Kili and his mother watched Cylla gently and patiently dribble the medicine between her sister’s lips, droplet for droplet. She rubbed Ari’s temples and wiped the moist strands of hair out of her face, and in a low voice kept telling her it would be all right.

Kili slowly stepped to her side and placed a hand on Cylla’s shoulder. “I leave this to you; I think you are the best carer she could wish for. I’ll be next door, if you need anything just call.”  
Cylla nodded. “Thank you. And if you would be so kind as to inform my husband?”  
“I will do that,” Dís fell in. “For now, take care of your sister, and we take care of the rest.”

The remainder of the day passed without any sign of betterment, apart from the fact that at one point Cylla had managed to get enough medicine into her sister to ease her pain. She stayed with Ari through the night, sleeping in her bed at her side when Ari finally had been able to escape her torture and fall asleep.

When the next morning came, however, things had changed drastically. Cylla had awoken Kili and they both were in Ari’s bedroom, exchanging worried looks. The headaches had all but vanished, but Ari sat in her bed, looking around in utter disorientation.

“Where am I?”  
Cylla smoothed Ari’s hair back.“In your room, dearest. In your bed.”  
Her eyes wide, she looked around, but there was something out of place with those eyes. They were strangely inanimate.  
“Cylla?”  
“I am here.” Cylla took her sister’s hand in hers. “What is wrong?”  
“Why is it so dark?” Ari shook her head. “I can’t see you... Why don’t you light some candles?”

Cylla very slowly looked up at Kili who returned her gaze, a dark misgiving growing in him.  
On the nightstand was a candlestick, and two candelabras lit the room, one on the table and one on the shelf beside the door. Seven candles were burning right around her bed.

“Ari?” Cylla’s voice trembled. “Ari, look at me.”  
Ari’s eyes swivelled aimlessly back and forth. “Where are you? Stop playing games!” Her voice took on an undertone of panic. “Light the candles, please, Cylla...”  
Cylla could hardly suppress a sob. “But Ari... the candles are lit.”

Ari froze, her eyes widening even more. “No.” Her voice was a dead, toneless whisper. “No, it’s not true...”  
Cylla slung both her arms around her sister and caught her as Ari collapsed. She held her tight and rocked her gently back and forth but Ari freed herself out of the embrace after a few moments. She stared ahead, eyes empty and dull, but her face betrayed nothing of what was going on inside her.

Cylla, her eyes full of tears, looked up at Kili who could only shake his head in helpless defeat. Even the healer he summoned again could offer no comfort.

Ari had completely lost her eyesight.


	9. Chapter 9

Ari hid herself in her chambers for several days, and the only one she allowed inside was her serving lady who brought her food and occasionally, her sister. It was Cylla who finally could convince her, after two weeks had passed, that she could not hide in her bedroom forever.

But when Ari appeared for breakfast in the hall the next morning, she was a sorry sight indeed. Her serving lady, who had been one of her chaperones and had stayed with her after she had married, led her by the hand like an invalid child and seated her next to herself to feed her. She wore a blindfold to protect her eyes from possible damage by sparks or other small things she could no longer see and react to, and from too much light. Her hair was far from being the elaborate arrangement of braids; it was a brushed back and held in a simple ponytail by a silver clasp.   
And of course, there was a lot of whispering going on as she entered.

It had not taken long, of course, for the news to spread like a flash fire through the halls of Erebor, that the princess had lost her eyesight for no apparent reason.   
And a lot of these whispered words of gossip had been accompanied by the firm conviction that she had deserved it for being so impossibly haughty and behaving so badly towards everyone else.

Kili could not fail to notice these rumours and feelings, too, but while he could understand the notion that she might have deserved it, he failed to see why one should be celebrating the fact. When he left the hall after breakfast that morning, he overheard a pair of maidservants gossiping heatedly and stopped before he rounded the corner.

“Did you see her hair?”  
“Of course I did. No more fancy hairstyles, eh? She can’t use a mirror anymore!”  
The first one giggled. “And she who always was so bumptious about everything. The dress, the jewellery, the hairstyle...”  
“And no more venomous comments, either,” the second woman added, sounding very satisfied. “Really, you’d think the Prince would have taught her some manners by now, but I guess Mahal has taken care of that for him now.”  
“Oh yes.” The first servant chuckled. “And let us see how she treats her servants now that’s she’s so dependent on them. I swear without Bradda she couldn’t even eat.”  
“Or she’d eat like a pig, spilling food all over her fancy dresses.”

They both chuckled, and Kili felt a knot of anger appear in his stomach. He could well understand their satisfaction, but the way they talked about Ari still made him inexplicably angry. She was a princess, after all. And she was his wife, and he had given her an oath. He had no intention to break his word; those of Durin’s blood would not be forsworn.

“The poor Prince,” One of the girls now said. “First he has this viper of a woman thrown at him, and now she’s an invalid, as well. Would that he could cast her aside and find a more caring and befitting wife for him. Although... I don’t think it’s going to be easy.”  
“Yes,” the other gave back mournfully. “With the way he looks. He’s friendly enough, but that one-eyed stare scares me somewhat.”  
“Maybe she learns her manners now, a lesson of humility will be good for her. And now she won’t have to look at those scars anymore.”

Kili took a deep breath and rounded the corner. Both servants gave him a deep bow and hurried back to their work, and even if Kili hadn’t said a word, they seemed flustered, as if they were pondering if he had eavesdropped on them. With a shake of his head, Kili headed for the throne hall to attend his brother for the day. 

His thoughts stayed with Ari, however. Yes, he fully agreed that a lesson in humility would do her good, but to be punished with blindness was a hard fate indeed. And while the way she was treated now was a really necessary lesson in humility, it was also demeaning and humiliating in a way that rubbed him wrong. Maybe it was because she had approached him and tried to make up; maybe she had been true about it. He had no way of knowing that, of course. 

But what he did know was that Ari had doubtlessly hit rock bottom, and that he had not been raised by his mother and Thorin to become a man to kick someone in the face who was already on the ground.

**x-x-x**

Ari’s humiliation was not confined to mealtimes in the great hall, of course. Her days in the queen’s halls, where the woman gathered for their work, were hard on her, as well. Since she could do no more needlework she was confined to spinning, a task she was skilled at and had never given any thought; but attempting it with no sight was a challenge greater than she had feared. 

Dís watched the other ladies with a frown as they complained about the poor quality of yarn Ari produced, and when Ari was finally close to tears and Cylla was about to get up and intervene, she stepped in herself. Not that she had great pity with her, but enough was enough, and she said so.

“That is quite enough, ladies. I suggest each one of you put on a blindfold and try to spin a few yards of yarn yourselves before complaining of another’s feats in something she has never tried before.”

She was rewarded with a few dark and sour glances, but it silenced the nagging, and when Dís then looked at Ari again, noticing her mouth had turned into a thin line, she sighed inwardly. Ari had fallen deep, and landed hard. And while she could understand her ladies’ feelings, they could at least wait until she got up again and see if she had learned from it; and if not, then they had a right to mock her. But now? Now it was kicking a defeated adversary. A vile sort of satisfaction.

“You just go ahead Ari, there will be a use for the yarn you make...”  
“Maybe they can use it in the kitchen to string up their hams,” Torni fell in, an elderly widow whose husband had served Thror as Captain of the guards and thus was entitled to a rank high enough to be a part of the queen’s court.  
“I said, enough.” 

Dís glared at her, but before she could say more, Cylla got up. And while she was generally kind and gracious, her eyes were alight with anger now.

“I see I have the need to remind you that she is my sister!” Cylla drew herself up, radiating stern authority, and Dís suppressed an appreciating smile. “Keep your personal feelings for her where they belong and treat her according to her rank!”

The words of the queen finally silenced the nattering hags, as Dís noticed with a hardly perceptible nod. The punishment was well deserved, she agreed to that, but now everyone had to give her at least a chance to better herself, and that would not happen if they kept on pouring hate onto her; it would only turn her even more bitter and spiteful. It also might drive her into insanity, even to an extent where she might do herself harm.   
No, Ari would get a chance at redemption. Dís was of Durin’s blood, and she would not stoop so low as to exert petty revenge on someone who could not defend herself.

**x-x-x**

Ari did not leave her chamber again for several days after her first appearance in the hall for breakfast, and again it was Cylla who begged her to come out again.   
So Ari appeared for the evening meal that day, and Cylla seemed to have had a talk with her serving lady Bradda as she was not quite as carelessly dressed and coifed. Bradda still fed her, however, and as Kili watched the two of them, he felt a pair of eyes on himself. He looked up to find his mother watching him with her eyebrows raised questioningly. He met her eyes, cast a quick look at Ari and looked back again to see Dís nod. 

No, the shame and humiliation had to end somehow. By Mahal, Kili thought, he was the first to admit that she had driven him mad with her attitude, but now he had reached the point where he had to intervene. She was a princess; she had married into the line of Durin and was the sister of the queen. And that was no way a princess of that rank should be treated, no matter the circumstances. He had seen his feelings mirrored in his mother’s eyes, and he knew that he had to do this, as a duty to Durin’s line and not because he might feel a pit of pity for her.

After supper he arranged for his morning meal to be brought to his quarters, and as he went to bed, he wondered if Ari would agree to what he proposed. He could well understand should she refuse.

He was up early again the next morning and knocked at the door to her chambers. Bradda let him in and he found her in her drawing room, wearing a dark grey dress with blue accents that suited her extremely well. Her hair was not set up, however, and he could see the shift peek out from under the neckline. Her blindfold was beginning to look a little stained.

“My Princess,” he began. “I would like you to attend me for the morning meal.”  
Ari took a deep breath. “I am honoured, my prince, but I prefer to eat where I cannot feel a hundred gloating stares resting on me.”  
“I understand,” Kili gave back. “I am having breakfast in my quarters this morning.”

Ari froze, and her head tilted nervously this way and that. “If my Prince insists...” she finally said.  
“I insist.” He took her by the arm and helped her up, then led her through the door into the hearth chamber and towards the small table. 

“Sit down,” He said and helped her settle on the chair.   
“Thank you.” Ari had her head lowered and her shoulders drooped.

“Now, Ari, I want you to listen to me,” Kili said, keeping his voice low. “I am not doing this to gloat, or to rub salt into your wounds. I want to help you.”  
Her head flew up, and if she could have done so, she would have stared at him in disbelief. “Why?”  
“Why?” Kili shook his head although she could not see this, of course. “You are my wife, and your wellbeing is my responsibility. I gave you my word and I have no intention to break it. Besides, a princess of Durin’s line, even if it is by marriage and not by blood, shall not be exposed to that kind of humiliation.”

Ari nervously rolled a fold of her dress between her fingers. “But... I thank you, but... but what could you do?”  
“Well, I have to admit I had to put some thought into this, but I think it is worth a try. I hate to watch you being fed like an invalid child.”

Ari froze and pressed her lips together. Kili sighed.

“Ari, please tell me. Did you mean it when you came to me and asked my forgiveness?”  
“I did,” Ari replied, her voice toneless.  
“But not because you care for me.”  
This time, she shook her head.  
“Then why?”  
Her fingers viciously attacked the fold of cloth between them. “I can’t... I felt... I knew I had lost everything, and everyone. I felt... lost and abandoned. I was losing the ground under my feet...”  
“And exactly that has happened now.”  
She mutely nodded.

Kili was silent for a while, his thoughts heavy and unpleasant. When he finally took a deep breath and looked at her again, he saw that she looked like hewn from stone.

“Let me assure you, I meant it when I said you are my responsibility. I have no intention to see you humiliated like this and I have every intention to remedy it. But instead of being dependent on your servant, you will have to be dependent on me. Can you do that?”  
Ari swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Then she nodded.  
“Good.” Kili leant back in his chair. “I have an idea, and we shall try it if it works.”

She sat up and forced herself to put her hands onto the table. 

“Right,” Kili said and let his eyes rest on the plates set before them. “There’s a plate before you.”  
Ari cautiously reached out to find the plate and trailed a finger around the rim. Then she nodded hesitatingly.   
“Now think of the four cardinal points,” Kili went on. “North is where I sit. South is where you sit. West to your left, and east to your right.”  
She nodded again.   
“Then try to find the bread. It’s north to north-west. East to south-east is the cheese.”

Ari stiffened, cocked her head, and then reached out again, cautiously and hesitatingly, until her fingers found the piece of bread. She picked it up, and then a piece of cheese.

Kili had to smile. “South to west are slices of sausage. West to north a few pieces of apple. A cup of milk is standing close to your plate at north-east.”

Ari’s cautious fingers found every item he pointed out to her, but with shivering hands, she put the food down again. Her shoulders trembled and she pressed her lips together tightly while grinding her teeth. Kili looked down at his plate and waited until she had found her composure again.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you, my prince.”  
“It’s nothing,” Kili muttered. “Just a little trick.”  
“It’s a trick that will help me keep my sanity.” Ari took a deep breath through her nose. “I cannot understand why you would treat me so decently after all that...” She broke off and shook her head. “I’m just a pretty princess. I’m not worth all this hassle and your time.”  
“Nonsense!” Kili dropped his bread. “You are my wife! Isn’t it enough that everyone else is demeaning you? Do you really have to do so yourself?”

Ari clutched her hands and lowered her head.

“Let us eat.” Kili picked up the bread again. “Otherwise I’ll be mocked as well for not properly feeding you.”  
“But you are not feeding me.”  
“I wasn’t speaking literally.” Kili felt a small grin spread on his face. “And you’re too thin as it is.”  
Ari picked up a piece of apple. “Thank you,” she whispered again.  
“Stop thanking me and eat.”  
A tiny smile ghosted over her lips before she bit into the slice of apple.

After they had eaten Kili asked for permission to sort her wardrobe, and after adjusting the neckline and a few folds she looked decidedly better. Then he fetched his comb and asked her if he should take care of her hair.

“My hair?” Ari shook her head. “Why by Mahal’s beard would you know anything about a woman’s hair?”  
Kili chuckled under his breath. “True, I do only know my own hair. But I used to braid myself of my priding.”  
Ari snorted and quickly covered her mouth with one hand.   
Kili frowned. “Did I just say...?” He snorted as well. “I was trying to say that I bride my... oh Durin’s Balls!” He broke out laughing, and Ari gave up trying to stifle her laugh.

After calming down, Kili tried again. “I used to pride myself of my braiding,” he said slowly and pointedly. “There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?”  
Ari shook her head and still tried to bite back her grin.

Kili was still chuckling when he undid the clasp in her hair. He combed it thoroughly and finally realised that while he had wondered for a long time what that hair would feel like, he finally knew. Lost in his musings he sifted his fingers through it, realising only then what he was doing as Ari shivered.

He cleared his throat. “Now I know I can’t do these elaborate styles you ladies prefer. I can’t actually braid at all anymore, but if you to the braiding, I can try and...”  
“Why don’t you just clasp it back?” Ari shrugged. “It’s not as if...”  
“I won’t have you looking like a serving girl from the kitchens. Besides, I found a few nice beads for you.”  
“But I...”  
“I know. I just clasp half of it and then...” 

He combed the upper part of her hair back and clasped it at the back of her head so it was held back from her face but spilling freely down her shoulders. Next he parted two equal strands in front of each ear and asked Ari to braid these. He finished with clasping the beads into the braids and stood back. 

Ari reached out to feel what he had done. “It’s wonderful,” she whispered. “I can’t thank you enough.”  
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Kili muttered, trying not to look at the graceful curve of her neck.  
“It is everything to me,” Ari said tonelessly and lowered her head again. “I don’t deserve this.”  
“Nonsense!”  
“A lot of people certainly think so.”  
“Yes, and a lot of people think one should eat porridge for breakfast. And here I still eat bread. It’s not for them to decide.”

Ari frowned and nervously folded her hands. 

“Look.” Kili ran his hand through his hair and stared at his left arm. “A lot of people think you deserve this. And these same people are still not satisfied. And while I honestly agreed with them at first, by now I think that...” He groped for words. “See, what I learned from my mother is that... once the punishment was executed, or the harangue was over, things were back to normal again.”

He began to pace back and forth, messing up his hair with his right hand. “I mean... I know we can’t go back to normal... what is normal, after all... but when you look at it like this then... that if you see this as punishment, then it’s wrong to rub it in like they do. They can think it all they want, but it’s simply unfair to keep rubbing it in your face. Durin’s balls...” He stopped his pacing and shook his head. “I did agree with them at first, and all that... but by now I feel sorry for you, but even if I didn’t I would still be doing all this because you’re a princess and my wife...” He broke off and gulped for air. “And I’m taking my responsibilities seriously. At least I like to think of me that way.”

Ari folded her hands, clutching them so hard her knuckles whitened. “I still think I do not deserve any form of...”  
“Stop it, please. I am not talking about deserving or undeserving. I’m talking about doing the right thing. I will not dishonour myself and the blood of Durin by... by kicking someone who is already on the ground.”

There was a long silence that stretched uncomfortably and grew in heaviness. Kili finally stepped to his wife’s side and swallowed hard. “Ari, I know this is hard for you. But believe me when I tell you that I am not gloating. I want to help you...”  
“Because of your honour and that of your bloodline.” Ari did not look up.   
“Yes... and trust me, I... I don’t need any of this. Our prior arrangement suited me fine. But now we have to... provide for different circumstances. I could ignore them and go on, but that’s not what I swore, Ari. I swore to provide for you and protect you. You didn’t need the one or the other. But now you do.”

He looked down at her, and after some hesitation, slowly placed his hand onto her shoulder. She flinched, but didn’t move away.   
“We made our vows together, even if we didn’t really want it,” He said, far more gently than he had planned. “So now we are stuck with each other, and we have to make the best of it.”

Ari slowly lifted her head as if trying to look at his face. She moved hesitatingly and stiffly, and equally hesitatingly, she placed one hand atop his that rested on her shoulder.  
“I’m sorry...” she whispered, her voice cracked and full of pain and shame.

Kili silently closed his fingers around hers.


	10. Chapter 10

When Kili and Ari entered the hall together that night for the evening meal they received quite a few stares and could hear a lot of whispering going on. As of yet, they had never entered the hall together, and to see them now with Ari’s hand resting on Kili’s arm, was more than some people’s sense of tact could handle.

Kili could pick out words like _ensorcelled, deceived_ and _seduced_ and was sure that Ari, her sense of hearing sharpened by her blindness, could hear even more. He met the stares unabashed and pretended not to hear anything as he headed for his place and the chair beside it; helping Ari sit before sitting down himself. He cast a quick glance at his mother and received a small nod that he returned before facing the people in the hall again. Beside him, his brother lifted his eyebrows questioningly, but Kili only gestured at him under the table that he would answer Fili’s question at a more befitting place and time. 

Then the food arrived and most conversations ground to a halt as plates and servings were handed out and drinks refilled. Everyone had their eyes on the prince and his wife, more or less inconspicuously, and everyone wondered what kind of a spectacle they would get watching the disabled princess eat or if the prince would feed her like her serving lady used to do.

Everyone saw the prince lean over and whisper a few words into his wife’s ear, but no one knew the trick about the cardinal points and thus, was none the wiser and properly astonished when the princess managed to eat neatly and quite by herself.

People kept ogling at the princess, but since they obviously had been robbed of their expected spectacle, things slowly returned to normal. Kili met his mother’s and uncle’s eyes with a small, yet satisfied smile. 

The rest of the meal continued undisturbed and after leaving the hall Ari asked Kili to take her to her quarters as she felt the need to retire early. Kili complied; they usually met in Fili’s quarters after their evening meal for some time together, just the family, but he was sure that Ari was not yet back in grace and not really welcome. And if he was honest, he himself wasn’t fully comfortable with her being there either.

So on his way to the king’s personal chambers he braced himself for a thunderstorm of questions and thus was not prepared for a queen launching herself at him for an embrace as soon as he opened the door.

Before she let him go Cylla kissed his cheeks and then stepped back, wiping her eyes. “I am forever in your debt, I can never even...”  
“Here now...” Kili grinned a little nervously. “I am not sure this was entirely appropriate.”  
“But you have... you have given my sister so much, and I just... I was so happy for her...”

“And now we are all bursting with curiosity,” Fili said with a smile. “So sit down and join us and tell us how you accomplished that miracle.”

Kili sat down in one of the vacant armchairs close to the hearth, nodded at his mother and Thorin in greeting and produced his pipe. Fili and Cylla joined them there and when the smoke of the three pipes began to curl upwards, Kili leaned back and crossed his legs.

“So now, pray, tell.” Dís tilted her head. “That was a considerable change there.”  
Kili shrugged. “I guess figuring out how to accomplish feats other people need not even think about has become second nature to me.” He looked at his left arm. “It just came to me.”  
“What did?”  
Kili brought the pipe to his lips and after exhaling a cloud, he watched it disperse at the ceiling. “I started with adjusting her wardrobe, and I have to say a word to her serving lady about that. Just because she can’t see a shift peeking out under the necklace doesn’t mean it’s all right to leave it there. It’s a disgrace.”  
“I would have done the same,” Dís replied after a moment. “She was being far too careless for my tastes.”

Thorin nodded at Kili to go on. “And then I wanted to help her with her hair, it’s the same situation as the wardrobe, it’s just a disgrace having her run around like a servant fresh from kitchen duty.”  
“Since when do you do a woman’s hair?” Fili’s amusement was unmasked.  
“Not that I did much,” Kili gave back and lifted his left arm a bit. “It’s not as if I could do much in terms of braiding. But I can just about manage to put it properly into a clasp. Ari did the braiding herself.”

Thorin exhaled a small smoke ring. “And how did you manage to go about the food?”  
Kili smiled around the stem of his pipe before exhaling. “Cardinal points.”  
“What?” Fili exchanged a befuddled glance with his mother, wife and uncle. 

“Cardinal points,” Kili repeated and drew an imaginary circle with his pipe into the air before him. “North, east, south, west. It comes down to a simple means of telling her what’s on her plate and where to find it without groping around in her food like a toddler.”  
“Which is why her servant has been feeding her,” Cylla said slowly.  
“Which is why I came up with this,” Kili gave back. “It’s a disgrace, too. So I just tell her the bread is north, the cheese to the east, meat slices south and so on. As simple as that.”  
Fili leaned back and laughed. “Brother, you’re a genius.”  
Kili grinned and tried to blow a smoke ring, failing utterly.

“Tell me, Kili.” Dís leaned a little forward, her expression earnest. “How did Ari react to all this?”  
Kili frowned and looked down for a moment. “Well... I don’t know what she’s thinking, but she certainly acts as if she is grateful about the little bit of dignity I could give her back.”  
“Acts?” Cylla frowned too. “You think she is still acting?”  
“No.” Kili met her eyes. “But I am still not sure I can trust her.”  
Cylla opened her mouth to reply, but then changed her mind and shut it again.

“Please, Cylla.” Kili shrugged. “I mean no offence, neither to your sister nor you. But she’s given me a really hard time, and I am still not doing this for her but for the sake of my family’s reputation and my bloodline. A princess of Durin’s line, even by marriage alone, is not to be humiliated.”  
Cylla accepted this, even though she was visibly not happy about it.  
“And yes, she has apologized. But I still don’t know if she understands what she has done to me.” Kili busied himself with his pipe again. He had no intention of even letting his family know about the wedding night.

“But if she doesn’t yet, she will.” Cylla seemed convinced of her words. “Her blindness was not her fault, just as your scars are no fault of yours. And she is being mocked and humiliated about it despite being a princess.”  
“If she wasn’t, it’d surely be much worse,” Fili interjected.  
“I suppose you are right.” Kili frowned thoughtfully. “But even if that’s the case I still need time to get accustomed to all this.”  
“Of course you do,” Cylla replied gently. 

Their talk then turned to other, more trivial matters, for the rest of their time together. Kili had a last request for his mother before they all parted for the night. 

When Kili was about to enter his chambers he saw Bradda, Ari’s serving woman, leave her quarters through the door of Ari’s drawing room. 

“Bradda. A word.”  
“My prince?” Bradda bowed.  
“I don’t know how things stood in Ered Gethrin, but even if you do not have princes there, or princesses, I am sure it is not a husband’s responsibility to make his wife look presentable, especially if she has a serving lady employed to do exactly that.”  
Bradda paled a little and then squared her shoulders. “With all respect my prince...”  
“See, that is the problem of most people,” Kili interrupted her. “Respect, or rather the lack thereof. Bear your grudges all you want, but she is a princess and the wife of the man second in rank only to the king himself. You’d do well to remember that.”

With her face even paler now, Bradda bowed again and made a rather hasty and undignified retreat. Kili entered his chambers and allowed himself a moment of satisfaction at Bradda’s facial expression. Like most people, she seemed to have forgotten who exactly it was she was exacting her revenge upon.

**x-x-x**

The little moment of warmth between them had no lasting effect and the next time Kili collected Ari to take her to breakfast she was cool and reserved again, but far from being as cold and unpleasant as before she had been struck with blindness. Her attire left nothing to be desired either, so Bradda had obviously taken his warning to heart. 

After the morning meal Kili escorted his wife to the queen’s halls which he was no longer allowed to enter; his mother and the other ladies were working on something for the King’s third coronation anniversary and no one was to know about it. 

He then clad himself in his dragon armour and headed for the throne hall, preparing himself for another tedious day in dealing with the envoys from the Woodland Realm.  
When the day was finally drawing to a close and Kili could leave the presence of these obnoxious creatures with their complicated way of speaking and ill mannered demands, he felt a headache behind his left eye that did not improve his foul mood. 

It cost him some effort to keep himself calm when he fetched Ari at the woman’s hall for supper, but his mother had been able to finish what he had asked her for the night before so at least one positive event was granted to him that day. 

In an empty hallway he halted and turned to Ari and lifted her hands. He placed a long and broad ribbon of black silk between her fingers.  
“What is this?” She ran her thumbs over the fabric, tracing lines of fine embroidery, black on black and hardly visible.  
“Black silk,” Kili replied. “I asked my mother if she could make something to replace that ungainly bandage with something more elegant.”

Ari froze, and the black silk slid out of her fingers. Kili deftly caught it and placed it into her hand again. 

“Thank you, my prince,” Ari said after a while. “I am... I am honoured.”  
“Put it on.” Kili wished he could have helped her, but while he could untie the knot of the old bandage he was unable to tie a knot with one hand only.  
“Now?” Ari blinked a few times as her eyes were exposed to the cool air around them.  
“Of course now,” Kili snapped at her only to draw his hand down his face an instant later. “My apologies,” he muttered. “I had a tremendously tedious day.”  
“Certainly,” Ari said in a whisper. “You do sound tired.” With that she tied the silk ribbon around her eyes. A tiny smile appeared on her face and disappeared as fast as it had come. “It feels very pleasant.”  
“Looks better, too.” Kili took her arm again. “Let’s go.”

After draining half of his first tankard of ale in one go, Kili began to feel better, but the memories of their elfish guests still needled him. He tried to forget about them as their food arrived, and at one point after their meal, Fili leaned towards him and made a foul remark about the Woodland Elves that made Kili almost choke on his ale, and he and his brother continued to relieve their mood with dirty jokes and snide remarks. 

At one point Kili noticed that Ari quietly addressed a serving maid who then took her arm and guided her outside. It did not surprise him that she would rather not have him escort her to the lavatory too so he ordered himself another ale and did not think further about it.  
It was quite some time later when he realised that she had been gone for quite some time now. Dimly wondering if anyone could get lost using the privy he took a sip of ale, but then he realised that one could well get lost on the way there or back. He put his tankard down and left the hall.

The hallway outside was cool and silent, and after a few deep breaths of the much fresher air Kili made his way to the lavatories. He didn’t need to go far before he found her, and his heart jumped when he did. She was alone, and helplessly stumbling towards the flight of stairs leading down towards the fountain. 

“Ari! Stop!” He hurried towards her as Ari froze on the spot. “There are stairs! Don’t go further!”

Upon reaching her he saw that she was crying, and she was trembling like a leaf in the wind. 

“Ari, what on earth are you doing here?”  
“I... I was trying to find my way back...” she whispered. “When I... I asked one of the maids to show me to the lavatory, but she left before I came back...”  
“She left you alone?” Kili felt all his anger from the day return in full force. “She left you just like that? Without a word?”  
Ari nodded silently.  
“That does it.” Kili felt his anger begin to boil. “Let’s get you back inside.”

He took her arm and led her back in, and just as Fili was about to say something to his wife he noticed Kili’s facial expression. His smile vanished, and he exchanged a worried look with Cylla, then with his mother and Thorin. But before any of them could even make a guess as to what had occurred outside the hall, Kili had helped Ari sit again and, remaining standing himself, let his furious, one-eyed stare roam across the hall. 

Those who noticed his look fell silent, and those who noticed that, realised why and did the same. Within moments, a hushed and nervous silence had settled in the hall and everyone was looking at the prince.  
Fili was suddenly deeply worried and completely puzzled at the same time. His brother had never addressed a crowd on his own accord, and had avoided public speeches ever since the reclaiming of Erebor as much as he could. And now he suddenly stood up and spoke his mind, and he was absolutely furious. 

“I want everyone to listen now, because I won’t be saying any of this again.” Kili crossed his arms and took a few deep breaths through his nose. It did little to calm him. 

“I was never going to delve publicly into the issue of my marriage, but circumstances force me to do so. You all know it was an arranged match, like countless others before through the years gone by. That there is no love between me and my wife is not surprising and it is no one’s business but our own!” He paused and gritted his teeth for a second. 

“You may think what you like. You can dislike her all you want. But keep your feelings inside your head and say whatever you feel you need to say when I cannot hear it! I can assure you that the dragon blood did not damage my hearing and I am sick and tired of hearing all that talk! Remember who it is you talk about like that in public! She is a princess! A princess who married into the line of Durin! Wife of the man who is second in rank only to the king himself! And because your manners and upbringing do not allow for that kind of consideration I remind you of the fact that talking about her the way all of you do would have been considered high treason during the reign of Thror, last King under the Mountain! I do not care if you like my wife or not, but from now on you will treat her like the princess she is!!”

His chest heaving, he let his eyes roam again, staring each and everyone down whom his eyes happened to encounter. Beside him, Ari had her head lowered and her hands folded, her shoulders were hunched and she looked like she wished for the ground to swallow her. 

“I have made an oath on my wedding day to provide for her and to protect her, and I have no intention to break my word,” Kili went on, his voice still sharp with fury like a new blade. “I will not let myself or anyone else dishonour Durin’s line and Durin’s blood that way. I was brought up as a prince of Durin, even in exile, even without a kingdom. And that included that I do not kick someone who is already on the ground.” He ran a hand through his hair, leaving it in complete disarray, and the wild and tousled hair somehow made him look even more dangerous.

“Did your mothers not teach you the same? That it is dishonourable to kick a fallen foe? Believe me, I know how high she has fallen, but I also know how hard she has hit the ground! But if any of you now believe that she is being punished sufficiently or not, does that give any of you the right to add more insult to injury? Is that what your mothers have taught you when you grew up? That if it concerns someone you dislike, honour is no longer required? Are you aware that you are all acting like malicious and cruel children who keep on harrying the one who is already crying? That you should keep on aggrieving someone who can no longer defend themselves?”

The silence was almost so heavy that you could have cut through it with a knife. 

“And if you cannot or will not treat her properly because of what is right, then treat her properly because of her rank! And I warn you not to forget ever again that she is married to the Dragonslayer and sister to the queen of King Fili, Durin’s Lion and reincarnation of Durin the Deathless himself! Because I will no longer tolerate my wife being treated as a serving wench who has fallen from grace!!”

He hammered his fist onto the table with his last word for emphasis, and at that moment something strange and terrifying happened. In that split second, as Kili’s fury had reached its peak and he had brought his fist down so hard the plates and cups trembled, a golden glow had flashed up in both of his eyes, the blind, empty one and the whole one.  
Kili of course was unaware of this, but everyone around, including his brother, were gripped by a sudden fear of this man. 

Satisfied that he had made his point Kili dropped back into his chair and took a large swallow of his ale. No one dared even mention what they had seen, not even his own brother, at least not before they were in the privacy of the king’s quarters that night. 

Kili’s face went pale when his mother told him of what they had seen.

“I didn’t feel anything,” Kili muttered and looked helplessly around.  
Thorin folded his hands. “It lasted only for the blink of an eye. But from now on, no one will dare defy you again. You reminded them quite efficiently of why they should not cross any of Durin’s line.”

Deep in thought Kili stared at his left arm. “Do you think the dragon blood will turn me into a dragon at one point?”  
“I don’t think so,” Thorin gave back, his voice calm as his eyes. “If that was to be the case, it would have happened long since.”  
“Are you sure?” Kili met his eyes again. “What if I will be more and more of a dragon every time I get angry?”

“You were far from angry today,” Dís fell in. “You were absolutely furious. That doesn’t happen very often for you.”  
Kili didn’t seem convinced.  
“Look, my boy.” Thorin leaned forward and touched his face. “The blood of Smaug has marked you and I am sure that somehow, a little of it found its way between your lips. I think what we saw today was just another mark the dragon has left on you, and I am not ashamed to say that I want to be far away from you should you ever go berserk in a battle.”

“Will I turn into a dragon then?” Kili suddenly sounded far younger and far more insecure than only moments before.  
“I doubt it.” Thorin leaned back. “But I imagine you could have the strength and fury of a dragon.”  
“Certainly the fury.”  
Thorin shook his head. “And why can’t you be glad that the dragon has not only marked you, but also gifted you with something?”  
“Everyone is afraid of me now, even more so than they were before.”  
“It’s better than the disrespect they showed you and your wife before,” Dís said firmly. “Just give them no more reason to fear, and their fear will turn into a healthy respect.”

“I’m not afraid,” Fili said with a wink.  
Kili looked up, eyebrows raised.  
Fili grinned. “Why should I be afraid of my baby brother?”  
“Because your baby brother is half a dragon?” Kili’s eye narrowed.  
“And I’m Durin the Deathless. I can’t be killed. So there’s no reason to worry, eh?” His grin widened and he winked.

The brothers glared at each other, but Fili suddenly broke out laughing and Kili found he could only join him. It was comforting somehow that he might have been gifted, too, by killing the dragon, and the thought of having a dragon’s strength gave him a feeling of reassurance that he had lost the moment he woke up after having killed Smaug.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: **This chapter contains rape.**  
>  \--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--

The days after Kili's angry speech in the great hall passed quietly and everyone who encountered either the prince or the princess walked on eggshells, but as days turned to weeks, most things turned back to normal. But the dwarrow in the vicinity of the royal family had either taken Kili's words to heart or they were so afraid of the prince that they did so in fear of his wrath, as the harassing stopped and the gossip was no longer heard everywhere without regards who might listen.

Kili's and Ari's joint public appearances became a common sight as well, and with people getting used to seeing them together it stopped being an interesting topic to talk about. 

Ari herself rarely talked at all anymore, and only when spoken to. Mostly she offered only short or monosyllabic answers in a cool, demure voice and visibly made an effort to bear her fate with what dignity she could muster despite being so dependent on help.

When the snow melts had brought the spring floods and the first birds began to return north, Erebor shed the heaviness of winter in a great cleansing of chambers, hallways, galleries and stairs. For two weeks, most of the dwarrow in the mountain did nothing but dust and brush and sweep and polish, men and women alike, and when the fug of winter had been cleared away and aired out, the festival of Spring Equinox was everyone's reward for the heavy work.

The lord and lady of Ered Gethrin partook in the celebrations, having arrived three days before with a modest entourage, and greeted their daughters in great joy. That joy turned quickly into sorrow, of course, upon discovering what ill fate had befallen their younger daughter. 

They were also happy and relieved to see that while there still was no affection between Ari and her husband, at least they had come to a truce and were treating each other with respect and courtesy. 

Ari's mother fussed constantly about her younger daughter to the point where even Cylla could hardly watch it any longer. Not only did she treat Ari like an utterly helpless child, much like her servant had done in the beginning, but she also smothered her with motherly love and attention. No one would have been surprised had she licked her thumb at one point to wipe a real or imaginary smudge of dirt from her daughter's cheek.

Ari bore all this with stoic silence, if to humour her mother or to avoid conflict, no one knew. But her mood clearly worsened during that visit, she became even more withdrawn and silent, and Cylla noticed that she also became very jumpy all of a sudden, but when she tried to ask her sister what was wrong with her the only answer she got was a harsh and cold: _“Nothing.”_

Kili had noticed the change of mood as well, of course, and tried to get her to talk about it the evening three days after the feast, when he thought things had calmed down a little.

“There is nothing to talk about, my prince.” Her voice was cold and distant.  
“But something is the matter.” Kili crossed his arms  
“It does not concern you.”  
“Wrong.” Kili took a small step towards her. “It seems to affect your well-being, so it does concern me.”  
“What are you?” Ari snapped. “My husband or my nursemaid?”  
“There is no need for that kind of tone,” Kili replied. “I was just trying to help.”

“My apologies,” Ari replied stiffly. “But there is nothing you could do. I was... I was just reminded of everything I have lost and everything...” Her voice suddenly cracked and she had to clear her throat before continuing. “Everything that can never be, or can never be again.”

“I'm sorry,” Kili said gently. “I know that the arranged marriage wasn't...”  
“Our marriage has little to do with it.” Ari's lips narrowed and a deep line appeared on her forehead. “None of it is your fault.”  
“And there is really nothing I could do?”  
“No.” The answer came as quickly and as sharply as a whip lash. “I thank you for your concern, my prince. But there is nothing you can do. Please, if you would lead me to my quarters, I am exhausted and wish to retire.”  
“Of course.”

Kili placed her left hand onto his right arm and led her to the door to her personal chambers; he knew she preferred that door to the one in their hearth chamber. She probably needed to pretend there was no connection between her and her husband's rooms.

After bidding her a good night Kili settled in the hearth chamber in front of the fireplace with a pipe. 

As he watched the clouds of smoke disperse he let his thoughts run freely, thinking back on their journey to Erebor, which inevitably led him to remember the horrors they had been through in the goblin caves in the Misty Mountains. He then remembered his promise to himself, and he made another promise then and there that as soon as their guests had left and things would have gone back to normal, he would start gathering the forces he needed.

Kili stretched out his legs and made another attempt at blowing a smoke ring, failing utterly; this seemed to be an art he would never master. He smiled to himself as he thought about the smoke ring contests between his brother and uncle.

He was just reaching for his pouch of pipe weed to refill his pipe when he heard a sound coming from Ari’s chambers. It was a low, muffled thump, and Kili got up and walked to the door to her chambers. He opened the door a crack, worried she might have run into something and fallen.

“Ari?”  
No answer.  
“Ari? Are you all right?”

He still got no answer, so he stepped into her drawing room. It was pitch-dark in her chambers, and he waited a moment for his eyes to grow accustomed to the little bit of light coming through the open door behind him. He heard another sound just as the door to her bedroom became visible before him. It was slightly ajar.

Kili opened his mouth to call her name again when the sounds he heard suddenly reached his consciousness. It was a low, rhythmic huffing and grunting, and he felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck and a hot knot of anger forming in his stomach. Forcing himself to remain quiet he tip-toed towards the bedroom door and listened. 

“You like that, don’t you?” It was a man’s voice, but one he’d never heard before, and hearing it in his wife’s bedroom made Kili’s anger turn to fury.  
Ari did not answer, but Kili could hear a muffled whine in response to the strangers rhythmic grunting.  
“My pretty princess...” the stranger groaned. “I missed you so much.”  
The sound that came from Ari almost sounded like a desperate sob.  
“No, no sounds, remember? You know I don’t like it when you make sounds.”

Kili could hear the unmistakable sound of flesh hitting flesh with a sharp crack and also heard Ari’s suppressed sound of pain. His eyes narrowed, and he could hear the blood gush in his ears. He sidled closer to the door and realised that a single candle was burning on a shelf, shedding a dim glow across the room. He could just about make out a pair of male legs, naked and hairy, with trousers and pants down at his ankles.

“It’s a shame that you’re married to this monster,” the man huffed breathlessly. “You could’ve been with me, you just had to say yes. Why didn’t you say yes? Why do I have to be without you now?”  
Ari’s only answer was a sob that sounded as if it had made its way out between lips pressed tightly together to hold it back.

Kili’s fury had gone from hot to ice-cold. He slowly unsheathed his sword and stepped into the room, careful not to make a sound. Had Ari not been blind she would have seen him at this moment, but she didn’t and the man was too preoccupied to have any mindfulness on his surroundings.

“But you’re married now, and you know what that means? I can finally finish without fear of getting you pregnant. And the next prince will be my son!”  
“No, please, no...” Ari breathed, her voice thick with pain and tears. “Please don’t...”  
It earned her a hard slap. “I said no sounds!”

Whatever else he had to say was forgotten the moment the tip of Kili’s blade touched his throat right under the chin. He froze mid-thrust.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.” Kili’s voice was cold as ice.  
“Kili!” Ari sobbed and tried to scramble backwards, away from the man lying half on top of her.  
“How long has this been going on?” Kili twisted the tip of the blade and increased the pressure ever so slightly, as a suggestive gesture that the light touch of the sharp-edged steel could quickly turn into a deadly bite. 

He could hear Ari sob through her hands that covered her face, and the man before him swallowed hard and his wide eyes darted this way and that. 

“But I don’t...” The man sank to his knees, his glistening penis shrinking and growing limp. “I didn’t mean... I couldn’t... she seduced me! I couldn’t help it!”  
“Seducing you so you forgot every shred of decency and common sense, laying a married woman right under her husband’s nose?”  
“She told me you were asleep!”  
Kili smiled grimly. “Bad news for you two. I wasn’t.”

The stranger looked up at Kili, face pale and eyes wide, with droplets of sweat trickling down his temples and nose and vanishing into a not very neatly groomed and braided beard of a rich, brown colour. Quite a handsome man, Kili had to admit, and that only made him angrier. 

“And you thought you could get away with making a cuckold out of me? Do you know who I am?”  
“Th... the prince...?”  
Kili chuckled mirthlessly under his breath. “The King’s brother. The Dragonslayer. I’ve killed a dragon, my friend, do you really believe I would have a problem with killing my wife’s lover?”  
The stranger kneeling before him just swallowed and more sweat broke out on his forehead.   
“You’re not worth soiling my blade with your blood you filthy swine.” 

Kili lashed out with his foot and kicked the stranger in the stones, and when he rolled up into a ball with a painful wheeze, he sheathed his sword and removed the stranger’s belt to trammel him. Then he tore off a piece of the whimpering man’s shirt and stuffed it into his mouth before he dragged him into the farthest corner of the bedroom. 

He cast a fleeting look at his wife who had pulled the covers up to her chin and with a grunt of anger, stepped into the drawing room to ring for a servant.

When the sleepy and bedraggled young woman arrived Kili told her to summon his mother as his wife was unwell. The girl nodded and vanished.

Kili leaned into the doorframe, his thoughts racing and his fury gnawing at the core of his soul. How could anyone be as stupid and brazen as to... he violently shook his head. But then the door opened and his mother entered, hurrying to his side. 

“What is wrong, Kili? What is it about Ari?”

Kili found no words and just waved at his mother to follow. Pale-faced, Dís stepped behind him into the bedroom. She saw Ari sitting on the bed, softly sobbing and the blanket pulled up to her chin, but when Kili pointed at the corner where the stranger lay, still bare-arsed and looking up at them with panicked eyes, she almost fainted.

“No...” Dís shook her head in fruitless denial. “But... how could they?” She spun around and stared at Ari. “How could you?!”  
Ari shook her head with a sob.  
Dís took a deep breath. “I... I don’t know what to do. I’ll go and get Thorin.”  
Ari flinched and dropped her head, but said nothing.

Kili nodded and watched his mother go, and all of a sudden, his fury left him and turned into a heavy weariness. He slumped down onto the bed and Ari jumped with a sound of panic.  
He looked up at her, at her pale face, those wide, unseeing eyes, and the tears that were falling from these eyes. 

“Ari.” He didn’t know what to say. “What am I supposed to do now? You know what happens to adulterers, and now I can no longer protect you. And to be honest, I don’t know if I still want to despite...” He broke off and remembered what he had said to her on their wedding night. “It seems it’s not as easy as I thought.”  
Ari sobbed again and shook her head. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered hoarsely. “I thought he wouldn’t find me here.”

It was then that Kili realised that her right cheek was swollen but it took him a few seconds more to process those words. For the duration of a heartbeat, Kili felt his world spin.

“Ari?” His voice sounded like that of a stranger, even to him. “What do you mean, he wouldn’t find you here?”  
She shook her head, but another sob choked her. 

Kili slowly reached out and tugged at the blanket she was clutching to her chest. She let go of it after another tug, and Kili leaned forward. 

The neckline of her night dress had been torn and she was clutching it together with one trembling hand. Slowly and very gently Kili removed her hand and gingerly moved the flap of torn cloth aside to expose her left breast. Even in the meagre light of the single candle Kili could see it was covered in spots, red spots slowly turning blue, and each the size of a fingerprint. On her collarbone were four deep, red gashed, dug into her skin by the fingernails that had torn the cloth of her shift. Her neck bore similar marks as her breast plus a few red double-crescents that unmistakably were bite-marks.

His hand was trembling when he reached out to lift the blanket; but Ari swatted his hand away when she felt it and realised what he was about to do. “Get away from me.”  
“Ari...” Kili ran his hand through his hair and gritted his teeth. “I am not... I don’t... Look, I don’t want to ogle or intimidate you, I just...” He cleared his throat and kept his voice low. “I need to know what the damage is.”  
“You can’t damage something that is already broken.” Ari’s voice was toneless and devoid of feeling. “But I gather you know what a woman’s sex looks like when it’s bleeding, no?” She tore the blanket away and after a few heartbeats, wrapped herself into it again, her face set tight with no feelings showing.

Kili gritted his teeth. He needed no more than this to remind him of their wedding night; blood covering her sex; his own blood because... because the damage had already been done.  
His stomach turned. His world spun. His fury returned, and he felt dizzy. Thinking became very hard, and then all conscious thoughts vanished as his eyes fell onto the man lying in the corner. 

“Kili?” His mother’s voice tore him out of whatever trance he had been in and he shook his head.   
“Mother...” His hoarse voice and the tone of it stopped Dís dead in her tracks. “Thorin, stay outside.”  
Kili took his mother’s arm and led her into the bedroom. Thorin and his sister exchanged a bewildered, worried glance, but Thorin stayed where he was as Dís was led to Ari’s bedside.

Kili met his mother’s eyes, and looked down at Ari with gritted teeth. “Ari, will you let my mother...”  
“No.” She pulled the blanket closer around her.   
Dís looked back and forth between the two. “What is going on here?”  
Kili dragged his hand down his face. “Ari has not lain with that man by her choice. She has been raped.”

Dís’s face went white as a sheet. She sat down beside Ari who frowned and moved a little away from her.

“Ari, is this true?”  
“You wouldn’t believe me anyway,” Ari replied. “Ask your son.”  
Dís’s eyes flew to Kili’s face. “Kili?”  
“I... I’ve seen it, mother. Please take my word for it. Bruises and bite marks and blood on the sheets...”  
She looked at Ari sitting stiffly as if carved from wood, but despite that she finally saw the marks on her throat.

Kili swallowed hard and shook his head, and their eyes met in a desperate attempt of trying to understand how this could have happened. Dís shook her head as she left the room and Kili sat down at Ari’s bedside, still feeling as if someone could knock him out with a feather.

“Thorin.”  
Thorin lifted his head; his arms crossed, and gave his sister a questioning look.  
“Thorin, I told you Kili caught them red-handed...”  
Her brother nodded. “As much as it pains me to say, but I have feared that this would happen.”  
“No.” Dís shook her head. “No, Thorin, you don’t understand...”  
Thorin frowned as Dís groped for words. “I... I can’t even begin to...” She took a deep breath and met her brother’s eyes. “It wasn’t adultery, Thorin.” Her voice was low and rough. “It was rape.”

Thorin’s eyes went wide as his arms dropped to his side. “Mahal’s mercy,” he whispered. “Are you sure you are not mistaken?”  
“Mistaken?” Dís’s eyes filled with tears. “Strangulation marks, bruises and bite marks on her neck and blood between her legs? How could anyone be mistaken about it?”  
Thorin’s face went absolutely blank, but his eyes began to glow. 

“Thorin, what do we do? Accusing him will cause...”  
“A scandal of the worst sort.” Thorin finished for her. “And I don’t think we would be doing her a favour in making this public.”  
“But we can’t just let him go!”  
“Of course not.” Thorin took a deep breath. “I’ll take him to the dungeons and lock him up down there. You get that poor woman a bath, and after the morning meal we will all meet in Fili’s private chambers to decide on our course of action in this matter.”

Dís nodded and when both of them entered the bedroom, they found Kili sitting on the bed beside her, looking at nothing. Thorin unceremoniously hauled the rapist onto his feet and roughly pulled his trousers up before marching him outside, pressing a dagger into the small of his back to remind him to keep silent. Dís sat down on Ari’s other side and took one of her hands.

“I will have a bath readied for you, and we will all meet in Fili’s chambers later to decide what to do. No one wants you to be shamed.”  
Kili finally shed his strange trance and looked at his mother. “But she’s innocent! Why would she be shamed?”  
Dís sighed heavily. “Of course she is innocent. But you know the... the rules of... of purity of women and...  
“Curse those stupid, cruel rules!” Kili rasped. “Hasn’t a woman who has been raped suffered enough? It wasn’t her fault that her so called purity was... damaged!”

_I thought he wouldn’t find me here..._

By now he was wrecked by both fury and guilt, remembering what he had called her when he had found her no virgin on their wedding night. 

“No, Kili, please... I know this sounds cruel. And if she wasn’t a princess, there would be no damage done, but the succession of the royal line rests on the unquestionable purity of the women.”  
Kili felt his fury return. “Honestly? Those are the rules of Durin’s royal blood? That I have to cast her aside now that she has been touched by another man? If that’s the case, then Durin can keep his royal blood and shove it up his hairy asshole!”  
“Kili!”  
“I don’t want any of it!” Kili growled. “If these are the laws, then I don’t want a part of it! I’ll renounce my status as a prince of Durin’s line ere I let a woman...”  
“No you will do nothing of the sort!” Dís took a deep, shaky breath. “Why do you think we want to keep this a secret?”

Kili hammered his fist into his thigh. “A secret? All the harm that has been done to her, all the pain she’s been through, keep it a dirty, shameful secret? Can you explain to me between what discerns adultery from rape, because I can’t seem to spot the difference!”  
“You know the difference as well as I do!” Dís snapped. “But there is also a difference between a prince and a man of lower birth! This is not about what you, or I, or Thorin or any of us think about her, it’s what the people in this mountain will think of her!”

Kili breathed heavily through his nose.

“Kili, if you want to protect her, if we want to protect her, then we have to keep it a secret. Don’t believe for a second that I’m happy about it. I’d rather see that bastard hang from his cock until he falls off; but as it is, we have to be content with giving him his punishment without public attention.”  
“But he will be punished?” Kili tilted his head.  
“Of course he will,” Dís replied grimly. “We just won’t have the satisfaction of everyone watching it.”  
Kili nodded, took a deep breath and then looked at Ari again who had silently listened to the conversation.

“Ari,” he said gently. “What say you? Or do you need some time to recover?”  
Ari shook her head. “No. But your mother is right, Kili.” Her voice was low and still hoarse. “And I’d rather not stand up publicly and explain what has been done to me.”  
Kili nodded slowly. “In that case...” He looked at his mother. “I don’t like this one bit.”  
“Neither do I,” Dís gave back. “Believe me, neither do I.”


	12. Chapter 12

Kili remained at Ari’s side as his mother left them, his mind reeling and his thoughts racing like clouds swept by a storm. Ari sat silently and stiffly beside him, her shoulders heaving with every breath.

“Ari...” He finally said. “Ari, please tell me the truth... you said you thought he wouldn’t find you here. So he has done it before...” Kili took a deep breath. “Was he the reason for... for...”  
“For what happened on our wedding night?” Ari’s face was still a stiff mask, and her voice was composed and cool, with only the slightest hint of a tremor. “Or rather, what didn’t happen.”  
“Yes. Was he the one who took your maidenhood?”  
Ari’s lips began to tremble.  
“Ari please tell me the truth, I have to know!”  
“Why?” Ari’s voice cracked. “What difference would it make?”

“What difference?” Kili shook his head with a breathless, mirthless chuckle. “It would turn me from righteously infuriated and cuckolded husband into a heartless, self-righteous arsehole! Ari, why couldn’t you tell me?” His throat was too dry to swallow. “I would never have said those things to you.”

Her lips still trembling, Ari slung her arms around herself and her breathing hitched. She silently shook her head.

Feeling as if he had swallowed a whole bucket full of ice water Kili watched her lose her fight against whatever she was battling. And then he remembered her words from the day he had showed her how to eat by herself. 

_I don’t deserve this. I’m just a pretty princess._

Kili gritted his teeth, another, much younger memory from less than an hour ago.

_My pretty princess..._

Kili covered his face with his hand. “I’m sorry...” He muttered. “Mahal’s Balls, if I had only had the slightest inkling! And now I’ve added insult to injury and...” He punched his thigh with a growl that made Ari flinch.

“Ari, honestly...” He took a deep breath. “I am sorry. I should never have said those things.”  
“But you meant them,” was Ari’s reply; a toneless whisper.  
“Yes!” Kili fisted his hair and let go again with a despairing groan. “Yes, I meant it! And now I don’t mean it anymore but it’s too late and I can’t take it back! And now I know what really happened and I feel like the biggest arsehole in the world! I called you a slut and a harlot when in reality...” He broke off and shook his head. A dire, heavy tiredness crawled into his limbs and settled around him like a cloak.   
His voice was low and heavy with sorrow and regret when he spoke again. “Ari, can you ever forgive me for calling you those things?”

He could see her swallow hard, he could even hear it. Her eyes spilled over and tears trickled down her cheeks, and slowly, her facade began to crack, fell apart into shards and crumbled into pieces. She buried her face in her hands with a sob and then whatever it had been that held her together until now finally broke under the strain. She collapsed with a heart wrenching, drawn out sob, and Kili caught her by sheer reflex, staring down at her in utter helplessness.

Ari fell against him with another sob, dug both her hands into the folds of his shirt and broke down. Her whole body was shaking under the assault of hoarse, wrecking sobs that seemed to tear her throat asunder. Kili could do nothing else but close his arms around her and hold her as everything she had kept hidden for so long finally broke free, leaving her defenceless against the flash-flood of pain and shame.

Kili’s mind was lost in a maelstrom of feelings; regret, hate, sorrow, disbelief, denial, pity and pure, unadulterated rage. He was so caught up in this turmoil that he was completely unaware of what he was doing, and it took him a while to realise that he was holding her against his chest, rocking her gently, running his hand through her hair and muttering apologies. And Ari was still crying, by now so hoarse and tired that it made Kili wince to hear it. 

He had no idea how long they spent like this, but at one point she seemed to have spent all her tears and only chocked out a few more dry and hoarse sobs. But then, her voice cracked and raw from her crying, she began to talk in halting and hesitating words, interspersed with desperate, painful sobs.

“It was... it was only weeks after I came of age,” she began. “I had no idea... and I still don’t know who he is. He... he came to me, into my bedroom, and he told me not to make a noise. He wore a mask...” She shuddered violently at the memory.   
Kili felt as if turned to stone.  
“He told me I was so beautiful, and he told me it was my fault he could no longer wait. I couldn’t stop him...” Her tears were back, but she just kept on talking as if finally, when the gates had been broken, there was no holding back any longer. Kili still had her in his arms, and with his soul and body frozen, he was forced to listen.

“I couldn’t’ stop him,” Ari went on. “And he told me not to make a sound. And it hurt... Mahal it hurt so much... and I didn’t understand, but I understood it later. He wanted my beauty, and he told me it was the only thing about me that was worth something. He told me that every time he came. That I was beautiful, but nothing else.”  
She paused, her breathing hard and ragged.  
“He kept coming, and I never saw his face. I never recognised his voice. And I never knew when he would come...”

Finally, Kili could no longer hold his silence. “But Ari... why by Mahal’s mercy did you not tell anyone?”  
Ari froze and shook her head.   
“Ari, you are safe now.” Kili brushed a few strands of hair from her face that were clinging to her wet cheeks. “He’s locked behind bars, we know who he is, and he will never touch you again.”  
Her head fell against Kili’s shoulder with another sob. “I can’t...” She whispered tonelessly.  
“You can.” Kili was surprised at the gentleness in his voice. “He can’t escape the jail cells of Erebor. Solid steel bars keep him away. And I’ll never fail you again, I swear. Neither he nor anyone else will ever touch you against your will again.”

Ari was trembling again, but her sobbing had ceased. The tears still flowed, however, and her voice was still painfully cracked and hoarse. 

“I couldn’t...” Ari took a shaky breath. “He told me that if... that if I ever told anyone...” She broke off again, still firmly in the grip of whatever horror he had threatened her with.   
“Whatever he said, it won’t happen. He can’t hurt you anymore.”  
“He said that...” She gulped for air. “He said if I ever told anyone then he’d...” Her voice broke, and her last words were a husky whisper. “He’d do the same to Cylla.”

Kili felt the bile rise in his throat. Ari’s last revelation made his own feelings of hurt pride and broken trust so shallow and petty, and at the same time his rage returned with such force that he wouldn’t have been surprised at having sprouted scales and wings had he looked into a mirror.

Ari began to cry again, her face buried in the folds of his already soaked shirt. 

“I couldn’t... I couldn’t tell anyone...” she choked out. “How could I tell? How could I let him do this to her? I couldn’t let that happen! Not my sister! Not her, too! Not Cylla!”

Kili felt tears sting his eyes and closed them. He thought of Fili, and his sacrifice in the goblin caves; of what his brother had gone through so Kili would be spared. Without a moment’s hesitation Fili had stepped in front of him, sealing his own fate.   
And Ari had done the same. She had suffered the humiliation, the fear, the shame, the pain; and all this for years, and all in silence because of her fears that the same fate would await her sister should she break the silence. 

She had been reduced to an object to use at a whim, reduced to a shell of beauty alone while everything else, her pride, her happiness, her future, had been taken from her, her mind and body tortured and violated.  
The only feeling of control left to her was to choose to let it happen for the sake of her sister. And it was her beauty that had done this to her.

And what had that left for her? To destroy her beauty forever, or to gain some sort of power again and use that beauty to her own ends? She had chosen the latter. 

It was then, as his thoughts had reached this point, that Kili realised the strange mirroring of their fates. Ari had suffered for her looks and had hidden the scars on her soul behind it, keeping everyone away from her. And he had been scarred to an extent that he felt he looked like a monster, and had hidden himself behind those scars so he would not have to learn to live with them, had used his grim appearance to keep everyone away from him.   
He was aware that her suffering by far exceeded his own, but he still knew how it felt to sacrifice yourself for your sibling and suffer from the scars afterwards.

He was torn out of his thoughts by Ari’s voice, low and hoarse and still thick with tears. 

“Is it really over?”  
Kili lowered his cheek onto her hair. “He will never touch you again. He will never see the sunlight again if I have any say about it. I will rip him apart, I swear I’ll tear him limb from limb after I make him choke on his own balls!”

After a few moments, Ari finally peeled herself away from him and released the folds of his shirt that looked a right mess.

“I’m sorry about your shirt,” Ari whispered.  
“I don’t give a pig’s arse about that shirt.” Kili brushed a few hairs from her face. “And since none of us is going to sleep any more since it’s almost morning anyway I shall get that bath ready for you and then we’ll get you dressed and meet up with the rest of the family to decide what’s going to happen.”  
“We?” Ari tilted her head.  
“Did you think you’d be left out in this?”  
She lowered her head and clutched her hands.“I wasn’t sure.”

Kili took one of her hands in his. “It’s your fate, Ari. Your burden, and your future at stake. I’m sorry, but I fear that under these circumstances we have to be honest about the wedding night.  
Ari froze and Kili squeezed her hand. “We’ll see this through. We will find a way somehow.”

When after a long moment, Ari looked up, her silver eyes were misted with tears again. “But I thought you hate me.”  
Kili took a deep breath and exhaled it in a huff. “I thought that, too. Before this night, I did. And before this night, you hated me, and you didn’t trust me. All I can say is that this no longer seems to be the case, and we have to take it from here.”

Ari nodded, and after a moment, Kili got up and left her to order her a bath. He helped her dress as best he could and before they left, he went into his bedroom and emerged again with a long, translucent scarf of white silk embroidered with silver. He wrapped it around Ari’s neck to hide the marks, and she hesitantly touched the fabric with her fingers.

“What is this?”  
“It’s a silk scarf,” Kili replied. “I had it made for you and it was meant... it was meant as a morning gift.”

The traditional gift of the husband to his wife after the wedding night.

“But why give it to me now? It’s not as if...” She broke off and pressed her lips together.  
“I don’t know,” Kili gave back, his voice revealing his feeling of helplessness. “It felt like the right thing to do.”

With her blindfold hiding her swollen, tear-stained eyes and the scarf hiding her marks, they made their way to the King’s quarters, her hand resting on his arm, without anyone giving them a closer look. If they had, however, they might have noticed that Ari walked much closer to Kili than she had done before.

**x-x-x**

Fili opened the door to the King’s quarters himself to let them in after Kili had knocked, giving his brother a worried look. 

“Whatever is going on, everyone seems to be eager to have it over with,” he said to his brother. 

Kili had a look around and noticed that apart from his brother and Cylla, his mother was already there, as well.

“We are waiting for Thorin who has gone to get Ari’s parents,” Dís said to Kili.  
Beside him, Ari stiffened. “My parents?”  
“We could hardly leave them out of this, don’t you think?” Deep lines of worry were carved into Dís’s face. “But no one else.”

Ari nodded stiffly, and Kili realised that her facade of perfect porcelain was already in place again despite having been so thoroughly shattered not so long ago. 

At that moment another knock came from the door, and Fili opened to let Thorin enter, followed by Dolgar and his wife Bjalla. The puzzled and worried expressions on their faces indicated that they had no idea what this was all about, and they nervously looked at both their daughters after Fili had closed the door behind them. They all seated themselves at the large wooden table that roomed eight people, and after settling down, Thorin cast a look around and nodded.

“Fili, this one time only, I ask of you to let Dís and me handle this affair.”  
Still puzzled, Fili nodded in consent. “But why?”  
“Because of the delicacy of its nature,” Thorin replied. “And while I do not doubt your honourable intentions and your knowledge of laws, this will require sure instinct and careful treading. I am not proud to say that because of growing up in court, your mother and I know more about navigating something past the laws in secrecy.”

Fili frowned and folded his hands on the table. “What exactly are we talking about? What is it that has to go past the laws?”  
“Past the laws only in that we want to draw as little attention to this as is possible.” Thorin exchanged a look with his sister.  
“It’s a family affair, that’s why,” Dís continued for him. “And we do not want a single word of the things we speak about to come to public attention. Because enforcing the laws through a public court will have dire consequences.”  
Fili nodded slowly and leaned back in his chair. “Very well. Go ahead.”

Thorin inclined his head and then looked at his younger nephew. “Kili, please relate last night’s events.”  
Kili cleared his throat. “I was sleepless and sat up at the hearth for a long time. I was smoking a pipe when I heard a sound and I worried that it might be my wife who had fallen, so I checked.” He cleared his throat. “Upon entering her chambers I could hear noises of fornication coming from her bedchamber.”  
“No!” Bjalla jumped up from her seat. “What in the name of...”  
“Please, Lady Bjalla.” Thorin spoke gently, but with all the authority he could muster. “Let him finish.”

Bjalla sat down again, her face white and her hands trembling.

“Of course that caught my attention and in my anger, I snuck up on them to catch them in the act and take them to task,” Kili went on, “... only to discover that what I believed to be my wife and a lover were, in fact, my wife and a rapist.”

Bjalla looked close to fainting. Beside her, Dolgar had grown still as a stone, and Cylla could hardly suppress a cry of anguish. 

“It can’t be...” Cylla shook her head; she was trembling from head to toe. “It’s not true...”  
“I’m afraid it is,” Kili replied, his voice heavy. “And I ask all of you to believe my word as her husband, I have seen the marks on her body and they could not have been mistaken for anything else.”  
“What did you do with that man?” Dolgar asked, his voice close to breaking. His eyes glowed with rage. “Tell me where he is.”

“I locked him up in the dungeon jail,” Thorin answered. “And lest you worry about him being able to escape, I have also shackled him to the wall. He will go nowhere.”  
“I’ll have his blood on my blade, I swear,” Dolgar growled. “By Durin’s Beard and Mahal’s Hammer, I will have his head for this!”

Ari had sat silently and stiffly through all this, as if the whole affair didn’t really concern her. 

“I can see why this would require special care,” Fili said after a while. “But please allow me the question, Ari, why didn’t you call for help?”

Kili inhaled very slowly and cast his wife a look that she couldn’t see, of course, but by the way she tilted her head into his direction she had felt it. 

“I... I did not dare,” Ari finally said.   
“But why not?” Fili took great care to keep his voice gentle. “I’m afraid I do not understand.”  
“I did not dare,” Ari said again, her voice a little sharper.   
“Was he armed? Did he say he would kill you?”

Ari swallowed, and seemed to feel all eyes resting on her. “Will you hear his word in this matter as well?”  
Fili looked up at Thorin.  
“We will have to listen to what he has to say for himself,” Thorin said gravely.  
“He will deny ever having threatened me.” Ari drew a deep breath. “He will say the same he said to my husband.”  
“Which was?” Fili’s frown deepened.  
“That I seduced him.”

“The gall!” Dolgar yelled.

“But did he threaten you? What made you remain so quiet that Kili almost had not heard what was going on?” Fili shook his head. “What did he do to you?”  
“Other than taking me against my will?” Ari’s voice was sharp as broken glass. “A grown warrior and a blind woman? There wasn’t anything that he hadn’t been able to do had he so wished.”  
“I want to know why you remained silent,” Fili said, his voice no longer gentle, and Ari ducked her head before straightening up again.

“Fili.” Dís lifted her hand. “Don’t.”  
Fili blinked, then crossed his arms and leaned back. “My apologies, Ari.”  
“Ari,” Dís said gently. “We need the truth. And while I do not doubt that your words are true, I have the feeling you keep something hidden from us.” She looked pointedly at her younger son.   
“There’s really no help for it,” Kili muttered. “I’m sorry Ari, there isn’t.”  
“Very well.” Ari squared her shoulders. “The fact I tried to keep hidden is that this time was not the first time.”

Everyone around the table seemed frozen in shock; apart from Kili who carefully watched his wife but could find no trace of her earlier devastation. Then he felt Thorin’s eyes on him and looked up to meet his uncle’s sapphire stare. It was impossible to guess what Thorin was thinking.

“Not the first time?” Dolgar was trembling with rage. “You haven’t been living in this mountain for a year! What by Mahal’s...”  
“Dolgar.” Thorin’s voice was heavy. “His name is Gromí. He is one of your men.”  
“Gromí? That’s...” He broke off, all colour draining from his face when he realised the implication of Thorin’s words.   
Beside him, Bjalla began to shake her head, her eyes unfocussed and filling with tears.

In the heavy, deafening silence that followed, Kili could see it clearly in his mother’s eyes when she had suddenly jumped to the conclusion he had dreaded most. He braced himself when Dís took a deep breath.

“Ari,” Dís said slowly. “If he has done it before, and is one of your father’s men... then please tell me...”  
“What happened on our wedding night?” Ari’s voice was devoid of emotion.  
“Mother,” Kili said before Ari could continue. “I know what happened, too. Spare us the details, please. I drew some of my own blood and used it on myself before consummating the marriage.”

“Betrayal!” Fili slammed his hand onto the table and everyone around the table flinched.  
“Stop it, Fili!” Despite their ranks, Thorin had still the power to glare his nephews into silence. “You of all people should know that by now this does not concern your brother’s marriage alone anymore!”

Fili paled and clenched his jaw. Beside him, Cylla unsuccessfully tried to suppress a sob and with a stony face, he took her hand in his and nodded at Thorin to go on.

“Kili.” Thorin took a deep breath. “I think I know why you did this. And if I am right, then I cannot imagine you want to have the marriage revoked.”  
“Indeed not.” Kili looked at his brother. “Not with the contracts being bound to each other.”  
Fili stared at his brother with parted lips, pain and confusion mingling in his eyes. “Brother...” He whispered hoarsely.  
“Yes, I betrayed you, and everyone else.” Kili met his brother’s eyes. “But I didn’t do it for my sake.”

Fili slowly shook his head a few times before he fell back into his chair. “You were right, Thorin,” he said tonelessly. “I can’t handle this.”

Thorin nodded slowly and looked back at his younger nephew, then at his wife. “Ari. Do you want the marriage revoked?”  
“To what avail?” Ari’s voice was cool. “To return home a shamed woman?”  
“There are always more discreet ways to handle these things,” Thorin replied.  
“And what about the cross-bound contracts?” Ari folded her delicate hands. “For I do not want to cause my sister pain, just as my husband does not want to inflict any on his brother.”

“So the marriage remains legal,” Thorin continued after a pause. “Unless any of you has something to add to this.” He looked at each one sitting at the table.

Dís shook her head, her face composed. Fili and his wife both looked stricken and were holding hands like frightened children. Fili didn’t even meet Thorin’s eyes. Dolgar and Bjalla seemed still frozen, but when Dolgar realised Thorin was waiting for an answer, he cleared his throat.

“I no longer know my own arse from my head, if you pardon me.” Dolgar’s voice was heavy with pain. “With all my failures in this I feel I have no longer a right to say anything.”  
“I need your say in this.” Thorin held his gaze.  
“Very well. Let them remain married if that is what they wish.”  
Thorin nodded. “Fili? We need your verdict.”

Fili blinked a few times like a man who had just been awoken and drew himself up. “The marriage between my brother and Lady Ari, daughter of Dolgar, has been declared legal and shall remain legal.”  
“That settles that.” Thorin looked at his sister. “I can see you have a question.”

Dís nodded slowly and cast a cautious look at Dolgar and his wife who both looked shocked and grief-stricken. She had no intention to cause either them or Ari further pain, but she still had the feeling that something was yet missing.

“Ari,” she said slowly. “How long has this been going on?”  
“The first time he came was a few weeks after my Coming-of-Age ceremony.”  
Bjalla dropped her head into her folded arms with a sob. Her husband placed a hand between her shoulder blades, his face ashen

“I cannot say how many times. Sometimes weeks would pass, sometimes only days until he would come again. He said it was my fault he could not resist me; that I was too beautiful to resist. But he also told me that it was only my beauty he wanted, as everything else about me was worthless.”  
“But surely you didn’t believe him?” Dís, even though she had no daughters, felt her motherly instincts stir at the thought of a child of hers being put through that.   
“He said it every time.” Ari shrugged.   
“But you...”  
“Mother, leave it.” Kili shook his head. “Please.”

Dís nodded, and after a moment, composed herself again. “Just one more question, Ari.”  
“Yes?”  
“Why did you keep this to yourself? Why did you not go to your father or mother? Or your sister? Why did you just keep it hidden?”

Ari did not reply.  
“Ari?” It was the first time Bjalla spoke, and her voice was cracked with pain and thick with tears. “Ari, my poor little darling, why? Why did you not come to me? Did you really think I wouldn’t believe you? How could you ever think that?”  
Ari remained silent, but her fingers began to tug at a fold of her dress.  
“Ari?” Cylla wiped the tears from her face. “Please, Ari, why? Please tell us, please!”  
But Ari silently shook her head, cleared her throat and swallowed heavily.

“Ari.” Kili leaned a little closer. “Should I?”  
Her fingers stopped their restless fiddling, and after a moment, she nodded, her lips a narrow line.

“We... ah... had this discussion before, Ari and I. After my mother and my uncle left us. And I think... I think most of you wouldn’t understand it. But I do.”  
“What would you know about being raped!” Bjalla slammed her hand onto the table. “How can you!”  
“I know nothing about being raped,” Kili gave back. “And I never said I did. I said I understand why she did not dare talk about it, to no one.”  
“Then why didn’t she?” Thorin lifted his eyebrows.  
“She said he had worn a mask every time so she had no idea who he was, no name and no face to point out to anyone. And he... he told her if she didn’t hold her silence, he would do the same to her sister.”

Cylla jumped out of her chair with a shriek. For a moment she stood there, trembling like a reed in the wind, and stared at her sister before her eyes rolled back and she fainted. Fili managed to react fast enough to catch her before she would have hit the table with her head.  
She came to seconds later, but the moment she opened her eyes she fell against Fili’s shoulder and erupted in tears.

Apart from Cylla’s sobbing no other sound was heard in the chamber. Fili helplessly ran his hands down her back, but after a few minutes, Cylla pushed herself away from him and got up to walk, somewhat unsteadily, towards Ari’s chair. 

“Ari...” she whispered and took her sister’s hands. “It’s not true...”  
Following the tug of her sister’s hands, Ari slowly got up. “But I couldn’t...” Ari whispered back. “I couldn’t. What if he had done the same to you?”  
Cylla wordlessly pulled her close and Ari closed her arms around her older sister. Cylla was still crying, and even if Ari rested her head on her sister’s shoulder, her face remained as unmoving as ever. Cylla however seemed to shed tears enough for both of them.


	13. Chapter 13

Everyone in the room stared at Cylla and Ari tightly embracing each other; only when the two had stepped away from each other and Cylla had gotten herself somewhat composed, Thorin cleared his throat to continue.

“I gather everyone will want to have this over with,” he said after a look around.   
“But what are we supposed to do about it now?” Bjalla wrung her hands and wiped her eyes, she, too, was deeply shocked at the recent revelations.   
“I suggest I go down to where Gromí is locked up and hear what he has to say.” Thorin exchanged a look with his sister. “And I expect him to try and talk his way out of this. But if he confesses or denies, he was caught in the act and that is not going to change.”

“And what then?”Kili met Thorin’s eyes. “What happens to him? Mother said he’ll be punished, but not publicly. So what do we do?”  
“The punishment for rape is being castrated, shorn and exiled. A case like this, however, calls for more.”  
“Death?” Kili cast a quick glance at Ari. “You mean execution?”  
“Death is too good for him,” Dolgar growled. “Give him to me.”

“Fact is,” Thorin went on after casting a passing glance at Dolgar, “That we cannot exile him without making his crimes public. If we dispose of him, however, you will need a good explanation why he didn’t come back home with you, Dolgar.”  
Dolgar nodded, and then shook his head. “Give me a battle anytime,” he muttered. “I’m too old for this sort of political puttering about.”  
“Is he married?” Dís joined the conversation.  
“No,” Dolgar gave back. “But his father is one of my oldest friends; and he has three sisters that are of marriageable age and a brother who is hardly more than a boy.”

“If you dispose of him as a criminal, no matter the offence, his family will be in ruins,” Ari suddenly said into the silence. “His sisters will lose any chance of a decent match and his brother will never rise in ranks.”  
“So, what do you suggest we do?” Dís said slowly.  
Ari swallowed. “No matter what you do to him, nothing he did can be undone. Nothing he took can be given back to me. If I could be sure he would never do this again to any other woman I’d say let him go, for his family’s sake.”

“You don’t want to see him punished?” Bjalla stopped tearing at her hair and stared at her daughter. “But Ari...”  
“The only thing I want is that he never touches me again.” Ari pressed both her hands flat onto the table top. “Everything else is of no consequence to me. But to his family, the consequences of his punishment would be dire. Do not let a whole family lose their rank and reputation because of me. It’s not their fault.”

“I understand your line of thinking,” Thorin said very slowly. “Although I cannot agree with it, but that’s personal. So you would choose to relinquish any gratification for the sake of his sisters and brother?”  
“There is no gratification.” Ari seemed to resist the urge to bite her lip. “Nothing will change for me if he is dead or alive. His death will not make my virginity return nor will it make me forget all the pain and humiliation. If you do punish him, though, then his family will suffer. There will be three young women who won’t be able to have a man of their choosing, and a young man who will be condemned to the life of a mercenary if he is lucky. And what then?” Ari drew herself up and squared her shoulders, as if she had come to a decision. 

“They know nothing of what has bechanced here” Ari went on, her voice low but firm. “They have no way of knowing if the verdict was just or not. They will only feel the pain of loss and the bitterness of doubt. They will resent, maybe even hate, those they believe to be responsible. You, father, and if they learn that it happened here, then King Fili as well. There is no gratification, no satisfaction. There is only revenge born from hate, and hate only breeds more hate. I am not worth it. Let the hate end here.”

A heavy silence fell over the assembly around the table. Everyone exchanged looks with everyone else, and finally, Thorin and Dís looked at each other with a nod. 

“Dolgar,” Thorin said, looking at Ari’s father. “If you take him home with you, will you be able to keep your eyes on him to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again?”  
“You can bet your arse on that.” Dolgar crossed his arms. “The burning halls of Durin’s Bane will freeze over ere he touches another woman again.”  
“And he will never set foot again into this mountain.”  
“I can’t imagine he’d want to, after the Dragonslayer caught him raping his wife.”  
“If I see him, I’ll kill him,” Kili said flatly. “He was careless enough not to wear a mask, thinking himself safe due to Ari’s blindness. If he should ever dare to show himself again anywhere near this mountain, I’ll have his hide.”

“Is that good enough for you, Ari?” Thorin looked at Kili’s wife and wished he could have met her eyes. As it was, he watched her closely.  
Ari swallowed but her hands rested now calmly on the tabletop, her voice was no longer trembling. “It is good enough for me. I will be safe here, and as long as Cylla is safe, too, nothing else matters.”  
Thorin nodded and looked over at Dolgar again. “And you stand surety for him?”  
“I’ll take care of him.” Dolgar nodded and cast a quick glance at his daughter before meeting Thorin’s eyes again. “That lad’s not going to be a threat to any woman ever again.”  
Thorin returned the nod with slightly raised eyebrows. “Your word?”  
“My word. On my blood and my forefathers’, and Durin’s blood, too.”

Thorin got up and nodded again. “I propose you all calm yourself with some food and then go about your day with as much normality as you can muster. I will go down and hear what he has to say for himself and tell him what fate awaits him. Dolgar will then put him under surveillance until they will leave and then continue his vigil over him as he sees fit. Anything else?”  
Fili leaned forward. “What accounts for his nightly disappearance?”  
Thorin smiled, but it wasn’t a friendly smile. “I gather it is in his own best interest to say he was so drunk that he lost his way and could not find back.”  
Fili inclined his head.

Thorin was the first to leave, and after that, Fili had some breakfast ordered for the whole family gathered in his chambers. None of them had much of an appetite but managed for the sake of pretence to eat sufficient amounts, all but Ari, that is. She barely touched her food, but no one lost a word about it or urged her to eat.

On their way back to their quarters Ari asked Dís for a private word, and she followed her son and daughter-in-law into Kili’s hearth chamber.

“Should I leave you alone?” Kili asked.  
Ari shook her head. “You don’t have to. In a way, this concerns you too.”

Dís took a deep breath and cautiously touched Ari’s arm. “I know now why you chose to do what you did, and while I still cannot sanction it, at least I understand now. I would have peace between us.”  
Ari swallowed, but nodded after a moment. “I would have peace between us, Lady Dís.”

“What can I do for you, then?” Dís asked after a moment.   
“I gather I need not ask you to be discreet about it,” Ari said after another moment of silence. “I need... I want to make sure that... that last night will not leave me with child.”  
Dís reached out and took her hand. “I will see to it. Give me a few days.”  
“Thank you.” Ari lowered her head.

“But...” Kili looked back and forth between his mother and Ari. “But he didn’t finish, so...”  
Dís exhaled sharply. “Yes? What about it? It reduces the likelihood, it is not a guarantee.”  
“Oh.” Kili scratched his chin. “I didn’t know that.”  
“Yes, and aren’t you a lucky prince,” Dís said rather sharply.   
“What?”  
“Well I told you it was a good thing that Thorin kept that close an eye on you, otherwise I wouldn’t have been as lucky in not being a grandmother yet!”  
“Mother!” Scandalized and mortified, Kili cast a hasty glance at Ari who had her lips pressed tightly together.

“I’ll see to it,” Dís said to Ari, completely ignoring her son. “Do not worry.”

With that, she left them and Kili kept staring at his wife, trying to determine if she was as scandalised as he felt or is she was trying not to laugh. In the same instance he realised that for her sake, he’d take the punch this time as she probably needed a laugh more than anything right now.

“Well, you may laugh at me,” he finally said in a defeated tone.  
“I am not laughing,” Ari gave back while covering her mouth with one hand. “But I have to admit I didn’t expect the Dragonslayer could be reduced to a stuttering boy by the words of his mother.” She dropped her hand, and there was indeed a small smile playing around her lips. 

“And what tells you that about me?” Kili asked drily  
“Nothing apart from the fact that you are not that different from most other men.”  
Kili lifted his eyebrows. “In what aspects?”  
“In that you react to her reprehensions like any other man brought up to respect their elders. And that you will remain her little boy in your mother’s eyes, no matter what else you are.”

“Little boy am I?” Kili sighed. “Well, I guess to her, I am.”  
“You are her youngest.”  
“Yes, I am quite aware of the fact.” Kili feigned indignation. “I’m surprised she actually allows me to smoke my pipe.” He snorted. “And I wouldn’t be surprised if she came up to me one morning and licked a thumb to wipe a smudge of dirt from my dragon armour before telling me to go and play with my brother.”

Ari hardly suppressed a snort this time, and with a small grin, Kili went on. “What am I supposed to do then?”  
“Maybe act a little more grown up? I don’t know.”  
“Grown up?” Kili snorted in indignation, and louder this time. “I have killed a dragon, how much do I have to grow up? But then, what did I expect? Most boys kill dragons on a daily basis, and armed with naught but wooden swords, to boot.”

It was definitely a tiny chuckle that escaped her this time, and Kili felt himself grin in response. 

**x-x-x**

 

It was on his way back from the cell in which he had locked the rapist that Thorin encountered someone he hadn’t thought about in weeks. He had moved so silently that Thorin had almost run into him as he rounded a corner; Jorundur, however, seemed not the slightest bit surprise at finding Thorin there.

“Jorundur.” Thorin inclined his head. “My apologies.”  
“There is nothing to apologise for, Thorin Oakenshield,” Jorundur replied gently. “But may I ask what you are doing this deep in the mountain?”  
“I am afraid it is not an affair that I can talk about,” Thorin gave back.  
“Ah.” Jorundur weighed his head. “I was rather hoping it had to do with the man who kept yelling for help the whole night about being innocently locked up.”

Thorin narrowed his eyes. “You know of his presence then. I need your word that you tell no one about it.”  
“Very well. But if I may ask, what has he done?”  
Thorin pressed his lips together and crossed his arms. After a moment’s thought, he decided that maybe the Diviner could even be of help. “I need to be sure you will hold your silence.”

Jorundur tilted his head and lifted one eyebrow. The copper beads in his braids glinted in the dim light of Thorin’s lamp.

“Very well.” Thorin looked over his shoulder into the tunnel he had just emerged from. “Tell me, Jorundur.” He faced the Diviner again. “There are wounds that no one can treat, as they do not affect the body. Would you know about treating such wounds?”  
Jorundur pursed his lips. “There are ways,” he said after a moment. “But only ways to help. The healing must come from within.”  
“I understand.” Thorin met the other man’s eyes. “The man claiming being innocently locked up is a rapist.”  
Jorundur narrowed his eyes. “Now I understand,” he said, and sounded as if he had preferred not to. 

“Can you help in this case?”  
“Maybe.” The Diviner weighed his head, making his beads click together. “If she wants to take the offer of help, then we can try and find a way of healing. Wish that it were as easy as treating a physical wound and I could just give her a brew.”  
“Nothing is ever that easy,” Thorin said darkly, and more to himself.   
“Some things are, and some aren’t.” Jorundur smiled mildly. “And while we cannot make hard things easier, it is well in out power to make easy things harder than necessary. Let me speak to this man.”

Thorin hesitated for a moment, but then led Jorundur back into the tunnel and to Gromí’s cell. He unlocked it, as Gromí was still shackled to the wall, and Jorundur entered the tiny room in slow steps.  
Gromí paled when he realised what kind of man was looking at him.

“I see and I smell your fear,” Jorundur said slowly. “Tell me, why does a man who is innocent need to fear the Diviner?”  
“No one believes me anyway,” Gromí rasped and tried to look defiant. A whole night spend shackled spread-eagled to the wall had eaten at his resolve, though, and he didn’t sound very convincing.  
“No,” Jorundur replied and reached out to pluck a hair from Gromí’s beard. “And they shouldn’t, really.”

With that, he left the cell and Thorin locked it behind him. 

“I will see what can be done,” Jorundur said as he and Thorin parted ways. “Let her know that I might be able to help her battle her demons and maybe cage them. Putting them down is not always possible.”  
“I understand.” Thorin nodded. “Thank you.”

Jorundur went back into his cave, the single hair still between his fingers. He settled down on his woven mat and closed his eyes. The candles flickered and their flames danced with the shadows they cast.   
When Jorundur opened his eyes again, he nodded to himself and fetched his silver mirror again. 

With a needle, he drew a drop of blood and covered the hair with it, then wadded it into a tiny ball. He placed it into the centre of the mirror, drew a line of salt around it and with a small stick, set fire to the tiny wad of blood and hair.

“I need to see,” he muttered, eyes closed. “I need a connection. I will do no harm, I want to bring healing.”

When he opened his eyes again and the hair had been reduced to a black speck of ash, he looked into the mirror. He frowned.  
“Blood of Earth,” he muttered after a while and took a deep, heavy breath.

Slowly, and with narrow eyes, Jorundur looked up and across the small cave, at the bowl filled with sand on which a stone rested protected from a circle of flames. The stone had changed colour from white to a dull grey not long after Jorundur had placed it there. Now he looked back and forth between the stone and his mirror and finally, shook his head. “Blood of Earth let me be mistaken. The Mountain will know of it.”

He knelt next to his mat on the naked ground of bedrock and placed all ten fingertips on the ground before him. Humming tonelessly under his breath he closed his eyes.  
When he opened them again, they were filled with deep sadness.

Jorundur silently got up and knelt next to the bowl with the stone. The flames danced around it in the perfect circle he had drawn and they burned steadily and calmly, unaffected by any draught or breath. 

“Light can bring healing,” he muttered under his breath. “But it has to be a very strong light indeed.”

He got up again and went to clean his mirror, then he sat down cross-legged on his mat again and stared at the stone encircled by flames. He drew blood from his finger again and placed three drops in the centre of the mirror, but this time, there was no border of salt around it. Focussing on the stone, Jorundur began to hum under his breath again, tonelessly at first, but at one point, words emerged and echoed hollowly through the tiny cave.

“Bonds Binding  
Untruths Unwinding  
Deeds Done in Darkness  
Harvest of Hate

Love's Light Leaving  
Gone in Grieving  
Tears Telling  
of Shackles Shed

Mourning a Mindless  
Killing of Kindness  
Soul-Stealing Sorrow  
Lifted by Light

Truth be Told  
Hands to Hold  
Sunlight Shines Softly  
on Life and Love”

**x-x-x**

Far above, up in the halls of Erebor, in the part of the royal quarters that were the Prince’s private chambers, Kili handed his wife a cup of tea. As she closed her hands around it, she thanked him with a small, an honest smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The Black Immolators are battlefield berserks and have no further, deeper, hidden or implied meaning. There are no political or religious thoughts or intentions involved whatsoever. This is fanfiction and fantasy, and I hereby claim artistic license.**

Kili and Ari had their dinner in their chambers that evening as neither of them felt like facing a lot of people after a night and a day like this.  
It wasn’t long after the servants had cleared the dishes away that someone knocked at their door, and Kili opened to find his brother and his wife stand in the hallway.

Cylla immediately hurried over to her sister and pulled her into an embrace. “Ari, my dear, can I do something?” She leaned back, already in tears again, and smoothed a few hairs back from Ari’s face. “Is there anything I can do for you?”  
Ari shook her head but leaned against her sister again. “No,” she whispered. “No, it is over now.”  
“But for me it has just begun...” Cylla whispered. “A part of me still refuses to believe it. That you would suffer all those terrible...” Her voice broke. “...terrible things for my sake alone...”  
“I couldn’t...” Ari whispered back.  
“Oh, had it been me!” Cylla buried her face in her sister’s hair.

Ari tore herself away from her sister. “No! No, Cylla don’t even say this! You have no idea!”  
“No I haven’t,” Cylla whispered into her sister’s hair after having pulled her close again. “Thanks to you, I haven’t. But it hurts me to the core of my soul to think of what you must have gone through for my sake.”  
“For your sake, Cylla...” Ari looked up as if she still could meet her sister’s eyes. “We made a promise. Remember?”  
Cylla nodded and smiled through her tears. “That we’d always stay together.”  
“And that we’d do everything for each other,” Ari added. 

They clasped each other’s forearms. 

“One day I’ll be able to give something back to you,” Cylla said softly.  
“Hopefully that day will never come,” Ari replied, wetness soaking through her blindfold. “I did it because I love you. The only thing I want is for you to love me although...” She chocked back a sob. “Although I’ve been so terrible to you and everyone else...”  
Cylla embraced her sister again. “Of course I love you, my little nightingale. But why have you been so locked and so cold? I don’t understand...”  
“I just wanted no one close,” Ari whispered. “I didn’t want to risk anyone finding out what I was hiding. And I used my looks to gain what allies I could, because that way I could still keep them apart from what I was hiding. Only... only after I left home, it didn’t work anymore...”

“No,” Fili said softly. He and his brother had silently and somewhat uncomfortably watched the sisters’ reunion. 

“No,” Fili said again. “Because everyone was guarded after your first words to the prince, and after that, every man you encountered was his kin or his friend. No one forgave you your words and deeds towards him.”  
“I know now...” Ari said, turning her head into his direction. “I know now, but I didn’t know what else to do!”  
“And why did you not talk with your sister after coming here?” Fili shook his head and ignored his brother’s look. “You could have, he wasn’t here anymore!”  
“How was I to know?” Ari’s voice broke under the strain of keeping her tears at bay. “I only knew that there were people who stayed here and more people from Ered Gethrin who came to live in the Mountain, how was I to know that he wasn’t among them? I didn’t care what happened to me or what anyone thought of me, I only cared what would happen to my sister!”

“But if you had told someone we could have protected both of you!” Fili ran both hands through his hair.  
“As if you would have believed me,” Ari whispered. “As if any of you would have believed me! My prince, would you have believed me had I told you? Without interrupting what was happening?”  
“Probably not,” Kili had to admit.  
“You have betrayed everyone in your family and in this mountain,” Fili said darkly.  
“I know.” Ari began to tremble. “I know! I was just hoping for a way out, and when I learned that the contracts had been signed and that they were cross-bound to each other, I knew I was trapped! I had no friends and no allies and no admirers, and everyone hated me but at least they kept away from me so I could keep my secret!”

Ari finally collapsed but Cylla was fast enough to catch her and help her sit down in a chair. Then she looked up at her own husband and for the first time, there was no warmth and love in her eyes. 

“Fili, for Mahal’s sake! Hasn’t she gone through enough already? Can you not just forgive each other and let it rest?”  
“Forgive each other?” Fili’s eyebrows drew together. “How can I forgive her for treating my brother thus and for betraying me and everyone else? And what would I need to have forgiven in return?”  
“Brother, I have already...” Kili tried to interject, but Ari’s toneless whisper cut him short.  
“You threatened me with the most dire consequences if I would ever harm your brother. I never meant to do him any harm.”  
“But you betrayed him nonetheless,” Fili growled. “Trust me, I know how it is to sacrifice yourself for a sibling, but I did my duty for my brother without hurting and lying to everyone around me!”

“Your duty?” Ari lifted her head. “If you sacrificed yourself out of duty and not love then you did the right thing for the wrong reasons.”  
“What do you know about duty?” Fili tried to keep his voice under control, but failed. “You don’t know a thing about duty, you lying, deceitful snake!”  
“Fili!” Cylla yelled.

Fili stared at his wife and suddenly, his shoulders slumped. He was out of the door with two steps and let it fall shut behind him.  
Kili and Cylla exchanged a tired, unhappy look. 

“I’m so sorry...” Ari covered her face with her hands. “And now I have driven a wedge between you and Fili, too...”  
“You did nothing of the sort,” Cylla gave back calmly. “I still love him, and he still loves me, but I believe he despises you far more than he has any right to.”  
“Maybe he has,” Ari whispered.  
“No.” Cylla ran a hand through her sister’s hair. “And that’s the last I will hear of it.”

After a few moments of silence, Kili walked over to the table and sat down beside Ari. “I think my brother is still battling his own demons,” he said.  
“I know he has nightmares, he cannot keep it hidden from me, no matter how hard he tries,” Cylla said and sat down as well. “And my guess is that it is about his near-death in the goblin caves.”  
“He has never talked about it to me,” Kili said slowly. “And as far as I know, not to anyone else, either. I didn’t even know it was that sore a spot before Ari touched it.”

Ari silently dropped her head.

“But I think I know how I can help him,” Kili said after a moment. “So I am going to do it.”  
“And what would that be?” Cylla looked at him questioningly.  
“Back when... after what happened, and I thought I’d lost him, I made myself and him a promise,” Kili said in a low voice. “I swore that one day, I would come back with an army and wipe every single one of those creatures from the face of the earth. And Mahal help me, I will go this summer and fulfil that promise.”

**x-x-x**

Getting the King to agree was surprisingly easy, Kili thought, but then, maybe it shouldn’t have surprised him at all that Fili wished for revenge as much as his brother did. 

Kili personally travelled to the Iron Hills and Ered Gethrin and sent messengers to Ered Luin. He spent most of his days planning and organizing the campaign together with Balin and Dwalin who had the most experience in these matters. Fili and Thorin – who, as opposed to the Durin brothers, was not overly zealous for this campaign – got the troops together for Erebor.  
And a week before Summer Solstice, both the armies from Ered Gethrin and the Iron Hills arrived. The messenger from Ered Luin had come back saying that their troops would join them in the mountains on the High Pass.

So with everything in place, the army was ready to set out the day before Midsummer.

Kili spent the evening before that in Fili’s quarters were the whole family had gathered for a last meal together. There was little to no laughter despite Kili’s reassurances that a few goblins had nothing to resist an army of this size.

“It’s not a few goblins,” Thorin said, as he had many times before. “You have been in those caves, there must be at least a thousand.”  
“And we have hundreds of trained, skilled warriors in armour.” Kili took a sip of his drink. “Each one of those dwarves will easily outweigh at least ten goblins in force of arms.”  
“You sound far too confident of your victory.” Thorin shook his head.  
Kili shot him a sour look.  
“I thought that by now both of you would have more sense than engaging in a personal vendetta and risking many a good dwarf’s life for your vengeance.”

“We’ve been over this.” Fili crossed his arms. “I will have the goblins out of those caves and hills. Just think of how much easier the trade will get if the High Pass is no longer infested with goblins.”  
“Yes, we have been over this.” Thorin cast his nephew a look of disapproval. “And it won’t last long. Within a few years, they will have re-settled the caves.”  
“We have a dozen Black Immolators.” Kili crossed his legs under the table. “They came from Ered Gethrin.”

Thorin fell silent and stared at Kili as if he had never seen him before. “You have what?”  
“You heard me.”  
“Kili, there’s a reason this practise has been banned centuries ago.”  
“Obviously the people from Ered Gethrin weren’t aware of the ban”, Kili replied. “And now there’s a reason to use them again.”  
“Kili, have you any notion of how dangerous these dwarrow are?”  
“Oh, I do. I spoke with them. The most dangerous dwarrow that walk Middle Earth.” Then Kili leaned forward and placed both arms onto the table, an unusual display of his mutilated left arm. “Until the Dragonslayer.”

“Kili stop acting like a boy who’s made his first kill in hunting!” Thorin snapped. “Have you listened to yourself?”  
“Do you listen to yourself, Thorin?” Kili narrowed his eyes. “I spoke to them, and these most dangerous dwarrow of Middle Earth, they who are afraid of nothing and no one, have suddenly found someone they could fear.”  
“You,” his mother said tonelessly.  
“Yes, me.” Kili looked at his hand and at the stump of his left arm. “I can’t say I’m overly happy about it, but on the other hand, I can command them when no one else can. They will not run wild and kill our soldiers. I will have them out of the battle until the very end.”

Thorin silently crossed his arms. Everyone else around the table had watched this exchange with growing anxiety. The stories about the Black Immolators were told to scare children, ghost stories of a past long gone by. Stories about the dwarrow in black leather armour, their faces painted black for battle. Warriors so fierce and fearless that they would not hesitate to take their own life to take with them everyone around them, their armour packed with the explosive powder that went into firebombs.

The rest of the evening passed by in an uncomfortable atmosphere of worried silence.

_x-x-x_

When Ari emerged from her quarters the next morning, entering the hearth chamber where Kili was waiting for her as every morning, he could see that she was not wearing her blindfold. He also could see that she had been crying.

“Ari?”  
“I have dropped it somewhere,” Ari said silently. “I can’t find it.”

Kili went to hunt for it, and when he had found it, he returned to the hearth chamber and handed it to Ari who took it, but made no move to put it on. 

“Ari? What is the matter?”  
“I am worried, my prince.”  
“Worried about me?”  
She silently nodded.

“Ari.” Kili took one of her hands in his. “I will come back.”  
“You believe that, do you?”  
“Of course I believe it!” Kili laughed under his breath. “Little chance of winning the war if you start out believing you can’t win.”  
“But you seem reckless and overly sure of your victory.”  
“Overly sure? Reckless?” Kili grinned. “I’ve heard these words before.” But then his face and tone were serious again. “Ari, I promise I will be back. The only interest I have is to help my brother put his nightmares to rest. This is not about land or resources, not about honour and valour. Safety of roads, maybe, but all I want is the Goblin King’s head.”

Ari hung her head and ran her fingers over the embroidery on the black silk in her hands.  
“Why is me returning so important to you, anyway?” Kili’s voice was low and gentle now. “Not so long ago, I could have imagined, you’d have been more than happy had I not returned.”  
“You know that as well as I do.” Ari closed her eyes. “We no longer hate each other, and for a reason I cannot fathom, you are the only soul, apart from my sister, that I can trust.”

Kili slowly reached out and placed his hand against her cheek. Her words caused him an uncomfortable feeling of tightness. “I promise I will take care of myself.”  
“That’s all I can ask.” She looked up again, her beautiful silver eyes restlessly shifting.  
Kili ran his thumb across her cheekbone and Ari closed her eyes again. Dropping his hand, Kili took a step back and reached for her arm. “Shall we go?”  
Ari put her blindfold on, took his arm and nodded.

Outside the mountain, the three armies had already gathered and were ready to march. There was Dolgar of Ered Gethrin and there was Daín Ironfoot from the Iron Hills. And then there was Kili Dragonslayer who had now mounted as well, wearing the whole attire this time, for the first time after he had been gifted with it by the people of Bard. 

Not only was he wearing the dragon armour with the cape of the leathery skin of the dragon’s wings, but also the helmet, made from the crest of Smaug’s eyebrow, and the shield that was one of the largest spiked scales from the dragon’s back. As the wind stirred his leather cape and he rose in his stirrups to give the signal to depart, he looked both awe-inspiring and fearsome. 

The army set off, and once the noise had abated and the dust had cleared, the remaining dwarrow returned into the mountain. Cylla had taken her sister’s arm to lead her, but Ari could not explain, neither to her sister nor to herself, why she was crying and could not seem to stop.


	15. Chapter 15

As days passed and grew into weeks Cylla watched her sister become more and more withdrawn and silent, even more so than ever before. Somehow Cylla had an inkling about the cause however, but she could neither confirm nor dismiss it. Ari kept her thoughts to herself, no matter how much Cylla tried to get her sister to talk about what was ailing her.

It was Cylla now who took care of Ari, fetching her in the mornings and accompanying her to her chambers at night and sitting beside her at mealtimes to help her eat just the way Kili had done. But no matter what she tried, Cylla could not breach the gap between Ari and Fili, and she had no explanation why Fili still was so cold and angry towards her younger sister as he refused to speak about anything regarding his brother’s marriage in general and Ari herself in particular.

And since Cylla could think of no one else she could unburden her mind with, she visited her mother-in-law one evening after she had brought Ari to her chambers.

“My dear Cylla.” Dís welcomed her warmly despite the late hour. “You look troubled.”  
“I am troubled, Mother Dís.” Cylla sat down on the indicated chair with a nod. “A good many people are these days.”  
“But it is not the campaign you would want to talk about now, is it?” Dís sat down herself after handing Cylla a cup of tea.  
“Not as such.” Cylla stared into the fireplace and watched the flames lick over the pieces of wood. “What weighs on my mind is my sister, ever since the army left for the Misty Mountains.”

Dís was silent for a moment while sipping her tea. “What about her?” She asked finally.  
“I am sure you have noticed it as well. She is even more silent and withdrawn than she has ever been. She is... she is sad, I think, and afraid, but she refuses to talk to me, and I don’t know why.”  
“Yes, I did notice.” Dís looked at her daughter-in-law and a small smile appeared on her lips as Cylla looked up to meet her eyes. “She, too, is worried about the campaign.”  
“That doesn’t account for...” Cylla broke off and frowned. “She’s not worried about the campaign itself, now. Is she?”

Dís lifted her eyebrows. “If so, then what would she be so worried about?”  
“I think I know.” Cylla took a sip of her own tea. “She was crying for days after they left.”  
“Crying?” Now Dís was a little surprised. “I never saw her cry.”  
“She never did in public. Only at night, after I had brought her to her chambers. But she didn’t tell me why. I’m not sure if she really couldn’t; because she didn’t know, or if she didn’t want to know.”  
“Know what?” Dís asked gently.

Cylla met her eyes again. “I somehow feel that you seem to know as much as I do, or have been thinking along the same lines as I have.” She sighed. “I guess she discovered that she does not hate her husband anymore.”  
Dís smiled sadly and shook her head. “I think they stopped hating each other the day Ari lost her eyesight and Kili began to take care of her.”  
Cylla nodded. “And now?”  
“I wouldn’t know.” Dís looked at Cylla again still with that sad smile on her lips. “But my guess is that Ari could finally accept Kili as what he is, not judge him by his looks.”

Cylla looked at Dís and the two women exchanged a very long look.

“Kili is an honourable man,” Dís finally said. “A true Son of Durin. He is honest and loyal and he has a good heart.” Then she sighed. “He also has a bright spirit and a mischievous sense of humour, but I haven’t seen much of that ever since the dragon.”  
“Can it be that they realised the night of... the night when Kili...” Cylla swallowed hard and closed her eyes. “That it was then they realised?”  
“I believe that to be the case.” Dís stared into her teacup. “I couldn’t help but notice that there suddenly seemed to be some sort of understanding between them. Maybe losing her eyesight has enabled your sister to see Kili as the man he really is.”

“I wish I had known him before the dragon,” Cylla whispered softly. “Fili keeps telling me stories of times gone by, of their childhood and of their journey to Erebor, too. According to him, Kili must have been quite a rascal, but an irresistible one.”  
Dís smiled wistfully into the flames. “A reckless hothead more often than a rascal,” she said with a chuckle. “But he could bring a smile to a dead man’s face if he wanted.” The smile died, and Dís’s eyes misted with feeling. “I miss him,” she whispered. “I miss that young reckless hothead with the impish smile. What remained of him after the dragon bears little resemblance to the spirited young man who left me five years ago. And with _resemblance_ I don’t mean his physical scars.”

“Ari was the sweetest girl I knew,” Cylla said, her voice husky. “She was sweet and gentle and kind. She loved to sing, and she had the loveliest voice that brought even grizzled old warriors to tears. I have never heard her sing again after her coming of age, and I have never...” She broke off with a sob. “How could I...”  
“Cylla,” Dís interrupted her gently. “You sensed that something was wrong, but she did not want you to know. She wanted no one to know. She deliberately kept everything a secret. I am sure that at one point, or several times even, you tried to find out, only to be rebuked by her.”  
Cylla nodded mutely.  
“Please do not blame yourself.” Dís placed a hand on her arm. “The only one to blame is the man who made her so afraid that he could use her fears to break her.”

Cylla nodded again and after a deep sigh, she shook her head. “I know it’s not going to happen, but I somehow wish... I wish they could somehow find each other, find healing in each other. Mahal knows both of them have had their share of suffering and know about sacrifice and invisible scars.”  
“True.” Dís met Cylla’s eyes as the latter looked up. “And I think this is already beginning to happen. If you think about more, however, then I have to say I don’t believe it possible. Not after the way they started. How could they fall in love all of a sudden?”  
Cylla closed her eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just want my sister to be happy again.”  
“Of course you do. As much as I want my son to be happy again.”

“But even if what you say is true, why is Ari crying so much since Kili is gone?”  
“I wouldn’t know. But if she has fallen in love with him then I can only feel sorry for her, because I am sure that after what has transpired between them, Kili will no longer be able to trust her with his heart. Because being a Son of Durin also brings with it stubbornness and pride.”  
Cylla looked up again into Dís’s eyes. “So there is no hope for them?”  
“For their souls, maybe.” Dís shook her head with a sorrowful smile. “But not for their hearts.”

**x-x-x**

The height of summer had passed and the first harvests had begun when the armies returned to Erebor. As on their way towards the Misty Mountains they had skirted the Mirkwood to the north and made for the Lonely Mountain with the sinking sun at their back. A solitary rider had broken free from their ranks however and headed for the gates of Erebor in a straight gallop. 

A heavy leather bag slung across his shoulder, Kili dismounted and winced as his feet hit the ground. He had received a minor injury – a goblin sword had grazed his left thigh – but he would not let himself be impaired by a wound that was hardly more than a scratch. 

Walking with a slight limp he made his way through the gates amidst cheers and shouts, and with a proud smile, he headed to the throne hall as swiftly as he could. 

Since Kili had not announced his arrival with a sentry the news reached Fili only moments before Kili entered the hall, and sitting on his throne he watched his brother approach, still clad in his dragon armour, but carrying his helmet under his left arm. In his right hand he held a large, leather wrapped bundle and he bore an expression of victorious pride. 

Fili felt a grin grow on his face as his brother approached him.  
“The Dragonslayer is back from the war. What news, brother?”  
“Fili, my king and my brother.”Kili bowed his head. “I bring good news. The goblins have been all but vanquished, the goblin caves emptied. And with the help of the honourable Black Immolators from Ered Gethrin, most of the caverns have been destroyed, as well. If you so wish, we could establish a garrison up there to guard the High Pass in future.”  
“You used the Immolators as bombs to destroy the caves?” Fili frowned.  
“Not exactly.” Kili had a smug expression on his face. “When the last forces of the goblins rallied against us I had our warriors retreat, drawing the goblins out behind us. Then, before they could emerge, I sent the Immolators in. That took care of the last of their numbers and the exits simultaneously.”  
“A shrewd, but dangerous move.” Fili eyed his brother up. “But successful in the end. Well done.”

Kili bowed again and looked up at his brother, meeting Fili’s eyes.

“I also brought a gift for you, brother,” he said, his voice earnest and all humour gone from his eyes.   
“A gift from the Misty Mountains?” Fili’s frown reappeared. “And what would that be?”

Kili strode forward and dropped the heavy leather bundle. He let go of the ends that had been twisted together in his hand and the leather unwrapped, revealing the head of the goblin king.

For a long, silent moment, Fili seemed as if he was carved from the same stone as the throne he sat upon. Then, with movements so slow as if he was underwater, he got up and descended the steps from his throne, coming to a halt before his brother without ever taking his eyes off Kili’s.

Then Fili looked down at the severed head of his nemesis before him.

“Thank you,” he said softly, his voice hoarse. “I cannot tell you how many nights I could find no rest, burning with shame and rage and wishing futilely for vengeance. Seeing this, I can feel that the fire that consumed me has finally been doused.” He looked up and met his brother’s eyes. “Thank you, brother. You saved my life from the dragon, and now you have given me back the piece of my soul that I lost that day.”  
“The day you gave your life so I could be spared.” Kili met his brother’s sapphire eyes. “And I made an oath to myself that I would spend this gift you have given me... your final gift, my life... that I would use it well. And even if bringing you this had cost me my life I would still know I have used it well.”

Fili’s eyes filled with moisture and he pulled his brother into a fierce embrace. Kili closed his arms around his brother and pressed his cheek against Fili’s. When they stepped away from each other they clasped hands with each other, and Kili allowed his brother for the first time to touch his left arm.  
When Fili let go, there was a light in his eyes that Kili hadn’t seen in a very long time.

After giving his brother a nod, Fili turned around to address one of his guards. “Take this,” he said and pointed at the severed head. “I want this embalmed. Once the garrison on the High Pass is finished, this will decorate the ramparts above the main gate. Let these creatures know that no one assails Durin’s Folk with impunity!” Then he turned to Kili and draped an arm around his shoulders. “Come, I know a few people who will be delighted to see you. This calls for a celebration!”

As they headed down towards the royal quarters Fili noticed his brother’s limp. 

“Did one of those bastards get you?” he asked, unable to keep the worry from his voice.  
“Yes, but it’s just a scratch. Didn’t go deep, it’s already stitched and bound. It’ll be healed in no time.”  
Fili gave his brother a nod, still smiling. 

When they had reached the Queen’s Hall Fili knocked at the door and winked at his brother with a grin. 

The door was opened by one of Dís’s ladies who stared at the King, then at Kili, and shrieked. “The Dragonslayer!”

Inside the hall, several things happened at once. Several women jumped up from their chairs, Cylla and Dís dropped their sewing and headed for the open door simultaneously, but Dís beat the younger woman in reaching the prince and pulled Kili into an embrace, dragon armour and all. 

When she leaned back, she smiled through her tears and smoothed the hair back from Kili’s face. “You can’t believe how good it is to see you!”  
“I do believe you, mother,” Kili replied with a laugh. “I told you not to worry so much about a gaggle of ugly goblins.”  
“Mothers always worry.” Dís wiped her eyes and smiled proudly at her younger son. “I thought you should know that by now.”

“Kili placed a kiss on his mother’s forehead. “I do, mother. But I’m back. And I brought a gift for Fili, too.”  
“What kind of gift?” Dís stepped back to allow Cylla to greet her brother-in-law.  
After giving Cylla a chaste kiss on the cheek, Kili stepped beside his brother again, looking at him expectantly.   
Fili looked at his brother, eyes shining brightly, before facing his mother and wife again. “He brought me the head of the goblin King.”

Cylla looked up at him, and Fili put an arm around her and pulled her close. Dís gave her younger son an approving nod, her eyes shining with pride.   
Kili looked back and forth between his brother and her, and finally, looked past his mother inside the hall. He saw Ari stand beside her chair, and she seemed to have gotten up in such haste that she had toppled her spinning wheel over. But without sight, she had been forced to remain where she was. 

Kili walked slowly up to her after handing his brother his helmet.

“My princess,” he said and took one of Ari’s hands in his to bring it to his lips.  
“My prince.” Her voice was trembling slightly, but otherwise her composure was as unmoving as ever. “The news of your victory gladdens my heart.”  
“I would have brought you a gift as well, but I figured that you wouldn’t appreciate a severed goblin head as much as my brother does.”  
Her lips remained closed, but Kili could see a twitch at the corners of her mouth. Then she cleared her throat. “Having you back unharmed and victorious is the only gift I want.”  
“Well, not completely unharmed, I’m afraid, but it’s just a small cut and will have vanished within a few days.”

Ari nodded and Kili let go of her hand. He wasn’t sure if he had imagined her fingers trembling in his hand, but he knew she was jumpy and fearful and he had barged into the hall without so much as a by-your-leave. He took her arm instead.

“We will be having a celebration,” he said.” Will you join me?”  
“Gladly,” Ari replied, and she followed him out of the hall. 

**x-x-x**

They held a private celebration in the King’s personal quarters that evening before Kili left Erebor again to meet with his troops and lead them home.   
The armies arrived around midmorning the next day, so close to their destination they had marched through the night. This time Kili was in the lead accompanied by Daín and Dolgar and an envoy from Ered Luin that Kili had asked for so the King could give Ered Luin his thanks at least through him and not only a written letter.

Dís had informed the kitchens the day before that an impromptu feast was to be held, and so the exhausted warriors of the three dwarven armies could be welcomed with food and ale.   
They had buried their dead, not more than two dozen, properly in the mountains they had fallen to protect, close to the place that the three leaders of the army had decided would be the best location for the garrison. Most of the wounded were not in too bad a shape, either, so the victory was celebrated accordingly. A lot of full barrels of ale rolled out of the gates of Erebor that day.

Daín and his troops set out for the Iron Hills the next morning, as well as Dolgar’s troops that headed south to Ered Gethrin. Dolgar had politely refused an offer to stay for a while in Erebor, he wanted to see his men home himself. He had, however, gladly accepted an invitation for the celebrations on Durin’s Day.  
Before he left, however, Thorin walked over to Dolgar and took him aside.

“I gather you have come to ask about our common acquaintance,” Dolgar said with a grim smile.  
“Indeed. What about him?”  
“Oh, it was a tragedy.” Dolgar brushed a speck of imaginary dust off his armour. “There was a cave-in, one of the lower tunnels collapsed and was flooded. He’d been down there to investigate the beams and drowned. Tragic really. Our thoughts are with his family.”  
Thorin nodded in satisfaction. “Should Ari know about it?”  
“The Prince knows,” Dolgar gave back. “At one point, I gather, she should know, but with discretion.”  
“Of course. Maybe it’s best if she never learns.”  
“Maybe.” Dolgar gave Thorin a nod and heaved himself into the saddle. “And maybe she should and it will help her rest. I have faith in your and the Prince’s judgement in this.”

Thorin nodded again and bade him farewell, and Dolgar left him after another promise to be back for Durin’s Day. 

**x-x-x**

For a few days after Kili’s return, everything returned to normal, the shared mealtimes in the hall and the brother’s duties in the throne hall.   
Yet the limp remained and the wound kept giving Kili trouble. It was a week after his return when Kili noticed that the wound was getting worse; and a look under the bandage that evening confirmed his suspicion that it probably had gone septic. He resolved to go to the Halls of Healing the next day after his duties had ended, but when he awoke in the morning he felt lightheaded, hot and his leg hurt even more. 

He forgot about the throne room and his duties and, after having summoned a servant to guide his wife to the great hall for breakfast, limped to the Halls of Healing where he gratefully collapsed onto the cot that the healer pointed at. She didn’t need to tell Kili that he was feverish.

His worst fears were confirmed when the healer removed the bandages to reveal the wound, some of the stitches burst under the strain of the swollen tissue. The wound was surrounded by a large area of bright, angry red skin, and from the gaps of the burst stitches oozed a smelly, yellowish liquid. 

Kili and the healer exchanged a worried look upon uncovering the wound. 

“I don’t understand,” Kili said. “The wound was cleaned and bound with clean bandages.”  
“I guess the goblin blade was more filthy than was visible to the eye,” the healer said and inspected the wound. “I’m afraid we have to open it and clean it out again.”  
“Do what you must,” Kili gave back and gritted his teeth as she cautiously touched one of the stitches that were still in place. “And please send a messenger to my mother.”

Dís immediately dropped everything she was doing upon hearing that her son was sick and was at his side as fast as she could. She, too, was taken aback by the sight of the wound that had, according to Kili, been no more than a shallow cut to begin with. The healers had given him some laudanum for the pain and cleaned the wound thoroughly, but with nightfall Kili was stricken by fever again.

His mother stayed at his bed throughout the night, and when the healer came back the next morning and Kili was still fevered, a look at the wound confirmed their greatest fear:   
From the angry red swelling around the infected cut, a few red stripes had started to crawl up Kili’s leg.


	16. Chapter 16

By now, Fili had also been informed that Kili’s wound was the reason he hadn’t shown up in the throne hall the day before. He entered the small chamber where he found his brother in bed and his mother sitting beside him.

“Mother.” He nodded in greeting. “Kili. I heard your wound was giving you troubles. Didn’t you say it was not much?”  
“It wasn’t, to begin with.” Kili didn’t look up. “It was just a shallow cut, it didn’t even bleed that much. It was cleaned and stitched and bound and everything and now it has gone septic.”  
“Filthy goblin blades,” Fili muttered in disgust. “How are you, then?”

Kili exchanged a look with his mother.  
“We’re worried,” Dís said slowly. “Kili has had several attacks of fever, and the wound looks bad. The healers are afraid of blood poisoning.”  
“Blood poisoning.” Fili pressed his lips together and looked at his brother who, in turn, just stared at his blanket. “By Mahal’s mercy, what can we do?”  
“You can do nothing.” Dís sighed. “And I can do nothing, either. The healers will do what they can.”

Fili nodded and stepped to the bed to give his brother a pat on the shoulder. Kili shook his head without looking at him, and Fili dropped his hand again and curled it into a fist. After a nod to his mother he left, and found himself unable to go back to his duties just like this.  
He did not need to be one of the healers to know what fate awaited his brother if they were not able to get the infection under control and the wound would cause blood poisoning. There was only one way to save his life then, and Fili shuddered even to think of it.

Lost in his brooding he didn’t really watch where he was going and upon rounding a corner, ran into Balin who carried a stack of paperwork. Sheets of paper sailed through the air and settled gently on the ground again, spaced out across the hallway.

“My apologies, Balin.” Fili hastily bent down to gather the fallen papers up. “I didn’t watch where I was going.”  
“Ah, don’t worry, lad.” Balin picked up a few sheets himself. “It’s not as if I’m in a hurry with these things, and most are for you, anyway.”  
Fili’s eyes chanced upon one of the sheets. “Thranduil? What does he want?”  
“Nothing, yet.” Balin looked at Fili with a small flick of his head. “It’s basic diplomacy.”  
“I see.” Something nudged Fili’s mind and he kept staring at the letter. “Diplomacy.” Then it hit him.

“Balin, I need a messenger. I need someone to go to Mirkwood and make a request.”  
Balin slowly looked up, taking in Fili’s wide-eyed expression and his agitated look.   
“Immediately. Balin, can you go? You are my best negotiator.”  
“Whatever for, lad?” Balin was completely taken off guard and just shook his head.  
“Come with me.” The older dwarf’s arm in a firm, unrelenting grip, Fili towed Balin towards his study. 

**x-x-x**

The news of Kili’s ailment had spread quickly and a lot of people came by during the day to offer support and a few friendly words. Yet Kili hardly acknowledged his visitors and kept staring grimly at his leg.

The healer who was taking care of Kili was named Fjola, a kind and soft spoken, middle-aged woman whose every move showed the efficiency of many years of practise. She had cleansed the wound the day before, but when she had a look at it again she shook her head with a frown.

“The infection hasn’t spread, at least, but it doesn’t look better, either,” she said and looked up at Kili. “I’m afraid I have to open the wound again, deeper this time, and clean it out again.”  
Kili nodded. “Do whatever you must.” His voice was slightly unsteady and Fjola narrowed her eyes.  
“My prince, you have a fever. I hate to say it, but it doesn’t look good.”  
“Just do it!” Kili snapped at her, and let his head drop back onto his pillow. “Forgive me.”  
“By all means.” Fjola spread out her tools on a small table with wheels. “Yell at me all you like, and call me all the names you want. I don’t mind, I’ve had worse. And what I’m about to do will hurt.”

She walked up to Kili, holding out a leather strap with an absolutely calm and matter-of-fact expression. Kili opened his mouth, took the leather strap between his teeth and nodded. Dís took one of his hands, and they watched as Fjola strapped both of Kili’s legs to the mattress after placing a sheet under the left thigh.

She readied a stack of rags at her left hand and then came back with a sharp, narrow knife and a tourniquet that she tied around his leg above the wound. “I will cut now,” she said and didn’t tarry after that. She opened the wound, and this time, made the incision wider and deeper than the shallow cut it had been to begin with.  
Dís watched her son bear his pain silently; he bit down on the leather and sweat trickled down his temple, but all he did was breathe heavily through his nose. An occasional grunt was the only sound he made.

Fjola kept wiping the blood away with the rags at hand and inspected the wound closely. Then she rinsed the wound with a herbal concoction that made Kili hiss through gritted teeth. She repeated the process several times, and when she was finally finished and had wrapped a poultice around the thigh, Kili was drenched in sweat. 

Fjola took the leather strip and nodded. “I will leave this over night,” she said as she unfastened the leather belts that had fixated Kili’s legs. “Do not attempt to walk. If you need to relieve yourself, you have to ask for help.”  
Kili stared at her, eyes burning with fever and cheeks burning in shame.  
Dís closed her hand around his shoulder. “There’s no help for it. I’ll be here.”  
Kili took a deep breath and watched Fjola clean and tidy up everything. “You’ve been here all day and the night before.”  
“And I can be here for another night”, she answered. “I’ve spent my share of nights sitting at the beds of ill children. The fact that the child is now grown changes little.”

“We can bring you a pallet to sleep,” Fjola fell in. “You need to rest, too.”  
“I would greatly appreciate that,” Dís replied. “Thank you.”

But despite all the healer’s efforts, by nightfall Kili’s fever had returned and by now he was burning. He muttered words under his breath that Dís couldn’t understand, and kept tossing his head to and fro. Fjola checked on him several times during the evening, but his state did not change.   
Dís sat with him through the night, cooling his face and coaxing him to drink the herbal concoction Fjola had left, to battle the fever, but to no avail. 

Kili’s pale face had taken on a greyish hue by the time Fjola came back the next morning; his hair was plastered to his forehead and his lips were cracked. She shook her head with a sad, heavy sigh and checked on the wound. 

“It is as I feared,” she said softly. The red stripes had re-appeared. “I am afraid we have to...”  
“Don’t even think about it!” Kili’s hoarse and strained voice was sharp as a whiplash, despite his exhaustion.  
“My Prince...” Fjola began.  
“No! I said, don’t! I’m not going to let you cripple me further, I’d rather die!”  
“Kili...” his mother said gently.  
“NO!”

“Kili, please listen.” Dís wiped the wet hairs from his forehead. “Kili, you cannot refuse the treatment that will save your life.”  
“What life?” His burning, one-eyed stare wet his mother’s eyes. “What kind of life? Am I not already crippled enough?”  
“But you will...”  
“I know!” Kili growled, and his head fell back into the pillow. “And I don’t care. Leave me alone!”  
“Kili...”  
“I said, leave me alone! All of you!”

Fjola gently took Dís’s arm and steered her out of the room. 

“He needs time to come to terms with it,” she said softly after she had closed the door. “For him, it is especially hard as he already lost so much. But it cannot be helped.”  
“I know,” Dís said and shook her head. “But it tears my heart out.”  
“Of course it would.” Fjola’s voice was gentle and soft. “What mother could watch her child suffer like this? But he is strong, in body and in spirit. I am sure he will make it through.”

Dís nodded absentmindedly and left Fjola to her devices. She needed a rest, and she needed someone to unburden her mind. For as opposed to Fjola, she was in no doubt whatsoever that when Kili had said he’d rather die than lose his leg, he had meant it.

**x-x-x**

After a few hours of fitful sleep Dís left her chambers again to find her brother. As it turned out, Thorin was with Fili in the King’s study, going through paperwork, and after Dís had told them with a heavy heart, fighting for her composure the entire time, what the healer had told her, all three of them made their way to the Halls of Healing.  
Kili refused to see anyone. He told them bluntly to go and leave him, and nothing any of the three said changed his mind. So they left him be, in the hopes that he eventually would come around.

But Kili refused to see anyone for the next day as well. No one, not even his brother, was allowed to enter his room. The healers told them that his state was worsening, and they met in Fili’s chambers that evening, but there was little comfort to be found.   
As they were waiting for Fili, Thorin and Dís to arrive Cylla told her sister what Fili had told her, and when Ari heard about the hopelessness of Kili’s situation she slowly sat down and removed her silken blindfold, to avoid it getting soaked as the tears slid down her cheeks.

Cylla sat down beside her and took one of her hands. “Ari, my dear. Fili and Thorin have checked the contracts, and if Kili should die you will still be provided for. Fili and I can remain together, too, and you can stay here with me, if you want.”  
Ari nodded and tried to smile. She failed utterly and her tears did not stop.   
“Ari...” Cylla let go of her sister’s hand and draped an arm around her “You have grown somewhat fond of him after all, haven’t you?” she asked gently.  
Ari covered her eyes with one hand and shook her head.

“My nightingale...” Cylla pulled her closer. “But you do not hate him anymore, do you?”  
“I never hated him,” Ari whispered. “I never did, not even in that first moment. When I saw him it was a shock but not... not only because of how scarred he was.” She swallowed. “I saw him and realised... that I could... that he was a man who could keep me safe. Could have, if only...” She choked on a sob she tried to suppress. “If only I had been... but I couldn’t... I couldn’t!”

Cylla ran a hand down Ari’s back. Her voice was a little strained as well, as it was whenever she tried to talk about what Ari had been through for her sake.“You kept him at a distance like everyone else so you could keep your secret.”  
Ari nodded mutely.   
“So you did not hate him.”  
“Never. But I couldn’t trust him, as I could trust no one.” Ari pressed her hands together and wedged them between her thighs. “Only when I was forced to because of... because of this...” She broke off and shook her head. 

Cylla kept on gently rubbing her back. They sat in silence for a while when all of a sudden, Ari burst into tears. She fell against her sister and buried her face in Cylla’s shoulder.

“I never hated him,” Ari sobbed. “I never hated him, and he saved me! Mahal forgive me, he saved me! Just as I had believed when I first saw him... he saved me... and he kept me safe... and I could trust him as I could trust no one else, not even you, but why? Cylla, why?”  
Cylla had no answer to that and just closed her arms around her sister, closing her eyes to fight her own tears.  
“He protected me despite believing I had betrayed him!” Ari almost chocked on her sobs. “I know he did it for his brother.... but still... I had no right... no right whatsoever! He kept me safe from... from all the gossip and all the slander and humiliation, and he kept me safe from... he saved me and I... I never could...”  
“Ari...” Cylla pressed a kiss into her sister’s hair. “No one blames you any longer...”

“It was the first time in my life since... since he... since I was...” Ari gasped for air and shook like a sapling in a storm. “The first time I felt safe... I felt safe beside him, and I couldn’t even tell him! What if he dies? What am I going to do?”  
“He is not dead yet, and as far as I’m aware, he’s not yet dying, either.”  
“But he doesn’t want to live...” Ari’s voice was bleak with hopelessness and despair. “And I understand. I don’t blame him. Not the leg, too. I just wish...” She broke off and froze.  
“Ari?”  
Ari remained silent and still as a stone.  
“Ari, please... what is it?”

After a long silence, Ari took a shaky breath. “I wish...” she whispered tonelessly. “If it was Fili, he’d fight, and he would hold on, for your sake. But... but I’m not like you, Cylla.” Another sob shook her “I’m not like you... nothing could make him hold on for me. I have no... I have no right to ask it of him.”  
“But Ari...”  
“I have caused him nothing but pain,” Ari whispered hoarsely. “I have no right to ask anything of him.”

Cylla held her little sister close and let her sob. When Ari began to calm somewhat and Cylla leaned back to brush a few hairs from her sister’s face, both of them almost jumped out of their skin when someone suddenly cleared their throat.

Cylla was on her feet in an instant and stared at the door that was open. She had not even heard it. “Fili?”  
“I’m sorry for eavesdropping,” Fili said slowly. “But we didn’t want to interrupt...”  
Cylla looked at her sister who sat hunched over and turned to stone. “It’s not me you should apologize to,” she whispered.  
Fili nodded slowly and walked past her. Behind him stood Dís and Thorin, and all three of them had unwillingly been witness to Ari’s tearful confessions.

“Ari?” Fili halted before her and cautiously took one of her hands. “I’m sorry, we didn’t eavesdrop on purpose. We didn’t want to interrupt, and we couldn’t help... well, the damage is done. But please, come with us. Kili has...” Fili took a deep breath. “Kili has asked to see us. All of us.”  
“He’s dying,” Ari muttered tonelessly. She wiped the back off her hand across her eyes and put her blindfold on.  
Fili did not reply, and Ari followed the tug of his hand. 

**x-x-x**

Kili opened his eyes when his family entered his room, but remained silent. His face was pale, his eyes were red-rimmed, sunken and deeply shadowed and his lips were cracked and dry. His left leg was covered by a long half-tube of wicker to prevent anything from touching the infected and sensitive limb and the blanket covered both legs, so the damage was not visible. Yet Kili’s complexion said all there was to know.

Fili knelt by his side and placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Kili, please...”  
Kili slowly turned his head. “Please what?” His voice was so hoarse and laborious it made everyone wince.  
“Please don’t die and leave us all alone,” Fili said softly. “What are we going to do without you?”  
“Go on, what else?.” Kili rested his head back into his pillow again and closed his eyes. “The... mountain will not collapse... because of me.”  
“Kili, don’t do this to me,” Fili begged, his voice strained. “Brother...please! I didn’t save your life so you could throw it away now! That’s not a well spent gift!”

Kili slowly turned his head again, his one seeing eye giving Fili a look of utter betrayal. “Is that the only thing you can think of?” He grimaced in pain and his right arm twitched. “That I am supposed to live on because of what you did?”  
“Kili, I didn’t...”  
“I never asked you to stand before me,” Kili rasped, his eye burning. “I was ready to die for our cause...”  
“So was I,” Fili replied huskily.  
“Yes, but you are Durin’s heir. I was... I’m just... I’m just Kili. And that’s why you did it, didn’t you? Because you thought I couldn’t hold it.”  
“Kili, please... That’s not true...”

“Isn’t it?” A small gasp of pain escaped Kili and he closed his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. It makes...” He groaned and after a moment, went on, his voice even more strained than before. “You did it, and we both have our nightmares to deal with.”  
“And the dragon surely was...”  
“I’m not talking about the dragon.” Kili’s right arm twitched again and he grimaced. “I’m talking about watching you die. Watching you hacked to pieces, hearing your screams of pain... it was watching you die that still gives me nightmares.”  
“And what makes you think it will be any easier for me to watch you die, brother?” Fili didn’t hide the pain in his voice.

The two brothers stared at each other.

“I never said it was,” Kili finally whispered. “But I can’t... I can’t. Fee, I’m sorry.”  
“Kili.” Fili reached out and took his brother’s right hand. “Kee, I... no, I don’t know. I have no idea what you are going through. I only know that I love you and that life will be hell without you.”  
“And my life?” Kili gritted his teeth. “Would you really... really want to have me reduced to a helpless cripple for your sake?”  
“But...”  
“Fee.” Kili closed his fingers around his brother’s. Their eyes met, and Fili swallowed. “If you love me, then let me go.”  
Fili dropped his head against his brother’s shoulder. “I can’t,” he muttered, his voice rough. “I’m sorry Kee, I can’t”

“Kili.” Thorin’s voice was low, and he made no effort to hide his pain. “No one wants you to be crippled. But please understand us. We will miss you and we do not want to live without you.”  
“I... I understand...” Kili closed his eye and dropped his cheek against Fili’s hair. “But I can’t... I can’t... don’t you understand? I’ll never walk again because I only have one hand to hold crutches, and I can’t... Uncle I’m not even eighty... how can I live that long being useless for anything but sitting around?”  
“I am sure we can find something...” Thorin began, but Kili interrupted him.   
“I don’t want to be a cripple made to feel he’s still useful! I want to be me! But...” He broke off with a groan of pain. After a few breaths, he went on, his voice heavy and dull. “But there’s not enough left of me.”

No one knew what to say to this, and the only sound to break the silence was Kili’s laboured breathing. 

“Cylla,” Kili finally whispered and looked up at her as she stood behind Fili who still had his head beside Kili’s. “Take care of him. He’ll need you.”  
“I will.” Cylla tried to keep her voice calm. “I promise.”  
A tired smile tugged at Kili’s lips.

Fili sat up and wiped his eyes. “Kee, please don’t die.”  
“I’m sorry...” Kili swallowed hard. “Sorry for putting you through... what I’ve been through... But I can’t...”  
“I know, brother.” Fili pressed his forehead against Kili’s. “I know.”

After a moment, Fili straightened up again and Kili turned his head to the other side where his mother was sitting at his bedside. “Mother?”  
“I’m here, love.” Dís took his hand and closed both of hers around it. She made no effort to hide her tears.  
“I’m sorry, Mama. I don’t want you to cry...”  
“My poor love.” Dís smoothed a few hairs back from Kili’s face. “And I never wanted you to hurt this much.”  
Kili closed his eyes under her gentle touch. “Will you stay?” He muttered, and suddenly grimaced in pain again. His right arm twitched and his head jerked.   
“My love.” Dís placed a kiss on Kili´s temple. “You drew your first breath in my arms. Nothing and no one can make me leave you now, not until you have drawn your last.” Her tears flowed, but her voice held steady.

Kili nodded and closed his eyes again. A small, and eerily peaceful smile appeared on his lips. “Is Ari here, too?” He whispered, his voice almost inaudible.  
“I am here, my prince.” Ari’s voice trembled, and she had taken her blindfold off again, as now it was soaked through.   
Kili let go of his mother’s hand and reached for her, but Ari of course couldn’t see it. Dís, who sat between them, gently took Ari’s hand and guided it towards Kili’s. The moment their hands touched, Kili wound his fingers around hers while searching for her face. 

“Ari,” he whispered hoarsely. “My beautiful... Lady of Starlight...”  
Ari bit back a sob. She couldn’t see his face, but tried to rest her eyes on where she assumed it to be.”My Prince?”  
Kili tried to smile at her, as if he had forgotten that she could not see him. “Your eyes... like starlight. Your beautiful, silver eyes...” He swallowed hard and closed his own eye for a second while a deep line appeared on his forehead. When he looked at Ari again, the smile was back, but the pain was even more apparent now. “You are starlight... silver in the darkness... I would have loved to walk in starlight with you...”  
Ari bit back a sob and closed her eyes. Tears were dripping down her chin.  
“Ari, please... please tell me... if I had not been... if I had not been so hideously disfigured... if I would not look like... a creature from a nightmare... do you think... do you think you could have loved me?”

This time, Ari was unable to suppress the sob and she covered her face with her free hand. Then she took a deep breath, forced her face under control and leaned forward. She closed her eyes and slowly and tenderly, placed her lips on Kili’s.   
When she straightened up again, a calm, almost angelic smile was on Kili’s face. His eyes were closed and the smile remained when he hoarsely called for Thorin.

“What is it, my boy?”  
“Come here... please...” It seemed as if he didn’t have the strength to open his eyes anymore.  
Thorin walked around the bed, and Kili held out Ari’s hand to him. “Take... take care of her,” he rasped.  
“I will, my boy.” Thorin’s voice was unsteady. “I will take care of her for you.”  
“Ari... can you...” Kili still had his eye closed, and his voice was so weak by now that it was hard to understand. “Can... you? I would have you protected and safe...”  
“If that is your wish...” Ari’s voice broke with the last syllable.  
“Then I give... I give you to each other...” Kili’s arm fell limply onto the mattress the moment Thorin had taken Ari’s hand from his. “Take care... of each other. I’m sorry...”

He fell silent again, and he seemed to become weaker with every breath he drew. 

Ari let her head drop against Thorin’s shoulder as she wept, and Fili had closed his arms around Cylla. Dís took Kili’s right hand again and caressed his cheek with the other.   
His eyes still shut, Kili drew another breath and winced in pain as his right leg twitched. “I don’t want you to see me die...” He whispered. “Please...”

Thorin leaned over him and placed kiss on Kili’s forehead. “Farewell, Kili, my sister-son. I am proud to have been a part of your life and you a part of mine.” With that, he gently but firmly took Ari’s arm and led her towards the door.   
Cylla leaned over Kili and placed a kiss on his cold and clammy cheek. “Farewell, my brother. We will miss you... but I promise that our firstborn son will bear your name.”  
A faint smile twitched Kili’s lips, but he still didn’t open his eyes.

Fili knelt again and pressed his forehead against his brother’s for the duration of several heartbeats. Then he placed a kiss on Kili’s forehead, no longer making an effort to fight his tears. “Thank you, little brother,” he whispered. “Thank you for everything.” He straightened up with a sob and he and Cylla slung their arms around each other before they left the room and Cylla closed the door.

“Mama?”  
“I will not leave you.” Dís ran her thumb across the back of Kili’s hand.   
“It... it hurts so much...”  
“I know.” Her tears streamed down her face, but her voice was still almost steady. “It will be better soon, my love.” She placed her hand on Kili’s cheek and ran her thumb across his eyebrow. “It will be better soon.”  
Kili leaned into her touch, a small, almost relieved smile on his face.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you are interested in Dís's lullaby then you can listen to it [here](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/post/110835392637/my-newest-piece-of-headcanon-dis-singing-the-song)

Hours passed, and in those hours, Thorin, Fili, Cylla and Ari sat in Fili’s chambers waiting for the news that it was over. Time stretched endlessly, and minutes turned into hours and hours into days. Fili was walking back and forth in front of the hearth, and Thorin leaned against a wall, his face empty and his eyes staring at nothing. None of them talked, and the only sound apart from the fire was the fall of Fili’s heavy footsteps.  
Cylla was sitting on the sofa next to Ari who had refused her sister’s embrace, so they were just holding hands now. 

Hours passed, and in those hours, every regret and every futile wish was a haunt that tore wounds into their souls.

Hours passed, and Dís kept her vigil at her younger son’s bedside; she held his hand, wiped his face with a cloth and watched his chest rise and fall while occasionally his eyelids fluttered as a low sound of pain escaped him. At one point, she wasn’t quite aware of when exactly, she began to sing; it was the lullaby that she had sung for her sons at their cradles and at their beds until they had grown out of the age where they needed to be comforted by their mother at bedtimes.

It was the song of the Lonely Mountain, turned soft and into hardly more than a faint echo of a past long gone by her low, deep and gentle voice. It seemed to have a calming effect on her son, and she kept on singing until her voice was so tired it was hardly more than a whisper while she caressed Kili’s face and smoothed his hair back, still finding the wild and carefree boy in the face of the grown man and scarred warrior that he was now.

The single candle on the small nightstand flickered. Time lost all meaning.  
Dís had stopped begging Mahal for a miracle to save him long ago, and by now she was just begging him to take her son’s pain and let him pass away peacefully. Her tears had dried, but she knew that they would be back. Just not now. Now she needed her strength, as she would not leave him. Later would be time for tears and grieving.

Dís did not know how much time had passed; she watched Kili’s face and knew by his furrowed brow and narrow lips that he was still in pain.  
“It will be better soon,” she whispered again as she ran her hand down his cheek. 

Loud voices out in the hallway made her look up with a frown. The voices lowered, and then someone knocked cautiously.  
“Yes?”  
The door opened and, to Dís’s utter bewilderment, someone entered who was no dwarf. Too tall and too narrow was the figure, and she finally realised it must be an elf.  
“What are you doing here?”

The elf stepped to her side and bowed his head. “My name is Camaenor, my Lady. I come from the Woodland Realm. The King under the Mountain sent a messenger to Thranduil, asking for a healer to help save his brother. I have answered that call, and I will do what is in my power to save your son.”  
Dís looked up at the tall, dark-haired elf without letting go of Kili’s hand. “Can you save him?”  
“I do not know yet. But I have dealt with such before.”

Dís nodded slowly and Camaenor inclined his head before heading for the door again. He opened it and exchanged a few low words with whoever was waiting outside and returned to the bedside to kindle more lights. When the room was lit to his satisfaction, he shed his wide-sleeved tunic, revealing a shirt underneath that had short and tight sleeves, and quickly braided his hair back. Then he carefully removed the blanket and lifted the wicker tube to look at Kili’s leg. He frowned, and took a deep breath. 

“It looks bad...” Dís said softly.  
“It does,” Camaenor replied without taking his eyes off the leg. “But as long as there is life, there is hope. I was informed, however, that amputation is not an option.” He looked at Dís again.  
“He could not stand the thought of losing another limb,” Dís replied. “He said he’d rather die.”  
“An understandable thought,” Camaenor replied. “And I will respect his decision.”

Another knock came from the door, and Camaenor opened the door to let Fjola in, followed by Oín with a large table on wheels covered with boxes, flasks, bowls and small bags. 

“Thank you for assisting me,” the elfish healer said to them. “We have to hurry.”  
“What will you be needing?” asked Oín.  
“A poultice of Kingsworth to start with,” Camaenor gave back. “I have some with me, unless you happen to have it fresh, too.”  
“I have one ready here.” Oín gave the elfish healer a package. “Not the first time I’m doing this either.” But his voice held no scorn, and he cast a worried glance at the lifeless figure on the bed.  
“My thanks.” Camaenor focussed on Kili’s leg again and carefully placed the poultice on the wound.  
Kili winced and a soft moan escaped his lips. 

Fjola had busied herself with belting Kili’s legs to the mattress so Camaenor could work on the wound, and as he started his work, she stoked the fire in the hearth and prepared a kettle with water to get it to boil.  
Oín busied himself preparing draughts.

Dís remained where she was, holding on to Kili’s hand, and watched the elven healer as he placed his hands onto the poultice and closed his eyes. She was a little surprised as he began to chant softly, but she had heard of the healing magic of elves. And even if she harboured no great trust towards the folk of the Woodland Realm, she would not question anyone who attempted to save her son’s life. 

Camaenor was focussed on Kili, his eyes lowered at the wound under his hands. _“Menno o ninnahon, ieliad annen annin, hon leitho ongurth._ ” He closed his eyes and repeated the words, and after another deep breath, spoke them again, a little louder and more intense. 

Dís could see a soft glow emanating from his hands and hardly dared to breathe. The flicker of hope that had died some hours ago rekindled in her heart, and she could feel her heartbeat quicken. She held on to Kili’s hand and rested her eyes on his face again, willing him to show another sign of life. 

Camaenor had stopped chanting but had his hands still on the wound. The soft golden glow was still there, and when Dís looked at Kili’s face again, his eyelids fluttered. Her breath caught in her throat, and with anxious eyes, she watched his head move back and forth. And then, with a soft moan, he opened his eyes.

“Kili,” she whispered. “Kili, my love...”  
He slowly turned his head, his good eye cloudy with tiredness. “Mama?”  
“I’m here.” She placed a hand on his cheek and smiled softly.  
“I had such a strange dream...” Kili whispered, his voice hoarse and trembling.  
“You are awake now,” Dís replied. “The dream is over.”  
Kili looked at her for a moment, then shook his head. “No, Mama,” he replied. “It’s not over...”  
“What do you mean?” She smoothed a few hairs back from his forehead.  
Kili swallowed, wincing as he did so because his throat was so dry. “Water,” he whispered.

Dís immediately reached for the cup on the nightstand, but Oín bade her wait. He then handed her another cup filled with an herbal draught. To judge by Kili’s face it tasted awful, but he was so thirsty he drank it anyway.

“Better, my love?”  
Kili tried to smile at his mother. “A bit.”  
Dís returned the smile and ran her hand down his cheek again. “What did you dream of, my love?”  
“I dreamt of Fili,” Kili gave back, and Dís could hear the pain in his voice, not the pain of the wound, but a pain in his soul. “Or maybe it wasn’t a dream...”  
“What about Fili?” Dís kept her voice low as not to disturb the healers who stood at the hearth discussing something in low voices.  
“He said to me that I... I would put him through... the same as I went through... when he died.” His eyes met his mother’s, and a single tear fell from his lashes. “I didn’t want to hurt him...”  
“My poor love,” Dís said with a sigh. “But he understands...”  
“No, Mama, I understand now...” His face distorted in pain and he gasped. The two healers and the apothecary spun around with worried looks.

“Mama,” Kili groaned. “I’m so sorry...”  
“Don’t be, my love. Nothing is your fault.”  
“No...” He opened his eyes again, and the whole one was so full of pain and regret that it almost tore Dís’s heart out. “No, Mama... I’m sorry because...”  
“Kili, my love. You don’t have to be sorry for anything...”  
“But I have!” It was a painful rasp, and he closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath back. Tears were spilling out of the corner of his eyes and trickled into his hair. “I’ve been selfish, Mama. I’m so sorry I’ve been so selfish...”

His voice was so full of pain that Dís felt her own tears return. “But Kili...”  
“No, Mama. I’ve been so selfish, I’ve only been thinking... thinking about myself... and I caused you so much pain and... it’s not right. You... you shouldn’t be in pain just... just because I’m a coward.”  
“Kili.” Dís tried to keep her voice calm, but a certain sternness was unmistakable. “You are no coward.”  
A tired smile tugged at Kili’s lips. “This one time I’ve been, Mama. And I’m sorry. But I can’t... I’m sorry Mama. I hurt you, and Thorin, and Fili, and Cylla and Ari too... Ari...” He closed his eyes. “But I... I don’t know if I can...”  
“Kili, Stop blaming yourself...”  
“Mama!” The painful rasp made him cough and he winced in pain. “No, Mama. I don’t know if I can, but I have to. I have to... I can’t be... I can’t be a coward for my sake... I have to... for your sake, all of you...” He closed his eyes again.

“Kili, my love... my poor love, what tortures you so?”  
Kili didn’t open his eyes. “I was so selfish, I only thought about myself,” he whispered tonelessly. “But it’s not... it’s not only about me. I just... I can’t...”  
Dís watched her son with a bleeding heart. All she could do was hold on to his hand and wait.  
“I can’t go like this,” Kili whispered after a moment of silence. “I can’t... I’m sorry I was such a coward, but I... I can’t leave you like this. I’ll...” He still kept his eyes close, but his fingers closed around his mother’s. “I can’t leave... like this. They have to take the leg off, Mama. I don’t know how I can make it, but I can’t just go... not like this.”

Dís could not suppress a small gasp at his words. She stared at her son’s pale and waxy face, but he showed no more emotion now. She swallowed hard and slowly lifted her head, to find the two healers and Oín look down at Kili with sorrowful eyes.

**x-x-x**

Outside the King’s chambers life had gone on while behind the doors, the time had stood almost still and the silence had grown so heavy that none of the four dwarves waiting for the worst possible news dared to disturb it anymore.

It was around the time when the evening meal would have been over had any of them felt the desire to eat, that someone knocked at the door. Fili closed his eyes and his shoulders fell, and he slowly walked to the door to open it. A serving woman bowed to him.

“Yes?” Fili tried to keep his frustration in reign; whatever the girl’s duty, it was not her fault.  
“The healer Fjola has sent me. Lady Dís asks to see you in the Prince’s sickroom.”  
Fili stared at her and swallowed. “Thank you,” he said tonelessly.  
The woman bowed and nodded before she vanished again. 

Fili turned around, his eyes already burning. “It seems the waiting is over,” he said hoarsely. “Mother has asked us to come to Kili’s room.”

Thorin nodded and with drooping shoulders, helped Ari off the sofa while Cylla held her other arm. Thorin took Ari’s arm and led her, but as Cylla wanted to put her arm around her sister’s waist to support her Ari pushed her gently away with a shake of her head.  
They followed Fili, who was already bent under the heavy load of grief, through the halls and galleries until they reached the Halls of Healing and Kili’s room. 

“I’m not ready for this,” Fili whispered hoarsely.  
“No one ever is,” Thorin said gently and let go of Ari’s arm to open the door. He entered, and the others followed him slowly.

At the sight of Kili’s still and pale form in the bed Fili could no longer hold himself together and Cylla pulled him close to her and slung both arms around him. With a sob he tried desperately but unsuccessfully to suppress, Fili dropped his head onto her shoulder. After a moment, however, he lifted his head, then tore himself away from her and fell onto his knees at the bedside and buried his face in his brother’s blanket while his shoulders trembled under the strain of keeping himself together.

With a deep and heavy sigh, Thorin stepped towards the bed, and when he looked up at his sister, he noticed two things. The first was that Dís was sitting with her back against the wall and her upper body leaning against the headrest of the bed. Her eyes were still closed, and from her slack face Thorin could only assume she was asleep. And when he looked back to the bed, he noticed another thing: Kili was still breathing.

Very slowly, Thorin leant over his younger nephew and placed a finger against his neck to check that he had not been mistaken. And when he felt the flutter of life under his fingertips, he had to force himself to keep his voice calm.  
“Fili,” he said softly. “Whatever miracle has happened I do not know, but he is still alive.”  
Fili stiffened and stared up at Thorin, his red and tear-filled eyes widening. “But...”  
Thorin looked up, a hesitant smile on his face. “He is breathing, lad. His heart is beating. Your mother wouldn’t just be asleep if it was otherwise.” His voice was low; he did not want to wake his sister who had pushed herself past the point of utter exhaustion.

Fili began to tremble again as he stared at his brother, but when he realised that Thorin was right and that Kili was still breathing he broke; covering his face in both hands in a vain attempt to stifle the sounds he made as he cried with the hoarse and rusty sobs of someone unaccustomed to tears and ashamed of them.

Cylla stepped behind her husband and put both hands on his shoulders, rubbing her thumbs gently up and down the back of his neck. After a moment Fili took a deep, gasping breath and lifted his head to stare at Kili, just to watch his chest rise and fall, just to assure him that his brother was really still alive. 

Thorin stepped around the bed towards his sister and looked up at Cylla and Fili, and then at Ari who was standing close to the door as if she had been forgotten about. She was still as a statue, her face unmoving save for her eyelids, her empty stare somewhat unnerving without the blindfold hiding it. Thorin could see moisture in those eyes, but she did not seem to need any effort to stem her tears.

“Cylla, my dear,” he said. “Go and check for me if the room next door is empty. She needs to sleep, but I know she will want to be close in case he wakes up.”

Cylla nodded and left to do his bidding as Thorin very cautiously gathered his sister up into his arms. It only proved her exhaustion that she hardly stirred as he did so.  
The room next door was indeed empty and Thorin lowered his sister onto the pallet. Dís muttered something, but immediately turned onto her side and stilled again. Her deep and regular breaths made Thorin smile a little wistfully. His sister had never given herself a rest when it concerned her sons and that had not changed after they had grown up.  
He took the blanket that lay folded at the foot end of the pallet and unfolded it to cover Dís, and as he stepped away, he met with Cylla coming in again.

“I will sit with her to tell her where she is and how she got here,” she said. “You want to be with Kili, as does his brother... and Ari most likely too.”  
“Thank you.” Thorin bowed his head. “From the bottom of my heart.”  
Cylla just smiled and touched his arm in passing as she walked towards the pallet to sit down on the footstool beside it.

Ari was still standing next to the doorframe when Thorin came back, but as he looked at her more closely now he could see her fingers trembling as she rolled and unrolled a fold of her skirt between them.

He gently took her arm. “Would you like to sit down?”  
“I do,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

Thorin led to the chair at the other side of the bed where Dís had sat during her vigil. Ari sat down with a grateful nod, for even if she could not see or hear him, she could at least be there. She cautiously reached out with one hand and Thorin, realising what she wanted, took her hand and placed it on Kili’s.  
She gently closed her fingers around his and ran her thumb across the back of Kili’s hand.

Fili still knelt at the other side of the bed; he wanted to take Kili’s other hand, but there was no other hand he could have taken. He knew that his brother hated it when someone touched his left arm, but in this moment he could not be considerate of this. He placed his hand on Kili’s forearm and closed his fingers around it, feeling the scarred tissue under his thumb where Kili’s wrist should have been. It was not half as bad as he had expected it would feel; to Kili it would of course feel horrible, but to him, it just was a part of his brother.  
Thorin stood silently behind Fili and placed his hands on his nephew’s shoulders.

They remained like this for a while; just being there and letting the feeling sink in that Kili was still alive until at one point, a soft moan escaped Kili’s lips His head fell to one side and with another moan, he opened his eyes.  
“Mama?” His voice was so low a whisper it was hardly audible.  
“Mama is asleep,” Fili said softly and wiped his eyes. “But I am here. And Uncle Thorin is here, and Ari is, too.”  
“Ari?”  
“I am here, my prince.” Ari increased the pressure of her fingers, and Kili turned his head a little to look at her.

It seemed to cost him an effort to do so, and the same effort to turn his head back to look at his brother, and either he wasn’t aware of Fili holding on to his left arm or he could not be bothered about it in his state. He managed a tired smile.

“Fee...”  
“I’m here, brother.” Fili smiled at him and blinked more tears away. “And you’re still here, too.”  
“To... to an extent.” Kili closed his eyes and swallowed drily. “I... I’m sorry, Fee. I’m... I’m sorry I was such a... a selfish coward.”  
“What are you talking about?” Taken aback, Fili twisted his head to exchange a look with Thorin who could only shrug. “Kili, you’re no coward! I’ve never met a braver dwarf than you!”  
The sad and tired smile returned to Kili’s face. “But I was,” he rasped. “I was... I was only thinking about me... and not about you, or anyone else... and I’m sorry I... I was about to...”  
“Kee, you need rest,” Fili tried to stop him, but Kili seemed to need to get it off his chest.  
“I’m sorry I was about to... to put you through... what I went through...”  
“Kili, please...”  
“Please forgive me, brother...”

Fili closed his eyes and shook his head as behind him Thorin leaned forward, urging Fili in a whisper to humour his brother.

“I forgive you, Kee,” Fili said then and closed his fingers a little tighter around Kili’s forearm. “Although I don’t think you need forgiveness for anything.”  
“But I was a selfish coward for making you all...”  
“Kili, can you please let it rest?”

Kili closed his eyes again and licked his dry and cracked lips. “I told Mama...” he muttered without opening his eyes. “I told her too. That I... I was sorry. I couldn’t... I couldn’t just go like this. I couldn’t just leave like that because... because I am a selfish coward. But I... I did...”  
“Kili...” Fili reached out with his other hand and brushed Kili’s hair back. “No one blames you for anything.”  
Now Kili did open his eyes again. “Maybe. But I still... I still couldn’t I couldn’t go like this. I told them...” He swallowed again and bit his lower lip before he went on. “I told them to take the leg off.”

For a split-second, Fili felt as if he had been doused with ice water. He shook his head, and felt his eyes burn with his feelings of helpless anger and compassion. It was so unjust, so cruel, that his brother would have to pay such a price for his life, and that he did it; not because he wanted to live, but because everyone else around him wanted him to live.

“Kili,” he whispered, his voice close to breaking. “Brother, I’m... I’m so sorry...”  
Kili met his brother’s eyes, his one-eyed stare making it only worse, as if all his feelings were intensified by the fact they could only show in one eye.  
“We’ll work it out, Kee,” Fili said, not taking his eyes off his brother’s. “We’ll find a way, I promise, even if I have to carry you.”  
Kili’s lips twitched as the ghost of a smile flickered over his face. “Fee...?”  
“Yes?”  
“Can you... can you help me up?”

Fili looked up at Thorin again.  
“Kili, my lad,” Thorin said slowly. “I’m sure you shouldn’t be sitting up already.”  
“Just for a moment,” Kili whispered. “Just... I have to look. I have to see.”  
“I’m not sure this is a good idea, Kee.” Fili shook his head and looked imploringly at his brother. “Get your strength back, at least a little.”  
“No.” The burning glare in Kili’s eye made a shiver creep down Fili’s spine. “No, Fee, please, I need to know. I need to know!”

After another look at Thorin, Fili could only shrug, and Thorin sighed and walked around the bed, shaking his head. He asked Ari for some space and sat down on the bed, and Fili did so on the other side. Then both Fili and Thorin slipped their arms under Kili’s back, crossing them there, and slowly and very cautiously, straightened Kili’s upper body. Thorin reached up and pulled the blanket aside, then lifted the wicker tube that still protected the leg, or what was left of it.

All three of them froze and between his brother and his uncle, Kili shuddered violently, and then began to shake as sobs tore away from his throat. His head fell against Fili, and he cried into his brother’s shoulder like a child.  
Fili looked up at Thorin and their eyes met, and both looked back at Kili’s left leg, wrapped tightly in clean, white bandages from the groin down to the heel. 

In silent understanding Thorin let go of Kili and Fili gathered his brother into his arms to let him cry while Thorin put the wicker tube and the blanket back into place. It was only after he was done that he looked up to find his sister standing in the doorframe, Cylla at her side 

“I could have told you, had you woken me up.”  
“I thought it wise to let you sleep,” Thorin replied softly as he got up. “There was no one else around who could have told us. I didn’t want to cause the lad further pain.”  
“Of course not.” Dís smiled sadly and walked over to the other bedside and placed a hand on Ari’s shoulder before sitting down on the mattress beside Kili. “We have Camaenor, the elfish healer from Mirkwood, to thank for that.” After a small pause, she looked at Fili. “And we have you to thank for the fact that he was here at all. None of us had thought of asking Thranduil for help.”

Fili would have shrugged had he not held his brother in his arms. “I just wanted to help,” he said. “I know how dangerous a blood poisoning can be, but I also know...” he faltered, and had to clear his throat before he went on. “I also know what the elves can do with healing magic.”  
“You would,” Thorin said thoughtfully. “So should we all, but you had the wits to think of it.”

Fili looked at his little brother who by now, had calmed down, and after settling Kili gently back down, he straightened up again with a tired shake of his head. Cylla had stepped beside him and now placed both hands on his shoulders. Fili closed his eyes and rested his cheek on one of her hands. On the other side of the bed, Thorin and Dís looked at each other with a mixture of tiredness and relief.


	18. Chapter 18

After about an hour had passed Kili was clearly becoming tired again so Dís shooed everyone out of the room to give him peace to sleep. She herself made sure he was comfortable and had everything he needed and left as well; she wanted to be at his side of course, but she knew that she needed sleep, and with Kili no longer at death’s door she could finally find some rest.

After Cylla had accompanied Ari to her chambers Fili announced that the kingdom could watch out for itself for a day and that he’d be in his chambers, to be disturbed only if the mountain was about to collapse. Thorin gave his back a friendly slap and told him he deserved some rest and that, come morning, he would see to it that his wish for privacy was respected. With a grateful nod, Fili and his wife retreated into his quarters and locked the door.

Ari wandered restlessly around in the empty hearth chamber; she knew her surroundings here well enough by now that she needed no one to guide her around in their private quarters. Using her hands and fingers she felt her way through these familiar surroundings, trying to remember the look of the things she encountered. There was the chest of drawers that held all sorts of small things; writing instruments, games, candles; on it the large vase with the bouquet of flowers made of wrought silver that her mother had given her as a wedding gift. 

The table with four chairs that Kili had bade her sit down for breakfast the day he had enabled her to eat by herself. She felt her chest tighten at the memory.

Feeling the warmth of the hearth fire she cautiously proceeded; there were the two armchairs and she could see, before her inner eyes, Kili lounging in one of them, long legs stretched out before him, crossed at the ankles. Then her fingers found the mantelpiece and encountered something soft. She picked it up and instantly noticed the smell; it was Kili’s pouch of pipe weed and she found herself inhaling its fragrance before she was aware of what she was doing.  
It was when she put it back that her fingers touched the pipe resting there too, and the image of Kili sitting in his chair, his wry smile at his inability to produce smoke rings, became so vivid that she could almost hear him, his breathing, the soft exhale of clouds, him shifting in his seat... and inside her, something broke. 

She stumbled a step forward and fell heavily into the chair and the hot and unpleasant feeling in her tightening chest suddenly worked its way upward, past the lump in her throat, and broke free from her lips as a forlorn, helpless sob. She hated crying, hated the weakness, the helplessness it left her in, but she was alone and no one was there to see her weakness. It was only when she let it go that she realised that she could not have stopped it, anyway.  
There were no pitiful, girlish sobs like the ones that had forced their way out of her as she had confided in her sister earlier. It was a dam breaking with the force of a flash flood behind it, like the one time when Kili had ended her torture; had torn the rapist off her body and subsequently banished him out of her life forever.

He was the first soul she had trusted since she had been forced to keep her secret, hide her feelings and keep everyone away from her for fear of betraying herself and endangering her sister.  
He had stood by her side despite her attempts at keeping him away, he had protected her, saved her, ended her humiliation after she had lost her sight.   
He had believed her and not her nemesis; had stood by her side through the terrors of uncovering the deep, dark secret she had hidden for so long...  
And during all that time, he had managed to make her smile every now and then.

_My beautiful Lady of Starlight..._

Her sobs had calmed, but the tears still flowed. Was that what she was to him? No pretty princess, but his Lady of Starlight?   
Her heart clenched at the thought. Had it been the rambling of a man dying of fever? Maybe... But she also heard it say that a man who thinks he is dying always speaks the truth. She covered her mouth with her hands, but another sob escaped her nonetheless.

_I would have loved to walk in starlight with you..._

She had no idea what he meant with that, but she remembered the summer sky at night, the veil of stars on rich, deep blue, and the image of holding on to his arm while a light breeze stirred her hair, the stars overhead like a myriad of tiny diamonds strewn on midnight blue silk...

_Do you think you could have loved me?_

...It broke her heart.  
And at the same time, she felt the urge to throw that heart away again; she did not need it, she did not want the pain and the weakness and the vulnerability it brought...

“Crying like a little girl over a dead sparrow,” she heard her own voice sneer at her. “For words about starlight, the words of a fevered man who had no idea what he was talking about.”  
Ari lifted her head, and before her inner eyes she saw herself, standing straight and proud and disgusted by her own weakness. “But he has called me beautiful before...”

On their wedding night, when she had done everything in her power to make him ignore her lost virginity.  
Later, when she had tried to seduce him, to keep together the last threads of the web that was between her and the abyss below.  
And the third time when he was dying. When he thought he was dying. And she had thought so, too.

Why had she kissed him?   
“To comfort a dying man in his last moment?”  
Then why had it hurt her so much?   
“You have let yourself become far too attached to someone who does not care for you. You have made sure he does not care for you, so you should not care for him.”

Ari had felt like this before. Like there were two minds inside her; Ari the girl who had fled into the hidden corners of her mind, and Ari the woman, the one who protected the helpless, vulnerable bit of her from the cruelty of reality. A woman like a broken mirror... all distorted images and sharp edges to hurt yourself.

“I do not want to be like this anymore,” she whispered. “I do not want to pretend I have no feelings.”  
But it was the only thing keeping her safe from pain...  
“But there is no more pain!” She curled her hands into fists. “He is gone and will never hurt me again!”  
There are others who will...   
“No. They are kind and good with each other, they are there for each other, they are family and friends...”  
They do not want you.  
“I made sure of this... I know...”  
You do not need them.  
“I am so sick and tired of being alone... Maybe I can put it right somehow...”  
You do not need them in your life.  
“No, maybe not, but I want them!”

She jumped up from her chair, fists still curled at her sides. “I want to be a part of them! I want to be... a part...” Her voice faltered, and her shoulders trembled. “I want to be...”  
Loved?  
“Yes.” A husky whisper. “I want to be loved.”  
They will not love you. No one can love you.  
“Not with armour made of thorns and shards...”  
Armour you cannot simply shed... It has kept you safe. It is a part of you!  
“It is a part of me, but I no longer need it to be kept safe.”  
They will hurt you.  
“There can be no pain I haven’t felt before. I only...”  
You will never dare.

Ari shook her head.

You have to let go of everything and fall. You will fall. No one will catch you.

“Maybe someone will...”  
Risk it all?  
“What is there to risk? What do I have to lose?”  
Your safety.  
“I am safe...” Ari felt her breathing calm down. “I am safe.”

Someone knocked at her door.

**x-x-x**

After closing the door behind him and locking it, Fili took a deep, heavy breath and shook his head.

“Fili?” Cylla laid a hand on his arm. “Is there something I can do?”  
Fili shook his head. “No. No, I don’t think so.”  
Her hand moved up his arm and rested on Fili’s cheek. “Is that true? Can you not even unburden your mind with me?”  
He looked up and met Cylla’s eyes. “I would not want to load my burdens onto you...”  
“You don’t need to.” Cylla smiled sadly. “But I can share them with you.”

Fili gritted his teeth and stared at the door, his mind flying back to his brother’s sickroom, his still pale form, and all the deep and bitter regrets. More nightmares, to be sure. As if he hadn’t already enough of those.

He looked at his wife again, his beautiful wife whom he loved so much, and who loved him so much that she was ready to share any pain and any shame with him... if he would just entrust her with it.  
“Fili?”

A sad smile tugged at his lips as he took Cylla’s hand. He led her to the bedroom, kicked off his boots, shed his heavy vest and tunic and fell onto the bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head resting in his hands. He felt Cylla sit beside him, and when he looked up, seeing her eyes soft and warm with compassion and love, he shook his head and pulled her into an embrace and a kiss, and pulled her down with him. 

He leaned back after breaking the kiss, and their eyes met in understanding. Arms slung around each other they settled back, and after a few moments of hesitation, Fili began to talk.

“I fear more nightmares now, nightmares about my brother dying with me being helplessly forced to watch.”  
“More nightmares?” Cylla knew about his nightmares, of course, but because Fili had seemed so desperate to keep them hidden she had never mentioned them.  
“I am sure you have noticed,” Fili said hesitantly. “Haven’t you?”  
“I did,” Cylla said simply. “And I guessed them to be about what happened in the goblin caves.”  
“What do you know?”  
“Not much.” She brushed a few hairs from his forehead. “I only know that the goblins tortured you and almost killed you.”

Fili remained silent, trying to sort his thoughts. “I am not sure about being almost killed. I have the feeling I was dead and somehow have come back to life.”  
“What makes you think that?”  
Fili shuddered. “The memories of my injuries. No one could have survived that. Gandalf said that it was the strongest elfish magic that brought me back.”  
“Brought you back, not healed you?” Cylla felt a shudder creep down her spine.  
“Healed my body and brought me back.” Fili’s voice was wavering. “He said my soul had clung to life and refused to let go, and that’s why they could... bring me back.”  
“Do you remember anything?”  
Fili mutely shook his head.

“The last thing I remember is...” He broke off and closed his eyes. “I was...”  
Her hand closed around his, and her other hand ran through his hair.  
“He... The goblin king, he said to start with the youngest. And he looked at Kili, because his beard was sparsest and I... I couldn’t even think straight. Not my brother, I thought. I know what he said... that I thought he couldn’t hold it, that I’d only done my duty for the quest... and he was right. I did think about the quest and my duties... because I was the heir to the throne, and I felt confident that I could do my duty... to put an end to the torture with one of my throwing knifes. But then he picked my brother. And all I could think was: Not him: Not Kili. Not my brother!”  
Fili ground his teeth together, his eyes closed. Cylla could see moisture shining on his temples.

“I don’t even know... I can’t even remember where the thought came from,” Fili continued, his voice low and rough. “I told them I was the youngest and that my brother had had an accident with a cooking fire...” A mirthless chuckle escaped him. “I didn’t think. I just acted. I didn’t want it to be him...”  
“So you took his place.”  
“So I took his place.” Fili swallowed. “They started with humiliating me. They tore off my clothes, they cackled and screeched, they scratched and pinched... they cut off my hair and shaved my head and my face and...” He shuddered violently. “I thought this was the worst. I was less afraid of the pain than the humiliation. I was wrong...”

Cylla ran a hand through his hair again, as if to assure him that it was there, that he was not reliving things but just remembering them. Fili calmed a little under her touch. He held on to her hand, turned his head so their foreheads touched, and let her touch be the anchor that held him in the present lest the past swallow him whole.   
And once he had started, he could not stop, he could not even omit the most gruesome details to spare himself, or her. The words just forced themselves out, and he was unable to stop. He told her everything.

How they had bound him up to display him, bared him, exposed him in his naked helplessness, to present him to his companions and all these foul creatures in his humiliated state.   
How they had flayed his skin, burned his nipples, how he had resisted the pain and spat into the goblin king’s face.  
How they had forced the rectangular block of wood between his jaws, kicked the back of his head and shattered his jaw and his teeth.  
How they had shoved the glowing poker up his rectum, how they had finally cut off his manhood and held it before his face, so it would be the last thing he saw before the poker took out his eyes. 

“I don’t remember anything after that,” he whispered. “I just remember pain, and the pain turning dull, and the red turning to darkness, and I don’t know what happened then. I came to the moment my brother got buried under the corpse of a dragon.” He broke off with a hoarse sob and closed his eyes. “There are a few pictures, like remembered dreams, of woods and trees reaching into the sky, of a white horse and a mountain... but nothing more. And then I saw my brother, half buried under a dead dragon, his left side burned by dragon fire and covered in dragon blood.”

Cylla had listened silently, she had just held on to him as he relived the horrors of his past, and now she was just caressing his hair as she pressed a gentle kiss onto his temple.  
“I know I cannot make you forget, my love,” she said gently. “And I know I cannot make the nightmares disappear. But I can help you shed them when they have plagued you, so never just leave our bed again when they do. Wake me, and I will help you.”  
“I will,” Fili whispered and turned his head to kiss her. “I don’t know why I doubted your strength to deal with all this...”  
Her only answer was a smile and another kiss. 

They remained like that for a while, taking comfort in each other and their silent embrace, until Cylla placed another kiss on Fili’s temple and propped herself up onto one elbow to look at him.  
“Fili?”  
He opened his eyes to look at her.  
“I don’t know but I think... I think maybe you should talk to my sister.”  
“And why is that?” Fili asked, a frown on his face.  
“Because Ari knows about nightmares as the price for a sacrifice made of love.”  
Fili stared at her for a moment with parted lips. Then he closed his mouth and shook his head. “I’m not sure she would want to talk to me about something... so intimate. We are not on the best terms, exactly, even if I would have it otherwise by now.”  
“Then this would be a good opportunity to start, don’t you think? Just ask her, and if she says no, go again. You have nothing to lose, but you could gain the comfort of someone who truly understands.”

Fili stared thoughtfully at the ceiling for a while. “Do you think she would?” He finally asked.  
“I don’t know.” Cylla sat up. “I no longer know her as well as I’d like to. But if you really want to breach the gap between you and her, then showing her trust is the best thing you can do.”  
“You’re right.” Fili sat up and pulled on his boots. “And I go now before I lose my nerve again.” He smiled at Cylla and leaned over for another kiss.

He left his quarters without bothering to put on his vest and tunic again, but as he had reached the door to his brother’s chambers, he hesitated for a long, hard moment before he finally forced himself to knock.

A moment passed before he heard Ari’s voice answer and he cautiously opened the door.

“Who is there?”  
Fili cleared his throat. “It’s me, Fili.”  
Ari was standing in front of the hearth, and he could see she had been crying. “What can I do for you, my King?”

He cleared his throat again. “You could...” He closed the door behind him and stepped towards her. “You could start with being less formal, maybe? I’m not only your king; I’m also your brother-in-law.”  
Ari lifted her head like a startled deer. “If that is your wish... Fili?”  
“Yes, it is, because...” Fili rubbed the back of his neck. “See I was... I was wondering...” He broke off, wishing he had gone through this with Cylla in a bit more detail.

“I know we are not on the best of terms, you and me.” He cleared his throat again and told himself to man up. “I know I have given you a hard time because of the way you treated my brother... and everyone else... but... I wish to... I mean, I know now why you did it. You did it not because you are en evil person, but because... exactly the opposite, actually.” 

He took a deep breath and cautiously reached out to take one of her hands. Ari flinched a little, but did not resist, and still her widened eyes were looking at him, looking through him, almost; as if by being unable to see his body she could see right into his soul.

“I know I was angry at you...” He broke off, searching for words.  
“Your anger was righteous, given the things I did and said,” Ari gave back, her voice low.   
“Yes, in that situation, it was. But now that I know... more of you, I’m sorry that I... I’m sorry for having been so harsh. I could maybe have displayed a little more grace towards you, if only for your sister’s sake. But I didn’t.”

“Is that why you came?” A strange, little smile played around her lips. “To ask my forgiveness for doing and saying things that were perfectly understandable and in your right to do and say?”  
“Yes, but that’s only part of it.” Fili reached out and took her other hand. “I know you have no reason to like me or to trust me, but... Cylla seemed convinced that you can help me.”  
“Help you?”Her face fell apart and revealed utter confusion. “What under the earth could I help you with?”  
“I’m not sure myself,” Fili replied with a soft chuckle under his breath. “But I think she is right. If you will just listen to me?”  
Ari swallowed and took a shaky breath, but then she nodded.

“See, it’s about... about what you did. What you went through. What you suffered in silence for all those years, and all because you wanted to spare your sister the same fate.”  
Ari stiffened, but nodded again.   
“And I have... I’m not saying I have done the same, but I have stood between my brother and the goblins and made them take me instead of him. And the price I paid was...” He shuddered, the memories he had just shared with Cylla still vivid and fresh in his mind. And Ari seemed to have felt that shudder, because she closed her fingers around Fili’s.

“I thought I knew the meaning of pain,” Fili said, his voice rough. “I was prepared for it. What I wasn’t prepared for was the humiliation they put me through first to break my resolve. They tore my clothes off and cut off my hair and bound me spread-eagled, naked and shorn for everyone to see.”  
“My King...” Ari whispered, her voice unsteady. “Fili...”  
“They... I’ll spare you the details. They cut me and burned me and shattered my jaw and my teeth and ...”

And there it was. There it was; the glowing piece of guilt, of shame and self-hate, something that he had been unable to share even with his beloved wife. Cylla could not understand. But she had been right, maybe Ari could.

“Ari, I was...” He broke off again, and shook his head. “I am here because I need to... I need to know if I...” Then he took a deep breath and forced it out. “They put a... a glowing poker up my... up my rectum and... I never thought it possible to feel such pain and still be alive afterwards.”  
Ari had grown still as a stone. “I’m so sorry...” she whispered tonelessly. “The nightmares you must have...”  
“That’s why I am here Ari. Not only because I wanted to... wanted to have peace between us. But I need to... I need someone who understands...” He swallowed. “Because at that moment, with that searing pain burning itself into my body... I felt... for a second, for a heartbeat... I felt regret.” He broke off, and realised he was out of breath.

“Regret?” Ari’s voice was surprisingly gentle. “Regret for your decision?”

Fili looked at her face again, and into her eyes, silver like starlight and as distant as starlight too due to their blindness. She could not see him, could not see his tears and his shame, but he was sure she could feel it.

“Yes,” he whispered. “Yes, it was there, for a heartbeat, the wish I hadn’t done it. But the moment I realised what I was thinking it was gone again, but the shame of it has haunted me ever since.”  
“And why are you telling me this?” Ari’s voice was low and gentle, there was no trace of accusation or reprobation in her words.  
“Do you know?” Fili could hear how haunted his own voice sounded, desperate for some sort of absolution.

Ari was silent for a long moment, and Fili could see her eyes darting this way and that, and he could see and hear her swallow hard. And finally, when her eyes rested on his face again, she took a deep breath and froze again, lips still parted, before her breath escaped her in a deep and heavy sigh. 

“I know,” she finally whispered. “I felt it every so often when he came to me, but every time he left I knew again why I had done it, and why I would do it again.”  
Fili held on to her hands. “And you felt it, too, the guilt... and the shame?”  
“I did,” Ari replied with a trembling voice. “Despite everything. I should have been proud that I did not break despite it, but I only feel shame that it was there.”

“Maybe we should be,” Fili said after a moment, the thought having never occurred to him before. “Be proud of not breaking, and not ashamed of... of the regret. We did not break... you did not, and I.... I am sure that if I had suddenly screamed that they take my brother and let me go they’d have done it, just because of their cruelty, and to shame me more and hurt me more than their knifes and glowing irons ever could.” He lowered his head. “We did not break, and we should be proud instead of ashamed. Proud of our strength and accept the regret as one of the many flaws that come from being made of flesh and blood and the soul of mortal beings.”

Fili noticed that Ari was trembling, and he stepped a little closer. “I am proud of you, Ari, that you did not break for the sake of your sister, the woman I love.”  
Ari lifted her head, her eyes desperately searching for something to hold on to. “I am proud of you, Fili,” she whispered and her voice broke. A tear flowed down her cheek, joined by another. “Proud that you did not break for your brother... the man who...” She broke off with a sob, and giving in to a sudden impulse, Fili closed his arms around her. 

“Do you love my brother after all?” He asked, keeping his voice low and gentle.  
“I can’t,” Ari whispered back, her voice thick with tears. “I can’t love him...”  
“Why is that?”  
“Because he will never love me...”  
“His Lady of Starlight?” Fili felt a small smile on his face. “You, with your beautiful silver eyes?”

Ari held for another heartbeat before she collapsed against him with a sob. “I can’t,” she sobbed into Fili’s shoulder. “I would give the rest of my life if I just could see him smile at me! Just once! But I will never see him again!”  
Fili tightened his embrace with a sigh.   
“I wish I could have trusted him sooner...” Ari shuddered violently and fought fruitlessly against her tears. “But I only hurt him more, and the wounds I carved into his soul will only fester with the hatred I felt for myself when I caused them! Yes, I was full of hate, but never for him! Only for me!”  
“Ari... why do you hate yourself?”Her words had caused Fili’s blood to run cold.  
“Because if I wasn’t like this... if I wasn’t who I am then none of this would have happened! If I had not been the pretty princess he would never have come to me and none of this would have ever happened! I wish it was me with the scars of dragon blood on my face! I wish it was me who looked like a creature from a nightmare!”

Fili shuddered as well now and closed his eyes. “Ari, stop that. Please, stop hurting yourself! If a beautiful young woman was assaulted by a man with a sick mind telling her she was too beautiful to resist, who would you blame? Her; for being beautiful, or him; for giving in to the urges of his sick mind?”  
Ari froze.  
“Answer me,” Fili said gently.  
“Him...” She whispered, almost inaudibly.  
“Then why do you keep blaming yourself for what happened?”  
“I...”  
“If I remember correctly than it was him blaming you, wasn’t it?”  
She mutely nodded.  
“And why do you believe this atrocity of a dwarf over me or your sister?”  
“I don’t know...” Ari whispered tonelessly through her tears. “I don’t know...”  
Fili took a deep breath. “Maybe admitting guilt is easier than admitting helplessness. Because helpless is what you were. You were never guilty, Ari. Do you believe me?”  
Ari bit her lip and nodded.

“Then say it, Ari. Tell me that you were helpless and that you were innocent.”  
Ari kept on biting her lip.  
“Please, Ari. For your sake, please say it.”  
“I...” She began, and Fili encouragingly squeezed her shoulders. “I was helpless,” Ari whispered. “And it was not my fault.”  
“You are innocent.” Fili said.   
“I am... innocent...” Her voice broke and Fili had to catch her as her legs gave way under her. 

He let her cry, he let her gather herself up again, and then he took her arm and told her she should not be alone in her state. He took her with him back into his own chambers where Cylla fussed a little over her and in the end, asked her if she should read a little for her, just like back when they were still girls.

Ari accepted this with a nod, and Cylla led her into the bedroom, undressed both of them down to their shifts and made Ari comfortable before she slipped beside her under the covers. She had found a book of old fairytales, and as she read, both she and her sister began to calm. 

Fili had settled down at the hearth with a pipe, listening to Cylla’s voice behind the bedroom doors without understanding a word of what she was reading. He finished his pipe and started over again, putting the pipe down only when he realised that he could not hear Cylla’s voice anymore.

Tiptoeing his way towards the bedroom, he cautiously cracked the door open. 

Cylla and Ari were both asleep, huddled together like children, and both of them had the same relaxed and peaceful expression of someone sleeping soundly and at peace. He watched his wife for a moment, his heart overflowing with love, but when he looked at Ari, he felt a little pang of pain. He could see her now, the sweet and kind and gentle soul his wife had always talked about, as if another woman had been hiding away under the sternness and spiteful cruelty of the one he had gotten to know first.

He did not know if she would remain once Ari woke up, but maybe now, after the armour she had put herself in had cracked, she could free herself from it and shed the burdens of her past. He wasn’t sure if it was possible, but he would help her in every way he could. And maybe through helping her, would be able to do the same for him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I didn't even know that this song existed until a few days ago but it's the perfect theme song for this story:[Hey Brother](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0qwwvyoa0U) by AVICII_

For the next two days Dís kept everyone out of Kili’s room to give him as much peace and quiet as she could, to make sure he rested enough and could heal. But he was sturdy and hardy; as all dwarves are, and this, together with the fact that he was young and otherwise healthy had him heal rather fast. And while he was of Durin’s line, with all the pride and stubbornness that came with it, he was aware of how close to death he had been and obeyed every order of both the healers and his mother to get faster out of his sickbed.

It was Fili who was the first to visit him; and he was delighted and relieved to see his brother already sitting up in his bed and leaning against the headrest. He was still a little pale and tired, but the wicker tube was gone by now and he greeted Fili with a smile.

“Hey, Brother.”  
Fili sat down on the edge of the bed. “How are you doing, Kee?”  
“Tired.” Kili shrugged. “My leg hurts as if it was stuck into Mahal’s forge, but it’s beginning to recede. At least I can move my foot now.”  
“That’s some good news, though.” Fili shifted his position, mindful not to touch Kili’s leg. 

Kili looked up at his brother and their eyes met.  
“I’ve been giving you somewhat of a hard time lately, haven’t I?”  
Fili’s eyes went soft. “It’s not as if you did it on purpose. And if I remember correctly; I’ve given you the same hard times a good four years ago.”  
“I don’t like to think back to it,” Kili said in a low voice. “But I guess you’re right.”

They both were silent for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. When Fili looked up at his little brother again, he had a sad smile on his lips as he closed his hand around Kili’s shoulder. Kili looked up at him, eyebrows raised.

“I understand a lot of things better now,” Fili said in a low voice. “About you.”  
“What do you mean?” Kili frowned.  
“How it feels,” Fili replied. “Back when... back when you had killed Smaug I thought I’d lost you. But when you...”  
“When I was about to die,” Kili said for him, as Fili obviously had difficulty saying those words.  
“Yes, you were about to die. And I thought I’d go mad.”

Kili reached out with his right hand to close it around his brother’s that was resting on his left shoulder.

“But when mother called us later, your death was not a possibility, it was a fact. We were waiting for you to die, and we were coming to say our final farewells.” His voice broke. “Kili, I...”  
“Fee, I’m sorry to have...”  
“No,” Fili smiled at him with misted eyes. “Don’t be sorry. I understand why you wouldn’t want to live. I didn’t want to accept it, but I understood. And I’m still awed that you would have paid that high a price to live. For us. Not because you wanted to live, but because we wanted you to.”  
Kili lowered his eyes.

Fili sighed and after a moment, cleared his throat. “Kee?” His voice was low and wavering.  
Kili looked up again.  
“Did you... did you cry?”  
Kili frowned in confusion, but after a few seconds, gave his brother a wry smile. “Like a baby.”  
“I did, too, when I came in here and saw you, so still and pale and lifeless...” The corners of Fili’s mouth twitched. “Buried my face in the sheets and cried. Like a baby.”  
“I’m sorry, Fee.”  
Fili shook his head. “I’m sorry, too.”

Fili could see Kili’s lips tighten and saw his shoulders hunch as his brother dropped his head.  
“What is it?”  
Kili shrugged. “I... I can’t say I’m not relieved for what you did,” he whispered. “There was... there was a part of me that was only glad it hadn’t been me... and I’ve been and still am so ashamed of that part. I’m sorry, Fee.”  
Fili draped his arm around both of Kili’s shoulders. “Don’t be, little brother.”  
Kili looked up at him again.  
“You know...” Fili swallowed. “When they put that iron up my arse...”  
Kili winced and Fili pulled him a little closer.  
“There was a part of me that regretted what I’d done. Only for a heartbeat, but it was there. And that’s something that I feel guilty about, and ashamed. Because for the life of me I wouldn’t have wanted that to happen to you.”

They leaned their heads towards each other until their temples touched.

“I’m no better than you,” Fili whispered. “And I don’t know if I’d had the guts to do what you did.”  
“Attacking a dragon?”  
Fili exhaled a soft chuckle. “No. Agree to have someone chop off my leg so I could live.”  
Kili shuddered and Fili draped his other arm around his little brother’s shoulders. “I’m glad you’re still here, Kee. And that you got away without being crippled any further.”

They sat in silence for a moment, relishing each other’s company and being relieved about the fact that they both were still alive.  
It was Kili who finally broke the silence.

“Fee?”  
“What is it?”  
Kili hesitated for a moment. “I need to ask you something.”  
“Then ask.” Fili’s voice held a trace of amusement.  
“It’s about when... when I thought I’d die.”  
“Go ahead.” The amusement had vanished, but Fili’s voice didn’t waver.

“See, it’s all a bit hazy and it feels like a dream, of sorts.” Kili stared straight ahead with a frown. “But... I just have to know. I think I said some things to Ari that didn’t make much sense.”  
“What do you mean?” Of course, Fili knew exactly what he meant.  
“About... about starlight.”Kili’s frown deepened. “And... and love.”  
Fili gently butted his younger brother’s temple with his forehead. “It made perfect sense.”  
Kili snorted.  
“Assuming you’re in love with her.”  
At that, Kili stiffened.

Fili waited; his arms still around his brother’s shoulders.

“I don’t really know,” Kili muttered after a moment. “Am I?”  
“Having listened to what you said to her, I’d say yes.”  
Kili sighed heavily. “That’s not good news, is it...”  
“Why not?”  
Leaning a little away, Kili looked at his brother. “Because she surely doesn’t love me back.”  
Fili lifted his eyebrows. “She did kiss you, though.”  
“I know.” It sounded rather hopeless, Fili thought.  
“She cried, too.”  
Kili shrugged.

“Kee, listen to me.” Fili pulled his brother close again. “I’ll tell you what she told me. Because I talked to her, that evening. Cylla told me to, because... because of the nightmares. She said Ari would know what it is to have nightmares as a price for a sacrifice made of love.”  
Kili looked up and turned his head to look at his brother.  
“I told her, you know. About the guilt. About the regret. I hoped she would understand.”  
“Did she?” Kili’s one brown eye was full of a feeling Fili could not name.  
“She did, yes. She knew. It was... it was quite a relief to know I wasn’t alone. I think without having talked to her, I never could have told you.”  
“I thought you two weren’t at the best of terms.”  
Fili smiled sadly. “We weren’t, before.”

“It’s good to know that you could put your differences aside,” Kili said with a hesitant smile.  
“Yes, because... because I found out that she... she told me what she feels about you, but she is convinced that it’s unrequited. She said she can’t imagine you’d be able to love her back after the things she said and did.”

Kili stared at his brother for a long time. Fili smiled gently down at him, and finally, Kili swallowed hard and shook his head.  
“I don’t know if...” Kili shook his head again.  
“Maybe you two should have a private talk,” Fili suggested cautiously. “I’ll bring her here, if you like.”  
Kili nodded slowly, a smile spreading on his face. “I’d like that very much, Fee.”

Fili returned the smile as he nudged his brother’s temple with his forehead before getting up. He gave his brother a nod and left, and Kili stared at the door, not quite knowing what to think.

**x-x-x**

As he waited for his brother to return, Kili realised he was fidgeting like a nervous boy. He forced himself to calm down and tried to think of a way to breach the subject with her when the knock from the door tore him out of his musings. 

“Yes?”  
The door cracked open and Fili stuck his head in. “Are you still awake?”  
“As if I could fall asleep...” Kili gave his brother a lopsided smile. 

Fili just smiled as he led Ari inside and the sight of her made Kili’s heart beat faster. Her dress was of sapphire-blue silk and dove-grey linen; her hair was spilling freely, or almost freely, down her back, there were two single braids running from her forehead to the back of her head where they joined in a single braid. Woven into this braid were the tiny white stones that Kili had admired every so often and he realised now that he had never seen her wear them after she had lost her eyesight.

Fili had led her to the chair at the right of Kili’s bed and with a nod, vanished again to position himself outside the door. 

Ari carefully sat down. “I was informed that you wanted to speak to me, my prince.”  
Kili looked at her hands. They were still, pressed against her thighs; her back was straight and her head held high. “I thought we had stopped being so formal”, he said.  
She lowered her head a little. “I’m not sure I understand.”  
“Well, to start with, I do have a name,” Kili said with a smile. The twitch of her lips in response told him she had heard it. 

“Ari...” Kili began, still trying to think of the best way to approach her. “I know we had a bad start. And I know that you’ve given me a hard time, but I don’t want you to apologise for that again, yes? I know why all that happened, and even if I’m still not completely sure I understand all of it, I want to put it behind me.”  
Ari swallowed hard and nodded. “That is...very kind of you.”  
“I’m not sure kindness is... I don’t mean to be kind. I want to start over again. As far as is possible, anyway.”  
“Now I must admit that I don’t quite understand,” Ari replied. Her fingers began picking at a fold of her skirt.  
“I want...” Kili ran his hand through his hair. “What I want most is to forget everything and pretend we just met.” He chuckled softly. “But that’s not going to happen, so I’ll settle for second best.”  
“And that is?” A tiny smile flitted over Ari’s face.  
“That is to forgive you everything that made me so angry because you... you believed you had no choice, didn’t you?”

Ari sighed. “You are right. I believed I had no choice but to keep everyone at a distance.”  
“Because you were afraid of me?”  
“No.” The smile returned to her face. “I was never afraid of you, and I never hated you. I was afraid of... of closeness. Of feelings. Because I feared that I would not be able to keep my secret any longer. I could not allow myself to trust anyone.”  
“But in the end you found you could let me close and trust me?”  
“I had no choice,” Ari whispered. “And I can only say I wish I had been able to trust you sooner.”

Kili took a deep breath and reached out to take her hand. She did not resist him, but she lowered her head and he could feel her fingers tremble between his.

“Ari, I need to ask you a question, and I beg you to tell me the truth.”  
Ari nodded mutely.  
“See...” Kili shifted and winced at the jolt of pain that went through his leg. “When I thought I was dying...” He looked at her and could see and feel her stiffen. “I asked you a question back then,” he went on, his voice low. “And would not ask it again as I see it’s making you uncomfortable, but I have learned my lesson. Life is precious and it can be much shorter than you think. So I just... I need an answer. An honest one. Can you promise me that?”  
Ari hesitated, but when she lifted her head again, she nodded. “I promise,” she whispered.

Kili took another deep breath. “I asked you... I asked you if you could have loved me if I weren’t so scarred that I look like a nightmare.”  
“Yes, I remember,” Ari whispered, her voice hardly audible.  
“But you... you didn’t answer me,” Kili continued, lowering his voice. “You kissed me, I remember that, and it was a rare gift of comfort to a dying man. But now, I’d like to know the answer.”

Ari seemed to shrink back into herself.  
“Ari please.” Kili’s voice had lowered into a whisper. “I want the truth, please, even if the truth is not the answer I’d like to hear.”

Ari hesitated for a time that was far longer than Kili felt comfortable with. He remembered Fili’s words, but he also saw her cringe before his eyes. He no longer knew what to think or to expect and just waited.

“I don’t know,” she finally whispered. “I don’t know, honestly. I kept you away from me, and I’d have done so if you had not looked the way you do. It... Your scars... they made it easier for me, as I could call you terrible names and make sure you’d never even try to get closer to me. But when I lost my sight, and was suddenly forced to trust you I realised...” She broke off and took a shaky breath. “I realised that we are not so different, you and I. It was when you showed me another side of you. Not the Dragonslayer, but Kili, a young dwarf with a heart of gold and a soul full of pride and loyalty. And I realised that you were hiding, too; hiding behind the grim warrior, just like I was hiding behind the facade of spite and hate and haughtiness. I don’t know why you feel or felt the need to hide yourself, but if I had to make a guess I’d say it was because you feared rejection.”  
“I feared rejection,” Kili said softly, a smile tugging at his lips. “And you feared closeness. So what are we going to do about it now?”

“I don’t know,” Ari whispered. “I know I no longer need to hide, but I don’t know what to do. And I can’t even answer your question because I don’t know what would have been different.”  
Kili exhaled softly and leaned towards her before tugging at her hand to make her lean forward, too. He touched her forehead with his. “So when you kissed me, that was to comfort me.”  
“And me.” It was almost inaudible, and Kili only heard it due to their closeness.  
“Why would you have needed such comfort?” Kili’s voice was low and gentle.  
“I did not want you to die,” Ari whispered. “I had so many regrets, so many things I wished I could have undone or done otherwise. I wanted this one thing to cling to...” Her voice broke. “The one glimpse of what might have been if only fate had been kinder, to both of us.”

Kili swallowed and closed his eyes, slightly increasing the pressure of his forehead against hers. “But I’m not dead after all,” he muttered. “So maybe something you thought lost forever is still there and you only need... to reach out.”  
“I don’t dare...” She breathed.  
“What are you afraid of?”  
“Of... I don’t really know... of losing my balance and falling, I think.”  
“I’ll catch you,” Kili whispered. “You can trust me, you know that, Ari. Although I don’t quite understand why you would want a cripple like me.”  
“You are not crippled.” Ari’s voice was suddenly firm again. “Crippled is he who lacks a part of his soul, not the one who lost a part of his body.”

Her words made a shiver trickle down Kili’s spine, but they also seeped into a crack in his soul that had hurt him ever since he had laid his eyes on himself in the mirror for the first time after Smaug. His heart began to race and his eyes were suddenly burning.

“Ari,” he whispered huskily. “Ari, I want to... may I kiss you?”  
He felt her shift and lift her head, and when he leaned back and opened his eyes, there was the sweetest smile, shy and soft, playing around her lips. Kili could only close his eyes and touch these lips with his own. She leaned into him and Kili let go of her hand to cup her cheek. His left arm rose almost of its own accord, but as he was about to lower it again Ari touched it and rested it on her other shoulder. Kili stopped thinking after that.

When he broke the kiss and leaned back he saw the moisture seep through Ari’s blindfold and felt his heart clench. With a sigh he reached out and clumsily untied the knot.  
Once he had dropped the piece of black silk Ari sat up and, to his surprise, slipped off her shoes and settled into the bed beside him. 

With a smile Kili slung both arms around her to pull her into another kiss and the gentle touch of her fingers on his face, the left half of his face, sent tendrils of fire into his soul. He broke the kiss and turned his head to kiss her fingers instead.  
“I wish I could heal you,” Ari whispered. Her face was wet with tears even though she kept wiping them away. “I wish I could take your scars and give you back your hand and your eye so you could feel whole again.”  
Kili pulled her into a fierce embrace. “I wish I could heal you,” he muttered into her hair. “Take away all those bad memories and all the pain and show you what love really means. What love is.”  
Ari fell against him with a small sob and he closed his arms around her. 

How long they remained like this Kili didn’t know, but he noticed that at one point she began to rub fiercely at her eyes.  
“Ari? What is it?”  
She shook her head. “My eyes hurt...”  
Kili placed a soft kiss onto her temple. “You probably cried more during the last few days than in the years before.”  
“Maybe.” Ari dropped her head against his shoulder and continued rubbing her eyes. “No, most certainly.” Then she hissed, and as Kili leaned back to look at her with a worried frown, she dug the heels of her hands into her eyes with a grimace of pain. Tears were still trickling down her cheeks.  
“Ari?” Kili closed his hand around her shoulder. “Ari what is wrong? Should we call for someone?”

Ari dropped her hands and gasped.

“Ari...?” All of a sudden, Kili felt every hair on his body stand on edge.  
“Kili...” She had covered her eyes with her hands again and was trembling. “What is happening?”  
Slowly, Kili reached out and took one of her hands, cautiously pulling it away from her face. She dropped the other with a sob and closed her eyes. Tears were forcing their way out between her closed lids.

Then she blinked, gasped again and blinked furiously several times, as if she had to force her eyes to stay open. A shaky sob escaped her when she finally succeeded and Kili watched as she blinked and blinked to clear her tears. Then her eyes stood still, and with a sudden lurch in his stomach he realised that they were focussed on him. She was looking at him.

“Ari...” he whispered tonelessly. “Ari...” He felt a smile grow on his face that he had no means to rein in. “Ari... can you... can you see me?”  
Ari swallowed hard, and as she blinked, more tears fell from her lashes. But then she smiled, slow and hesitantly, with a shaky voice, her whole body trembling, she whispered: “Yes...”  
Kili felt his own eyes overflow and wiped his cheeks, but the smile was still in place. A smile full of disbelief, full of joy and full of love.

“I see you,” Ari whispered as she smiled at him through her tears. “For the first time, I see you, Kili.” She shook her head, still smiling, tears still spilling from her eyes, and she reached out to gently run her fingers down his left cheek. “And I see your scars, but neither do I fear them nor do they repulse me. They do not touch your soul, Kili. As little as mine touch my body. Maybe we cannot heal each other...” She swallowed and sifted her fingers through a few strands of ivory-white hair. “But we can help each other live with the scars we bear. And maybe that is all the healing we need.”

Kili closed his eyes and gave in to the sensation of her fingers tenderly caressing his face. “My Princess,” he whispered with a smile. “My beautiful Princess of Starlight.”  
Ari chuckled softly as she leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “What should I call you then, my prince? My prince in dragon armour? My Dragonslayer?”  
Kili opened his eyes again and smiled; a slightly lopsided smile that caused his smile wrinkles to appear. “Just Kili will do,” he said and winked. “Bofur can call the rotgut he serves the Dragonslayer for all I care.”  
Ari couldn’t help but chuckle, and Kili joined her. It was when their eyes met again that their chuckles died, and with a sigh, Kili ran his hand through her hair, rested it at the back of her head and pulled her close into another kiss. 

It was some time later that Fili, who had been leaning against the door to make sure no none would disturb his brother, finally could no longer hear voices behind the door he was guarding. He listened more closely, and when he still heard nothing, he cautiously knocked and cracked the door open after waiting for a few seconds. He saw Ari sitting on the bed beside Kili, and with a smile spreading on his face Fili realised that Kili’s head was resting in her lap and she was tenderly running her fingers through his hair. 

But then Ari looked up, and it was as she who smiled at him that Fili realised that she looked at him, not only in his direction. With a shake of his head he closed the door again and felt a ridiculous grin spread on his face as he hurried down the hallway as fast as he could without running.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Ari's song [Black is the colour of my true love's hair](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBIDgUQiu-8)

Deep down in the heart of the mountain, in a small cave far off the busy halls and galleries, Jorundur opened his eyes and blinked, his meditation broken by a cause he could neither see nor hear. He looked around him with a frown, but as he got up from his mat, his eyes fell onto the bowl that sat at the far wall.  
A bowl filled with sand and a stone resting on it. The stone he had touched the princess’s soul with, the stone that had lost its light when the princess had lost her sight. 

Jorundur lowered himself down in front of the bowl and crossed his legs. The circle of flames that had burned steadily around the stone to protect it was gone; the flames had died without a trace. And there in the centre of where the ring of protective flames had been, the stone still rested, gleaming, pure and white. He watched it for a long while before he finally nodded to himself; then he reached out and picked the stone up, weighing it in the palm of his hand.

A small smile spread on his face as he pocketed the stone before disposing of the sand and cleaning the bowl.

**x-x-x**

Ari heard the footsteps in the hall before Kili did and she straightened up when someone knocked at the door.

“Yes?” Kili straightened up as well and pushed himself up and back against the headrest of the bed. 

The door opened and Cylla stood in the doorway, face pale, eyes wide and her ginger curls tousled from running. She was still out of breath.   
Before she could say anything, however, Ari had slid out of the bed and launched herself at her sister; her name on Ari’s lips a sound of pure joy.

“Ari...” Cylla closed her arms around her sister. “Fili told me and I couldn’t believe it.” She leaned back, tears on her cheeks. “Is it really true?”  
Ari nodded as she smiled at her sister through her tears. 

Cylla embraced her again, but before she could say more, more voices sounded outside in the hallway. Fili was the first who entered, and upon seeing Ari, he smiled at her and embraced her as well. Thorin and Dís entered as well, and while they were a little more reserved, Dís still smiled warmly at Ari.  
Thorin, however, just looked at her and inclined his head the slightest bit before he stepped aside after casting a look over his shoulder.

It was then that Jorundur entered the room, and he closed the door behind him before he faced Ari with a smile. Ari met the Diviner’s eyes with a carefully arranged face and a straight back, folding her hands to keep her fingers steady.

“Now, my princess,” Jorundur said; his deep voice calm and friendly. “I learned of the miracle. Yet I do owe you an explanation, as it was my doing that caused you to lose your sight in the first place. Yet before you condemn me I ask you to believe me when I say that this was not my intention.”  
Ari’s eyes widened, but after a moment, she nodded. 

Jorundur inclined his head. “I can safely assume I was not the only one who saw and felt what was and what was not between you and the prince as you made your vows. And while I can understand all the ill will towards you, I looked closer.” He paused, as if waiting for Ari to say something as well.  
Ari visibly tried to keep her breathing calm as she finally asked: “And what did you see?”  
Jorundur smiled; small, but soothing. “What I saw, princess, was a woman who did her best to keep everyone at a distance. What I saw, I could compare to a wounded animal that keeps the severity of its condition hidden lest it falls victim to the predators around it. And I know that whatever was hidden in the darkness, that you wanted to keep it hidden.”

Ari stood stiffly and her face betrayed nothing. Only her pallor and her shallow breathing betrayed some feeling.

“When I came to give you my congratulations, my princess,” Jorundur continued, “I had a stone hidden in my sleeve that I had you touch. And upon this stone, I build a spell of protection, asking the Blood of Earth to help you so your soul might find healing. I assure you, I did not intend for you to be stricken with blindness. I was full of self-reproach, my princess, and I regret the suffering you went through. But the Blood of Earth works in ways that not even we, who have learned to understand its voice, can fully comprehend. I kept watching the stone that had turned dark, until today, when the spell of protection I had built had vanished and the light had returned to the stone.”

“So it was you causing Ari’s blindness?” Fili looked at the Diviner with an angry frown.  
“I said, I did not curse her.” Jorundur’s voice remained calm. “I asked the Blood of Earth for a way to help her heal. That the Blood of Earth would choose those means is not of my doing, my King.”  
Fili pressed his lips together and nodded stiffly. 

Jorundur turned his gaze on Ari again. “I do not want to open old wounds or stir bad memories, so forgive me if I have to. Some time ago I came across a dwarf locked up in a holding cell, claiming he was innocent of the crime that had brought him there.”  
Ari swallowed and her posture and face stiffened even more.  
“Needless to say I did not believe him, and I met with Thorin Oakenshield down there who kindly explained the matter to me. I saw the guilt and the sickness in the prisoner’s mind that he had indulged in, instead of fighting it or seeking help to fight it. I took a hair of his beard and used it in a divination.” He paused and lifted his eyes so they rested on Kili. “I know what has befallen her, and I know that it has been kept a strict secret, and why.” Then he looked around and met everyone’s eyes in the room. “It will remain a secret,” he said gravely.

“So I knew what the wounds were and why you were so desperate to keep then locked away and hidden.” Jorundur rested his eyes on Ari again. “And I realised that the Blood of Earth had not cursed you, after all, but enabled you to finally find the courage to trust. And to love.”

Still and pale as a statue made of porcelain, Ari stared at the Diviner who met her eyes with a gentle gaze.

“I take my leave,” The Diviner said finally. “You all know what to do now.” With that he left, closed the door behind him and as his footsteps died away in the hallway outside, Ari shuddered and slowly, sat down on Kili’s bed, both hands pressed to her chest.   
Kili shifted his position, with some effort, and closed his arms around her. 

**x-x-x**

Since he was unable to use crutches Kili needed both Thorin and Fili to support him as he left his bed for the first time two weeks later. His left leg still hurt viciously and was stiff as well, but he made it upright and hobbled a few steps away from his bed.   
Fili and Kili had exchanged one single look as they realised Kili couldn’t hold on to his brother due to his missing hand, and without even acknowledging the fact Fili had closed his left hand around the end of Kili’s forearm to hold it in place.

Two days later he was back in his chambers, white with exhaustion and pain from the long way he had hobbled there from the Halls of Healing, but he had refused to be carried. Now he sat in one of the armchairs, leg propped up on a footstool, and his brother and uncle settled down as well for a pipe in companionable silence.

Kili was by now quite apt in filling and cleaning his pipe, but he still asked his brother to light it for him so he could remain seated. Fili, glad his brother had enough common sense to swallow his pride and accept help, gladly obliged.

“You still haven’t learned to do proper smoke rings, I see,” Fili said with a chuckle.   
Kili shook his head with a wry grin. “Maybe I should go for dragons, or something.”  
“Yes, why not!” Fili laughed and leaned back. “Come on, little brother, give us a dragon.”

Kili laughed as well, and Thorin shook his head with a grin. But then Kili looked at his pipe, brought it to his lips to inhale deeply, and let the smoke escape through his nostrils with a low rumbling noise while he widened his eyes as much as he could.  
Then he lowered the pipe, snorted and his head fell back as he laughed.

“You should see the look on your faces!” Kili cackled gleefully. “I thought you wanted a dragon!”  
Fili chuckled as he lowered his pipe. “I didn’t expect that kind of joke, though.”  
Kili looked at Thorin who shook his head with a crooked smile. Then he looked back at his brother. “Yes, I know. But Ari said something to me that got me thinking. And then I realised that she was right. Being crippled is not only about the body, it’s also what’s going on in your thoughts.”

Both Fili and Thorin leaned forward.

“What exactly did she say to you?” Thorin asked.  
Kili smiled wistfully. “She said: _Crippled is he who lacks a part of his soul, not the one who lost a part of his body_. And that made me realise that all the time I had been thinking more about what I lost than what I still have.” He looked at his left arm and up again at his brother and Thorin. “Granted, it’s more than awkward at times, but I can’t say I’ve really made an effort. And it could have been worse. It could have been my right hand.”  
“I never wanted to say that.” Thorin exhaled a slow cloud. “I worried you might take it amiss.”  
“I would have.” Kili stretched out his right leg and looked thoughtfully at the left. “But it’s true, it could’ve been worse, and now I’ll make the best of it.”  
“It always took a tad bit more drastic measures to make you see sense, lad,” Thorin replied drily.

Kili looked up, saw his uncle grin, and then all three of them broke out laughing.

**x-x-x**

Another three days later Kili declared himself sufficiently tired of being fussed about at mealtimes and made his first attempt to take dinner in the hall again. His leg was healing fast now, but he was still leaning heavily on Fili for support.  
Just as they had reached the door, Kili noticed Ari hesitate.

“Ari? What is it?”  
Her shoulders stiffened and her face was tight. “I was... I have not been here either since we... since my sight returned.”  
“And why is that a problem?” Kili could see and feel her unease, but he was at a loss as to why that was the case.  
Ari stared ahead and a heavy sigh forced itself past her lips. “I think that by now the news has spread that I can see again, I can’t imagine Cylla having kept it secret, but...”  
“But?” Kili shook his head. “Ari what worries you so about it?”

Ari straightened her shoulders and narrowed her lips. “I can imagine a lot of people saying I only faked my blindness to gain affection.”  
Now it was Kili’s turn to sigh. “I see. As long as they thought you were blind they thought it well deserved, and now that you can see again they think you only faked it.”  
“I did make a lot of enemies,” Ari whispered.  
“Yes, you did,” Fili fell in. “And that’s not easily undone. But you gained a family, and they will not dare to doubt the word of their King in the matter.”

Ari took a deep breath, her shoulders trembling and her fingers curling into fists. “Thank you,” she whispered tonelessly.  
Kili reached out and pulled her close. “We will deal with it, Ari. Try to look ahead, and not behind.”  
“I will,” Ari replied and squared her shoulders.

Conversations ground to a halt when they entered, and there were a lot of cheers and hails to greet their prince and welcome him back. No one commented on the miracle that had restored Ari’s eyesight.

During the meal, Ari felt a lot of eyes on her, but Kili noticed it only after he realised that she wasn’t eating anything. He looked around and noticed a lot of people busily not looking at him and his wife. He gritted his teeth, but then his face lit up. He leaned towards Ari.

“Ari,” he said, so low that only she could hear him.  
“Yes?”  
Kili wanted to close his hand around hers, but she was sitting to his left, as his brother and King was sitting at his right side. So instead, he reached out with his left arm and placed it on her hand. “Give me your hand.”

Ari looked down with a puzzled frown, but closed her fingers around Kili’s forearm, right where the wrist should have been but only scarred skin remained. Kili lifted his arm and brought her hand to his face, and with a smile placed a kiss onto her knuckles.

Ari blushed with a smile. “Are you feeding the fires of gossip, my prince?”  
Kili gave her a toothy grin and winked. “With oil and dry kindling, my princess.” Then he leaned closer and placed a kiss onto her lips before he leaned back with a playful smirk on his face.

Fili had watched this from the corners of his eyes, and now he let his eyes casually roam across the hall. He could see a few headshakes and scandalised faces. But he also saw some smiles.   
He was just to say something about this to Cylla when three loud knocks coming from the door made the whole hall fall silent.

The door opened, and Jorundur entered, the copper beads in his countless braids glinting in the light of the candles lighting the hall. He walked in a slow and measured tread up to the table with the royal family, bowed to the king, then to the prince, and finally addressed the princess.

“My princess,” he began; his voice low but still carrying into the farthest corner. “I know we have spoken before about the miracle that restored your eyesight. And also that it was my doing that has led you to go blind in the first place even if that was not my intention. I want to assure you again that my only aim was to enable you to find the courage and strength to trust and love again after the wounds that had been inflicted on your soul.”  
Ari nodded, obviously afraid that he would say too much. But Jorundur smiled calmly and reached into a pocket. His hand was closed when he pulled it out again.

“Deeds cannot be undone, and words cannot be unsaid. You know this, as well as I do. You will need courage and strength to go on, and while I can offer you no help, nor protection, myself, I can give you this.” He paused, and then raised his voice, his words almost a chant now that made everyone’s hair stand on edge.

“Bonds Binding, Untruths Unwinding,” he said and held out his hand to Ari, a white stone resting in the palm of his hand. “Soul-stealing Sorrow, Lifted by Light.”  
Ari looked at the stone for a long moment before hesitantly reaching out. As she closed her fingers around it, Jorundur nodded.   
“White Agate,” he said. “Purification and protection; especially from bad dreams. You will need it.”  
Ari nodded slowly. “Thank you.” As she brought the stone closer to her face and a tiny smile showed on her face. “Thank you, Jorundur. For everything.”  
The Diviner bowed and with another nod towards King and Prince, he turned around and left the hall again.

It was a long while before conversations picked up again.

That night they spent some time together sitting at the hearth while Kili smoked a pipe and told her stories about his and Fili’s childhood in Ered Luin. He would have loved to hear some of hers, but her childhood in Ered Gethrin was not a safe topic so he didn’t even ask.

It was when they were about to part for their individual bedrooms that Ari hesitated when she had reached the door leading to her own chambers.

Kili slowly got up from his chair. “Ari?”  
She spun around as if he had scared her out of her thoughts.  
“I... uhm... would you like to sleep in my bed?” Kili asked and added hastily: “You don’t have to... I won’t do anything! But I... I feel a bit lonely there sometimes.”  
Ari lowered her eyes, and when she looked up again, there was a shy smile on her face. “I would like that. I just put my nightgown on.”

They shared a few kisses before extinguishing the candle and went to sleep under separate covers, but when Ari awoke in the middle of the night to a nightmare Kili pulled her close and under his blanket and firmly snuggled her with her back to his chest.

“You’re my spoon now,” he whispered.  
“Your what?” Ari chuckled under her breath, the fear of her dream still audible in her voice.  
“My little spoon. And I’m the big spoon.” He ran his hand down her side and hip. “Little Spoon.” He took her hand and ran it down his own side and hip. “Big spoon. See?”

Ari chuckled again and sighed so deeply that her chest almost burst. “I love you, Kili.”  
Kili propped himself up onto his elbow to place a kiss onto her cheek. “And I love you. From here to Ered Luin and back. And then some.”  
“You are inane.” Ari’s chuckle was closer to a giggle now.  
“No, I’m just happy. But for me it’s the same thing, really.”  
Ari sighed again, a smile audible in her voice even as she closed her eyes again. “And that’s why I love you.”  
“That’s why you love me,” Kili replied smugly, and he sounded very pleased with himself.

**x-x-x**

The celebration for Durin’s Day was a lavish affair; the old year was properly bade farewell and the new one properly welcomed with music, food, drinks and gifts. 

As the hour grew late, the numbers of people still in the hall dwindled; those who stayed had the pleasure of having a not really sober Bofur singing one of his songs that were, as he put it, a little bawdy, which meant that any person with normal moral standard would be absolutely scandalised upon hearing them.

“I think that’s enough,” Thorin said after Bofur had finished. “There are still ladies present.”  
Bofur bowed, swaying only slightly, and hopped down from the table. He managed to land on his feet and bowed with a grin before flopping into his chair again.

“Ari,” Cylla said suddenly. “Would you like to sing?”  
Ari blushed fiercely and her face went blank. “Me? Why?”  
Cylla gave her a gentle smile. “It’s been a long time since I heard your lovely singing voice.”  
Ari looked into her lap. “I’m not sure I still can,” she muttered.  
“Oh, don’t feel pressed,” Cylla hurried to say. “I was just thinking it would be nice.”

Ari nodded absentmindedly, but when she looked up again she found Kili watching her with a soft look. She met his eyes, and the white, empty one vanished for the fraction of a heartbeat as he winked at her. She smiled at that, and clearing her throat, she stood up. Cylla beamed at her like the sun at midday in summer.

“It has been a while,” Ari said nervously. “As my sister said. But I... I will try. And I... I hope you do not mind if I change the words a little... ” She cleared her throat again and looked at her sister. “Just because...” She broke off and closed her eyes and after humming a few notes, began to sing. Her voice was rich and mellow, yet clear and pure and made Kili think of molten honey in a crystal bowl.  
Kili knew the song, he had heard it before, the words of a man adoring his loved one, but he was so mesmerized by her voice that it took him a moment to realise what she had meant with changing the words.

_“Black is the colour of my true love's hair_  
His lips are like a rose so fair  
He has the sweetest face and the gentlest hands.  
I love the ground whereon he stands 

_I love my love and so well he knows_  
I love the ground whereon he goes.  
And how I wish the day would come  
When he and I can be as one” 

The hall was silent for a moment after she had ended, and with her eyes cast down and her shoulders a little hunched, she cleared her throat again and hurried back to her seat. 

“Thank you, Ari”, Fili said distinctly into the silence. “That was beautiful, and I hereby request you sing to us more often in the future.” He smiled at her. “If you so like.”  
Ari swallowed hard, but nodded, a shy smile on her face. “Thank you.”  
Kili said nothing. 

He still said nothing when they left the hall together with the rest of their family to leave the feasting to the last indefatigable celebrators who would not give up as long as there was ale left in the barrel.

Kili still said nothing when they bade everyone else good night, and he had not said a word ever since Ari’s song when they had closed the door to their chambers behind them. He still said nothing, but wordlessly pulled Ari into his arms. He held on to her for a moment before leaning back to kiss her, and when he broke the kiss and leaned back, his cheeks were moist.

“I don’t know what you did to me, but I feel as if I could burst.”  
“With what?” Ari smiled sadly up at him.  
“I don’t know.” He shook his head and shrugged, but with a small, wry smile on his lips.

Ari reached out and traced a finger down his face. “It seems strange,” she whispered.  
“What does?” Kili’s voice was a low hum.   
“That the eye which is empty and sees no more is still able to shed tears. It looks dead.” Ari ran a delicate thumb across the white eyebrow. “But it isn’t.”

Kili inhaled deeply and shrugged. “I don’t know. There’s so many things I don’t understand. But I do know one thing, Ari.” He cupped her cheek and rested his left forearm on her shoulder. “That I didn’t know what was missing in my life until you could love me.”  
As an answer, Ari placed both her hands on his cheeks and kissed him. 

Later, when they had settled down in the bed for the night, Kili pulled her close again for a kiss and settled her in his arms after that. Ari rested her head on his shoulder, and after a moment, he felt her tense.

“What is wrong?” He asked softly.  
“Nothing.” Ari exhaled a soft chuckle under her breath. “Nothing is wrong. I just...”  
Kili forced himself to be patient.  
“Kili...” She whispered after a moment.  
“Yes.”  
“Can you... I want to...” She took a deep breath. “I want you to show me what love is. What being loved means.”

Now it was Kili’s turn to tense. He blinked a few times and then turned onto his side to look at her. “Ari... do you really want to... want me to...”  
“To make love to me.” Ari buried one hand in his hair. “Let me forget for a moment what was. Show me what love truly is.”

Kili drew a shaky breath, but Ari’s fingers were still threaded into his hair and now tugged at it to pull him close. 

He began with undressing himself, to let her look at him, get accustomed to his body, even if she had seen him naked before. But he didn’t want to think of before. He didn’t want to think of anything but her right now. And when he began to undress her, he caressed every inch of her skin he laid bare with his lips and his fingers, taking his time to discover her body. Every time he felt her tense he paused, kissed her, and all the time, he talked to her in a low and gentle voice, telling her how beautiful she was, how much he loved her, that she could trust him, that he would take care of her and protect her, that he would never harm her and only lived to serve her.

His own body was burning with need and desire but he forced it back, breathing kisses onto her skin instead, and when he finally dared to touch her most intimate spot she did neither flinch nor tense, but instead opened her eyes again, her breast heaving under heavy breaths, her eyes wide with something entirely different than fear, ready for him in both body and soul. 

He entered her cautiously, slowly, reminding himself that all this was new for her, that she did not know anything about what he was doing, that she was all but a virgin, and he treated her as one. But even as he was fully inside her he sat up again and rested on his heels, pulling her up with him so she was sitting in his lap, supported by his strong arms, because he did not want to lie on top of her and pin her down, not the first time.

She slung her arms around him as well, and rocked with him in the rhythm he set, gentle and slow at first, but gradually giving in to both their desire and their hunger. He could see Ari lost herself in what they were doing, and when she began to gasp erratically he closed his arms around her back once more so he could hold her as she arched and tightened around him with his name on her lips. A few more gentle thrusts and he joined her, both claiming her and giving himself to her completely. 

Holding her through the warm afterglow of their lovemaking he kissed her tears away and later, when she had calmed down again and her grief and pain about what had been taken from her and denied for so long had abated he made love to her again. 

Wounds would heal, but scars would not fade. And while both of them would still have to battle their demons, neither of them would have to do it alone anymore.


	21. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongle recommend listening to [Let your arrow fly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7DHOc8Vy3s) while reading this chapter.

Midsummer fires had burned around Dale.  
Summer was at its strongest, grain was beginning to ripen and fruits were swelling with juicy sweetness. A rich and bountiful harvest would soon be coming and neither Dale nor Erebor would face a winter of want and hunger.

The royal family had partaken in the Midsummer celebrations on Dale and afterwards, Fili had lit the fire in the mountain for the blessing of growth and riches so that the kingdom would continue to grow and prosper.

The day after Midsummer was hushed and quiet, as usual in the mountain after a great feast; and while the royal family, much like most people, stayed long in bed and didn’t do much during that day, they still gathered in the royal chambers that evening, just as they almost always did, enjoying a few moments of just being family. It was almost a tradition by now.

Ari and Cylla were already there, sitting on the large sofa, heads together and smiling and chuckling, the sound bordering on, but not quite being, a giggle. Fili and Kili, who arrived next after a walk on the ramparts, exchanged a puzzled look but just smiled at the good mood of their wives.

Dís arrived sometime later, and Thorin somewhat after that. They settled down, the men with their pipes while Dís was watching her daughters-in-law who were holding a conversation in voices too low for anyone else to hear but them. 

Finally, Kili couldn’t rein in his curiosity anymore. “Would you mind sharing what is so amusing?” He smiled as well; his wife wasn’t the giggling sort, normally.

Ari and Cylla exchanged a look and, holding hands, they got up. “We have an announcement to make,” Cylla said gravely.

A slow smile spread on Dís face as she got up, her eyes crinkling at the corners. The three men obviously did not have the hunch she had and just looked puzzled.

Fili put down his pipe on the mantelpiece and crossed his arms with a smile. “You look as if you were to announce your engagement.”  
Ari and Cylla exchanged a look and chuckled.  
“Far from it,” Cylla said. “But we understand now the last phrase of the Divination that brought us together.”  
“The last phrase?” Fili frowned in confusion and looked at his brother.  
“Something about life,” Kili said with a shrug.  
“Life,” Cylla said.  
“Or no life at all,” Ari added.  
“And what meaning have you deciphered, then?” Thorin crossed his arms, a mildly amused expression on his face.

Cylla looked at Ari again and let go of her sister’s hand. “Well, to begin with, I can inform you that in about a year’s time, the King’s first heir will be born.”

Stony silence followed these words until their meaning had sunk in, and Thorin, Kili and Fili began to grin as Dís was already laughingly embracing her daughter-in-law in a fierce hug.  
Fili was the next to recover, and he hurried to Cylla’s side, pulled her close and spun her around once while laughing. 

Kili was grinning as if his head was about to split in half. “I’m going to be an uncle!” He said, and in a louder voice, repeated this. “I’m going to be an uncle!”  
Fili let go of Cylla and laughingly slapped his brother’s shoulders before embracing him, too. “You’re going to be an uncle, little brother!”  
“The best uncle ever!” Kili cast a look at Thorin. “Present company excluded, of course.”  
Thorin laughed as well. “We’ll see about that,” he said. 

Cylla stepped close to her sister. “It seems this is more about becoming an uncle than a father.”  
Ari shrugged. “It seems like.” She chuckled as well and smoothed down the front of her dress. “Fili?”  
Fili interrupted slapping his brother’s back and turned around. “Yes?”  
Ari smiled; a glint in her silver eyes. “Since this seems to be more about uncles than fathers I’m happy to let you know that you will be an uncle, too, come time.”

Fili and Kili both froze, looked at each other, and simultaneously broke out laughing. Guffawing they embraced, and each of them then hurried to embrace their respective wives as well.

“There’s one thing I’d like to know,” Thorin said after the ruckus had calmed down. “You said something about the last line of the divination. About life.”  
“Isn’t that obvious, brother?” Dís smiled at him. “It means that either both of them would be pregnant or none of them.”  
Thorin’s eyebrows shot up, but then he shook his head with a small smile. 

**x-x-x**

Fili’s and Cylla’s son was born a week before Midsummer the next year.  
Two days later, Ari went into labour as well. 

She did not have as easy a time like her sister who had but been in labour for five hours, and it took their daughter almost an entire day until she finally was ready to see the world. 

When Kili was finally allowed to enter the room that held his wife and newborn daughter, Ari was lying in bed, pale and exhausted, but with a radiant smile on her face. Kili sat down on the bed beside her and she handed him a bundle wrapped into a soft blanket.

A small, somewhat wrinkled face with a shock of black hair was the only thing visible apart from a tiny hand.  
“Hello, my princess,” Kili whispered, awe in his voice.  
The infant opened her eyes and looked at him, looked at him so intensely and aware like newborns do only during the first hours after birth. Kili met those eyes and touched his daughter’s hand and she kept looking at him as her delicate little hand closed around his finger. Kili was mesmerized, his whole mind and being focussed on the tiny person in his arms that was of his blood, and when the infant finally closed her eyes and yawned, her grip on his finger relenting, he only very reluctantly handed her back to her mother.

He left them to rest, and spent the rest of the day on the ramparts, looking out over the lake and watching the sun set in a fiery glow that was mirrored in the lake until it looked like molten gold. A few clouds danced across the sky, chased by a wind that was hardly more than a breeze where Kili stood. It teasingly tugged at his hair and softly caressed his face.

Kili smiled. Behind the windswept clouds the first star of evening appeared, the Lady of the Skies, and he knew what his daughter’s name would be.  
 _Manlûna._


End file.
